Ugh, it's been a long month

So I got sick for a while and couldn't update. I had some trouble with a kidney stone and a kidney infection. Fortunately, I was sent to the ER from my doctor and they kept me for a few days to make sure everything was going to go back to normal. They scheduled me to have a surgery type of thing done to bust up the stone and so now I'm back home and doing okay; just in a little bit of pain and such. Meh. I go back in January to make sure everything went as expected and such. After all of this, I just have to work on getting myself out of debt. Anyway, Christmas went better than expected besides for dad and I both being sick. Nephew seemed to have fun and everything, which was my greatest worry. I got a book from my brother-in-law and sister that I absolutely love. It's amazing. "Geeky Girl, A Lazy Susan Guide" It's awesome. Just one of my wishes didn't come true but I still have hope for my birthday, maybe. Just maybe. Or there is always next Christmas. So that's an update... Yepp... I'm groggy from meds. Decided it was time to blog since I haven't in a while. So there you have it.

I know this seems crazy but I have been thinking lately; what if for every decision we make, another world is created--even if we cannot see or hear that world or know the outcome of the other decision we left standing? For example, if I had chose to wear my blue, white, and yellow sweater today instead of my red one, what if in some other world, I chose my red. Would my morning have been better than it is in the blue, white, and yellow sweater world? What if another world was created when I chose hot chocolate over coffee? What would happen in that world? Is there another me with a better life? It told you it seemed crazy. I just can't seem to shake that thought. If there is another world, did I lose the family I've lost in this one or have I lost different people in it? Would I still have the same fears, the same goals, the same thoughts and feelings? And sometimes when I feel like I shift from this world to another, just kind of space out, is that were I go? Into the unseen worlds?

I have to admit, this new wonder came from the Dean Koontz novel, From The Corner Of His Eye but it still makes me ponder if in fact there is something to this. If there is, how would we know? How would we not know?

"Well, you see, that's the funny thing about all the important choices we make. If we make a really big wrong choice, if we do the really awful wrong thing, we're given another chance to continue on the right path. So the very moment I stupidly stepped off the curb without looking, I created another world where I did look both ways and saw the rhinoceros coming..." -- Tom Vanadium, From The Corner of His Eye, novel by Dean Koontz, (trying to explain, in a lie, why his face is scarred up to a child)

I know it's strange, and I know it's a novel, but what if to some degree this would be true? If this were true, is there ever really a reason to be sad for anything, since if someone where else in a world that we haven't discovered, the sad part that happens here doesn't happen there? Maybe somewhere, my true love has already came, I'm with him and happy, in college to become an English teacher, or something like that. So can I have hope for my future if I think that in some way, somewhere else, I am right where I had wanted to be... but then again, what if I didn't want to be there in that world, would I be miserable there too even if I took the path I wanted to in this one?

Just something to think about. 

Knitting Project 2: Cat shirt

Normally I don't make my pets wear clothes but Tater had been digging at himself and pulling out his fur. So instead of punishing him for it, I decided to make him a tiny shirt/vest to cover his fur to keep him from trying to harm himself any further. Needless to say, it worked. Of course, he doesn't like it too much but he'll get used to it, I hope.

So here's my Taterbug and the freshly knitted shirt.

Colors: Teal, White, and Multicolored

Ugh...

I have been yelling at my friends lately, without thinking, about their dating lives. They seem to only chase things that will end up hurting them. Then I turn around and realize, I am doing the same thing as well. 

Something just keeps me hanging on to someone no matter how much I want to just give up and go on with my life. I've tried to move on, I've tried to get a new guy around, but I just can't. I guess a part of me would rather be in pain that actually find some way to be happy. But if I can't be happy alone, I can't possibly be happy with someone could I? Thus why I plan on staying single for the majority of my life. It just seems easier. Well easier in the long run. Right now, it pretty much sucks.

I'm not sure what hurts the most; being friends or just going on like he doesn't exist. I've tried both but I can't do either one. Every time we talk, it seems like my friends have to spend all night trying to pull me back together and the only time I'm actually happy is... well... never. I've been told don't give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about but honestly giving up may be the best option. I'm just not sure how to go about that. 

I keep moving forward two steps and then falling behind about twenty. I just don't know what to do and I have no one to really talk to about it since all my friends are tired of me hurting all the time... 

So really. What do I do? I'm out of ideas, tired of trying things that just won't work... and most of all, I'm tired of crying. 

"What do you do when your angels have all flown away? There's an ache through my body that won't go away." -- A Certain Cemetery, Pretty Girls Make Graves

New Poem: An Old Country Song

 An Old Country Song 

by Rachael Frye

Some days it's like nothing has changed at all
You seem to be around each time I trip and fall
You pick me up, take my mind away from the mess
Make me smile, make me laugh, relieve my stress
And when I've had a bad day, I run to you
Making me feel better is what you do.
My heart may be hurting with us being just friends
I guess that's what happens when being in love ends.

Cold nights, when alone, laying in my bed
Wishing your chest is where I lay my head
The wishing and praying is never enough
But I've got to stay strong and be tough.
The pain only hurts when I think about the past
We are solid proof that love will never last
As bad as it hurts me, I must move on
Forget about the love we had; it's gone.

My mind may be steady in thinking about you
And my heart may be telling me the love is true
But the reality of it all will hit before long
And it will be as sad as an old country song;
One of those by Conway Twitty or maybe George Jones
Maybe the one by Pasty Cline, "I'm Moving Along"
Maybe "Hard Candy Christmas" by Dolly Parton
Either way, it will never be forgotten.

The sad lonely tune will continue to play
During the night, during the morning, or day
Nothing I can do will made this hurt fade
This is the price that must be paid.
You fell out of love, now I'm lost without you
You left out west, what was I left to do?
I keep telling myself that I can't keep living like this
Life shouldn't be an old country song; it should be bliss.

New Poem: A Poem For the Lonely

A Poem For the Lonely

by Rachael Frye

I don't know why I even try

Every time we talk, I start to cry

Things will never be the same

While my heart screams your name

I'm not sure how to run away

All I know is I've got to get away

I keep trying but the hole burns through

My heart seems to still long for you

I reach my hands out, trying to make you stay

The more I wait for you, the farther you go away

Watching your every footstep

Not knowing why you left

The ringing in my ears is the sound of my heart breaking

Wanting you to turn around so much that it's aching

The stinging pain, the tears running down my face

Losing everything, my soul falling from saving grace

I sing out the song as my mind plays

Knowing I'll get better one of these days

But right now, this lonely is taking me over

Telling me I'll never find another.

Please, just come back for one more day?

Tell me why you refuse to stay?

You told me you loved me, was that a lie?

Are you just leaving me here to slowly die?

This is the feeling of my heart dying

Forget the love, forget the trying

It's done with the hurt, it's done with the pain

It's time to let my love wash away with the rain.

And there it was...

This is just to get something off my mind that's been bothering me lately. I can't exactly call this a better way to do it, but I figured writing it into a blog form would be much more simple than trying to explain to someone. Some would not exactly understand my feelings or hidden tears. Somethings are meant to be, I know. But I don't always agree that the things that are meant to be will end up together; not without a little push and test of fate.

-R

She was gazing into the mirror at the broken heart and soul staring back at her as her friends chattered happily around her. She did not know what to expect or even how to react to this creature that was finding his place slowly into her heart. Being hurt was not easy, having things to fail dramatically all the time, never really experiencing the feeling of love, and most of all, she was still aching from what she thought love had been. Her feelings and heart were guarded, locked in a steel cage. The pain often came back and made a daily routine in her life. Little did she know her life was about to change the moment she walked downstairs and saw him stepping out of his car for the first time.

His graceful movements she found not only to be intriguing but very beautiful, the chemistry seemed to be in balance and flowed from her to him. At that moment, she saw only him. It was almost as if everything she had been through in her entire life did not matter anymore. This wonderful amazing creature standing before her was meant to be her protector, her life, her everything. He was her only want and only need. She longed to feel his touch on her skin and his arms around her holding her until she could no longer breathe. There was no way to describe what she was feeling, no words at all could escape her lips and let that be known. When her hand touched him, she felt the entirety of love, of importance, of being. Not only this, but she felt for the first time in a very long time... she felt happy. It was like her soul was smiling. Then feeling his arms around her, she felt her whole life falling into play, nothing made sense about this but at the same time nothing needed to. She was in awe of the feeling that had overcome her, the feeling of want and desire; but most of all, the feeling of love and power. She knew this would be the only guy that she could give herself to fully and trust with everything. For the first time, her heart and her mind agreed that he was right for her. And there it was... love. Most people take years to create such a love that washes over them and changes their person. But with talking months before meeting, a second to see his beauty, and his arms holding her for only a few hours she fell in love with this creature. She simply worshiped him, loved him unconditionally, cherished his flaws, saw something more than everyone else, and unquestioningly she adored him in every way possible. She knew this could be a once in a life time thing. She never wanted to let it go.

In fact, no one asked if she wanted to let go. But she had to. Forces beyond her control pulled him away, moved him away to the point she wondered if she would ever see him again. A million male human species could never compare with something that great and the feeling would never be replaced. In fact, being away makes the feelings grow stronger. Months of not talking, she finally contacted him and slowly, the feelings returned and ripped at her heart, tearing it piece by piece. It isn't that it hurt her, just the love was intense and strong and she still felt it. She hoped he felt it too, even though nothing could be done about it. The situation was wrong, timing was wrong, and most of all the whole thing was some how wrong. She wished, hoped, and sometimes even prayed that he would come back to her. Lonely nights after lonely nights, she swore she felt him holding her--she knew it was her imagination but she didn't mind. Insanity seems to fall after letting go of someone you truly love and care about. 

To this day, her heart grows bitter and cold. Dust is collecting on her heart. Nothing could ever stop her from loving him. Not his new girl, not the distance, nothing. It is a love she will take it to the grave, and the truth be known she may actually end up dying because of her feelings for him that continues to eat her alive. 

How has she survived without him? Barely. With a lot of lust and fake love in between. Being in someone's comfort only helps for a couple minutes but it's damn well worth the time if only her heart would stop longing for him but most nights, she just lies awake wondering. Insomnia has taken over her life. When she does sleep, she does not dream, that she can remember. All she knows when she goes to sleep at night is that she wants him by her side, no matter at the cost and all she knows when she wakes up is that she wants him still laying by her side so she an kiss him softly and thank the Heavens above that he is with her. She knows this will never be, so she continues driving herself insane with the burning passion. She even whispers into the darkness of night, "I love you" hoping that wherever he is, he will hear it or at least feel it. he sad part is? He still has no idea because she has not told him. She only pretends friendship is enough and that she is happy for him.

Ranting/Venting...

I have too much on my mind that will not even begin to fit in the Facebook box. Sadly, it is a true fact. Hm. Where do I even start? Really? 

[Insert deep sigh...]

Okay, so, I am finally starting to get over some people in my life. Really this time, not just a fake "I'm over it" I mean, I am really going to be okay and I know this now. Because frankly, if they wanted to be in my life they should have made more effort to be there. Since they are not losing sleep over it, why should I? So I know it will hurt for a while, like it has, but it will no longer kill me. I refuse to keep living like I have been and neglecting not only myself but those who actually do want to have some kind of part in my current life. (Why they would, I have no idea.) So that is that. I do not like it one bit but that is how it has to be, I suppose. I cannot continue hurting myself when I know the result will always be the same. There will be no more questioning, "What should I have done?" because I have done everything I could have done and still yet they chose the actions that they did. I just hope they all end up happy in the end. I am letting go. It will be harder to let go of some more than others. "I pray you're flying high when your engine stalls. I pray all your dreams will never come true. Just know wherever you are, honey, I'll pray for you." -- Jaron and the Long Road to Love (Funny song, actually but I am kidding when I sing that about them. I really do wish them luck and hope everything works with flying colors. I will have my day in the spot light just like they are having now.

Next thing is... What is up with everyone getting married at 18-20? I mean really? Do they know that the statistics for a marriage lasting, when getting married that young, is low because over half will end up divorced with children? Or they will end up unhappy and miserable, even feeling trapped all the time by the age of 30? Sigh. People actually need to learn for themselves but you know there is a quote that fits well for this, "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself." (Eleanor Roosevelt, US Diplomat and Reformer, 1884-1962). I have been there when you are happy and in love and nothing else seems to be better than what you have at that moment, but I too realized soon after that maybe this whole "happy" thing is not all it is cracked up to be after several fights and months of hating each other. Of course, it is easy to be happy with someone for only a couple years. But honestly, you are young and have not even had the life experience. Do you honestly think most of the ones getting married now will still want to be with ONLY their wives/husbands twenty years from now? Probably not. They may want their better-half and one or two on the side just to make them feel better about their love life. This is not just some thing from where I am better about life and dating this is actual true stuff here. If you do not believe me, ask someone who has been divorced.

Along with the whole marriage thing, I am starting to wonder if teenagers forgot how to use condoms? And they always name their kids something godawful soon after they get pregnant. It is not a dog. This is a human being and deserves a name of respect. Not just some random letters you have thrown together! It is not a name! It is more like a sign that says, "My mom was young and had no idea what she was doing." Your child has to live with that name! Just because you like some weird ass thing with a bunch of unnecessary letters does not mean your child will. Think about things before you slap a name on a child like it is your new St. Bernard or Husky--which is sad because I know more dogs with human names than babies being born lately.

Speaking of babies and mommies, family next comes to mind. Family. What the fuck is a family? Really? Okay. So I have a bunch of cousins, aunts, and uncles that I would not know if they came up and asked me for a piece of gum. And most of the ones I do know, I would not risk giving it to them because they would try to sell it for something else. All family is... is drama. Drama and chaos. Personally, I do not even claim half of my family. If I talk to them, it is only because I have to. And then they go and tell everyone everything I said without even asking me about it. So by the time word gets around, me saying "I like your shirt" turns into me stealing the shirt off someone and beating the crap out of them to get it. So not only have I managed to make enemies in my family, I also find out I have a stalker in my family whom runs to dad and tells him everything. And me being a young adult, some things dad just does not need to know. I am not a bad kid or anything, I just make mistakes like most human beings and I learn from them. I would rather dad not punish me for lessons learned. Sigh. I guess we all have family drama, right?

So I am coming to an end to my ranting/venting blog...
Still not entirely all that is on my mind, there are several other thousand things that I could have written paragraphs on and I could have made these paragraphs longer. Facebook should have never asked me what was on my mind.

Knitting Project = Complete! And cute!

I have been productive lately. These are pictures of my latest project that finally got completed after weeks of trying, redoing, and cursing. Sadly, I am kind of proud of this because I did the entire pattern on my own. 

I am thankful for my little model too. He was a huge help while taking these pictures.

Excuse the mess on my desk.

New Poem: Karma

I have been living in the shadows

Taking the wrong path

Foreseeing what could happen

But odds were just math.

I have nothing left after

People have walked away

Never did I shed a tear

Nor did I ask them to stay.

I let those people flee

They wanted to find themselves

I always turned my back

Put the pieces of my heart on shelves.

The place is getting empty

The lights are burning slowly out

My soul and heart feel broken,

I am now full of more self-doubt.

For the first time in my life

I start to walk away

I turn around; waiting. But

No one will ask me to stay.

Karma has made it's mark,

I realize I should have told it all

But it is now too late.
Finally my tear drops will fall.

Facing Past, Fighting Demons

I was laying in bed after a dream this morning, contemplating. Something has been eating at me since I was younger and it has yet to be revealed by anyone. The one person who knows, I texted and couldn't get a response. The dream has been chewing at me all morning. While reading, "The Dark Rivers of the Heart" (a Dean Koontz novel) I started to realize something during the whole reading session this morning and it was inspired by one quote from that book:

"The aura of evil that clung to these walls was the residue of a horror from the past, and there was nothing here and now to fear."

As soon as I read this quote, it is almost like my brain halted. I could not move to go on to the next paragraph. Although the whole scenario was different, I could relate with the characters basically because humans have demons in their past, horror and terror of events that occurred.

I realize, we all have things to hide. We all are running from something. We all have that plague that chews us at our very core. We all have that one thing that we just can't get away from, yet we still run from it. Some of us may have more than others. But we all have it there. Some demons are easier to face than others; some demons are destroyable and some kill us slowly, sucking out everything we have left. And yet, all we can do is pretend like we're starting over and try to create a new life without that said demon in it... even if it haunts us daily. We all have the vague understanding that if we run, the problem will go away--when in reality, it only seems to make it worse until the point of insomnia, depression, anxiety, and paranoia. Then those only give us more things to run from.

The point is, we all run but we never really go back and face what really happened. We never get that closure needed to get on with our lives so everything that even relates to the event eats us and always seems to come up when things are already going to Hell anyway. Although we may find that safe hiding place within the darkened shadows, our memory and souls still have the scars and even open wounds from what has happened. Even if it has been years prior to the current lifestyle. Changing something about you, even your name, will not keep what happened away. It will not make it fade and it sure won't make things better. We only do what we can to survive instead of fighting to make the life we want to happen without the past gnawing at us.

Running only makes you run more. It seems like an easy way out but the truth of the matter being, you will always be running. You will never be able to run and get free from the chains that tie you to the past. You have to face something head on and fight it until its death to get it to leave you alone and keep it from haunting you. And the truth of the matter is, you don't have to do that alone. You can have a loved one, friend, or stranger to help you. But you have to want that to go away. I am starting to realize, maybe humans are obsessed with the pain of the past. Without out, we may be afraid we will have nothing left after.

Think about it.
It's just a random thought.

"It's a chain, iron chain, it runs through me, through my brain, my heart, through my guts, a chain, no way to get loose, no escape." -- Dark Rivers of the Heart, Dean Koontz

Random Writing: Never Said Good-bye

She ponders the meaning of life and the meaning of death, knowing both have some sort of purpose. She wanders around, feeling a little lost and slightly confused about the standing situations of her life. A smile--a smile hides everything, all of her hopes, fears, dreams, and tears. She wipes her own tear away from her cheek, catching it before it trickles down and hits the hard floor. Stepping out into the world, closing the door behind her, she feels a bit of pain sting the very core of her soul and start to destroy her heart. She walks in pain, holding the tears back. Regret hovers over her, like a dark cloud, but each step makes her feel a little more free. Her voice carries in the wind as she whispers, "I want to be free..." She feels as if she shackles that she has been wearing for years have finally fallen away, the handcuffs removed, and the chains tying her back just seem to disappear. 

Stepping closer to her destination, she had a second thought. In fact, she almost turned around but she realized what was for the better. She knew the choices and the decision was clear. She no longer wanted to live in pain. She just wanted to be free. Cutting free of everything, she took her final step to the edge. In her pocket, her hand trembled against the cold metal of the gun. One last sigh escaped her lungs and came out of her mouth, she whispered with tears starting to form in her eyes and a smile spreads across her face, "I just want to be free..." Raising the gun, she flinched slightly as she removed the safety. The gun to her head felt cold. The trigger was pulled, the bullet met with the skull, tearing flesh and bone and escaping the other side. Her lifeless body fell off the rocky cliff into the waters below. 

She never even said good-bye.

"Foward or you will die": Death threat or joke?

Someone sent me this via Facebook comment and I was thinking about it for a while, reading it and such. Of course, I got a slight giggle but then I read it to mom and said "If I die on Monday at 12am, you'll know (name of person who sent it to me) hexed me to death." Mom kind of looked at me like I was a strange child. But here's the text of the comment:



This is not a joke! Carry on reading! Or you will die, even if you only looked at the word warning!


Once there was a girl called Clarissa, she was ten-years-old and she lived in a mental hospital, because she killed her mom a...n.................d her dad. she got so bad she went to kill the staff in the hospital so the government decided that... See More ... See More the best idea was to get rid of her so they set up a special room to kill her, as humane as possible but it went wrong the machine they were using went wrong. And she sat in agony for hours untill she finally died. Now every week on the day of her death she returns to the person who reads this letter, on a monday night at 12:00a.m. She creeps into your room and kills you slowly, by cutting you and watching you bleed to death.


Now send this to ten other pics on this one site, and she will haunt someone else who dosen's pass this on like you did. And forget about you. Example 1:
Jenny didn't believe this and deleted it without even reading the whole thing! A few days later on the monday night, she was woken up by loud footsteps and heavy breathing, there was Clarissa standing there with a huge knife and well Jenny is history now 




So I'm wondering if that could be considered a death threat? I mean, really. It says specifically "This is not a joke!" so how am I supposed to take that? I know it's harmless and such, but really. Who ever came up with these has really no sense of law enforcement. They take shit like this seriously, believe it or not. It is almost as if saying "You're going to die unless I see you comment this to every one you know." --Actually, my thoughts are that some people are so comment-love-driven that they would do anything just to get comments on their page, even this kind of thing. With that being said, is this a death threat or a joke?

Like if someone sends it to you knowing you won't resend it out and if you die would it not be their fault therefore would it not be them technically killing you? Couldn't the cops some how read that as a crime? Even if it wasn't their fault that you died? I'm just asking. But this came to me after I started laughing and asking mom, "Hm, I wonder if I died could you really sue someone or something for letting people post this on my Facebook?" It makes me giggle, honestly. But I'm actually sure some people do believe stuff like this really will happen.

Just a random thought of the day and wanted to share. Sorry guys. I know some of you like how my brain works but some don't.

Oh the days are getting long.

So I'm basically just updating my blog to make sure my TwitterFeed is working. But I also need to update, I suppose since I haven't in a while.

This week, lately, has been seriously crazy. Like beyond it. Sunday, I actually went to church for the first time in a long time. And yanno I had my spiritual renewal that I needed. I go out and help fix the food and everything and set up for their Annual Dinner (or Homecoming as they call it). I talked to some people I've not seen in a while, including three of my friends. All was well, I came home and felt a little bit better. Strangely enough, I've actually been kind of happy all week since then. Maybe that's a sign that I should start going to church again even though my religious views aren't exactly matching theirs or maybe it's a sign that I've fell off my rocker and need some booze. 

Yesterday, I woke up and had an email in my inbox saying that some poet guy wanted me to write a preface for his novel. I actually sent it to my friend Heather to get her opinion on it and we both agreed that it's most likely a scam or something so I deleted it. It kind of made me a little downhearted because that could be something I need to get my writing started. Know what I mean? Writing has been my dream since I was like fourteen. I want to write. I want to have my name in the books and it's not even about the money. It's just the feeling of joy knowing someone somewhere is reading that and seeing my name on the cover. If I knew the guy was legit, I would have totally done it. 

Speaking of writing, I'm actually starting on a new story! I don't know where it's going yet though. Could be a decent one. So far my main character has changed genders twice, changed names three times, and she still (really) has no idea who she is. Haha. No, I mean, I keep changing her but she really does have amnesia or something. I'll post it up when I get the first part of it done.

Ehm. Yeah, I'm starting to miss the most recent ex-boyfriend figure. I feel, in a way, like he and I should be together and frankly I've not given up on it and I say I won't for a very long time. I mean, I bring it up that I want him back but it doesn't seem to help matters any at all. It seems to upset him more than anything so I just kind of stopped bringing it up. My heart aches because it feels like he wants the same thing but I get confused. One minute, it's almost as if I'm the only girl in the world for him and the next minute I'm not. I've tried giving him space, I've tried to stay away, I've tried to stop caring, I've tried to do everything he said he wanted me to do but every time he pulls me back. I just... I don't know. I don't know what to do really. I'm fighting anger about the situation. I feel like screaming at him sometimes but all I can do is open my arms and my heart with a smile on my face then hold him and tell him everything's okay. I'm starting to think I'm trying to convince myself more of that than him. We've had some perfect moments lately and it's just in those moments, I get really upset because I know we could be more. I try not to pressure him and I'm trying to keep my distance as much as possible but it's slowly killing me. Sigh. I guess things like this happen, right? I don't know. Maybe I just need to slowly let him go as much as I hate to. I start to wonder if he would be better off if I did. I mean, I enjoy taking care of him and I care a lot for the guy but I just have no idea what he wants. I hate trying to talk to him about it because I have this whole fear of pissing him off thing. I really don't want to let him go and I'm kind of fighting here with what I've got left. It's just kind of one of those battles that I may not win... why I keep fighting, I have no idea. Maybe love is just a war within itself.

So after all is said and done, I did get a new friend today that found for me. I let him go though. He was so adorable. Until he tried to bite me. Being Elle Mae, I wanted to keep him but dad said no. Do you blame me? Look at this little guy...

A turtle my dad found. I set him free on the creek bank. :)

I hope he'll be okay. I don't want a snake to eat him or anything. Do snakes eat turtles? I have no idea. But that would seriously suck! He's a cute little guy. I personally wouldn't touch him... but I had to get him out of the driveway before someone smushed him. Yes, I know, I have a big heart for such a small person.

So it's actually time for me to get up and clean. I've been avoiding it all morning. I'll update again sometime soon. 

Ugh. FML.

So we all know that I'm twenty years old. Twenty, 20, the number after nineteen. Actually, I'm almost twenty-one, 21. I will be in January. Sadly, I am still being treated like I am 10 by my parents. The only reason they can do this is, well, because they can and they can get by with it. Why? Because I simply have no where else to go and it's not like a friend is going to help me by giving me a place to stay for a few months and it's not like my sister will either. I feel like I'm stuck with no way out, no where to go, the walls are closing in, and frankly I'm getting a little more than claustrophobic.  So the story, this time, goes like this:
I was volunteering at a festival all day Saturday, from like noon to 7:30pm. I actually left before it was even over to keep from being around drunks and such. So I had a great day, met amazing people, had a few laughs, and for the first time in a while I actually was happy and I was doing something just for the sake of doing it... not because I was told to do so or anything. So I get home, dad says a drunk guy called me, totally not my fault. So he takes the whole thing out on me, no one else will take up for me and they just kind of let me go about my way and fight with dad solo. Thanks for the help, family! I really appreciate it. So anyway, now I am grounded because of a stupid prank someone pulled or something. I'm not even sure who the Hell called honestly. No one will confess up to it. So I'm grounded, at 20, can't leave my house at all, and it's not even my fault.
If it was my fault, I'd take total blame for it. But it's not. And this sucks because there is a youth church thing coming up that my friend is doing, and I just found out he's becoming a preacher. But there is no way dad will even begin to understand and let me go, even though the friend is just a friend and a preacher. Sigh. Yeah, I totally need to move out, right?

I have been sick since Saturday, the only person who's actually attempted to take care of me is the ex-boyfriend. Which is sad because I thought he hated me by now. I swear, I love that kid in the friend sense. I'd be lost without him sometimes. He's a best friend that I hope I never lose. We didn't work out as a couple but we do make a good team as friends only. He's quite amazing and I trust him with my life, besides for an incident when he told me to eat chalk for my upset stomach. (No, I didn't really do it... just for the record.) But at least he's trying to take care of me. While everyone else has a "Get the Hell away from me" attitude, he's been nothing but nice to me. I'm starting to wonder if the world shifted atmospheres or something. Maybe he's just being a good friend. I don't know, I'm not complaining, just giving him praise for what he's done for me lately.

I'm scatterbrained. It's too early. I want more sleep. But I must clean. My job is never done. I just wish I got a little something in return or at least pay. :( 

Nightmare Woke Me =/

Nightmare:
So I walked into a hospital room to visit someone, I'm not sure of who it was or even what he looked like. All I remember is that it was a male. I'm guessing a young male. He had the diary of his mother laying on the floor beside the hospital bed. I phoned someone, not sure of who, and asked if there were a reason for it being there. Somehow, the dream took a turn for the worse and I found myself ghost hunting the soul of my beloved friend's mother through her diary. Some how this lead into my own home. I answered the door and there was a childish figure standing before me and the figure seemed to have a glass eye; the only difference is, the eye actually twinkled at me. Like in the movies/cartoons, you can see a slight twinkle when someone is up to mischief or falling in love. It was an odd eye. It was an odd creature. It was somewhat like a doll, the face and everything looked like a hard rubber. The shadows came to life soon after and started to haunt me. After a moment, I woke up.



I have no idea why I even had that dream but I will tell you this, I cannot go back to sleep now. =/ Then I thought of making this into a story. Haha. It just seems weird and needs some parts put together. I blame Dean Koontz. But I seriously think I could use this and create a story. It wouldn't be the first time a dream inspired me to write. Maybe that's where most of my inspiration comes from--the dream world?

Holding On (poem)

It seems like all of your dreams are coming true

I guess you had a point when you left me for you

I hold on to the belief that you will be back around

I have yet to let one tear drop fall to the ground.

Waking up, slowly realizing that you are gone away

You will never come back. Especially not today.

The anger rages through me, but I cannot scream

I keep hoping this is not as real as it may seem.

I still believe we could work things out, give us a try,

I can't help but to fall to my knees, asking myself why;

Why you left, why I am waiting for you to come home,

Why I put myself through Hell knowing you are gone.

I got a message from you, saying you are alright

But I still believe you should be holding me tonight.

I feel confused, sad, lost, a little dead on the inside

I have done everything, I even swallowed my pride.

I know things sometimes work out for the best

And sometimes moments put love to a test

I don't know how much longer I can fight 

But something about suffering seems right.

It gets harder to breathe without you by my side

I have finally broke down and I have finally cried.

This is the part that really hurts the most--the letting go,

I should walk away but I still love you, just so you know.


"Holding On"

Ugh. Update. Mhm.

So the surgery went fine, all of that worrying for nothing pretty much but we're still not sure how it will go in the future. They didn't remove it, they're basically just going to let it deteriorate and whatever happens from there when organs do that? So I have been busy taking care of things around there. When I am not cleaning, helping dad, or taking care of his animals, I am usually napping. So my point is, I haven't had time to update really.

So, a lot has happened within the last few days, sadly enough. I have realized the things I have been wanting to fix is not fixable and things are playing out just how they are supposed to. How do I walk away from something I have been wanting? It's easy when someone's life is involved. Since the guy broke up with me, he has gotten his career on track (which was supposedly the very reason he ended things with me in the first place), and some how I think he will be just fine without me. He no longer needs me there, so I am gone. I do not want to walk away but there are others who need my assistance. Maybe some day I will find someone who wants me there and has the desire for me as I have long hoped for. So I am traveling on, my heart may be broken but I am patching it as I go. I guess things seem to always have a way of working out even if we don't understand why it is going like it is. I am now on the look out for a tall male, age 20-25, drink/smoke is
optional, drugs is a major no, someone who can make me laugh when I feel like crying, and someone interested in me with me being interested in him. Obviously, that doesn't exist or I'd have it, right? Just saying. But it's time I move on from my last relationship. It will hurt, but it is time. I know it's not been that long, but it has to happen. The sooner I move on is the sooner I'll get out of this rut that I'm in hopefully.

So beyond being tired and having guy problems, or lack there of a guy to cause problems, I am having family issues. Big surprise to those of you reading this who actually know me. Go figure. So I don't understand how a daughter/sibling can call asking for money or call and start trouble but not ask how their own father is doing after his surgery. And even go by the house at least three times daily without even stopping in and the only time they stop is to check and see what happened down the road, not even asking about their own parent. I just really don't get it. And after all is said and done, they claim of how much they care and love said parent. I just really feel like smacking some people and telling them to wake the fuck up. But as my mother told me, "One day their number will be called."--whatever that may mean. Maybe she's meaning karma? We can hope, right? Hope that yanno, karma hits them in the face and breaks their nose or something. Sorry,
that was a little uncalled for.

Life isn't always bad though. I have a couple good friends who help me through the day, offering as much assistance as they can and my dad and I have a new understanding and connection for each other. He knows I am trying as hard as I can. Mom is now more appreciative of me and has a new view of me. Dad speaks more proudly of me than he has before. It feels nice to know they actually care that I care, in some ways that's almost as if they care for me, you know?

But I just felt the need to update, rant, and review.

Good riddance,

-Rai

Long days ahead

I have been blogging way too much lately. End of story. Anyway, dad's surgery is tomorrow. He really isn't certain of what is going to go on with the surgery or what will happen after. Obviously the doctors are incapable of doing their jobs to tell him what is going to go on with his surgery. So that rather upsets me, I won't lie. I'm just kind of wondering if he will even make it out. I guess that's normal with any big kind of surgery. The woman told him it would be an in-out patient surgery but I'm not sure how that will work since it's his spleen that's being "removed"--which they informed us they aren't removing, they are just cutting off the blood flow to it. Ugh. I'm not even sure if they know what's going on. It took two weeks for us to even find out what day it was. It seems to just be something like "Oh, well, we have no idea what we're doing but we're going to do it anyway!" It just upsets me that they are treating dad like this and not to mention, I don't see him recovering that fast enough to go home. Not to mention, I will be the only one taking care of him at home. I don't know if I can do this on my own. I really don't. The only person who has even offered to try to help me is Amy. (Thanks, Amy. I love you!) It just upsets me that I am doing this by my own will but yet no one else will volunteer to help. When they said he was coming home after the surgery, my jaw dropped and I was thinking "You've gotta be kidding me..." What the hell? When did the hospital become a conveyor belt for patients? "OH! Lets just rip this guy's spleen out and then send him on his way!" I think I have every right to be upset with the doctors at this moment. I have been dealing as best I can with other things going on. Meaning, not very well. Everything is getting too hard and the more I look at the situations, the more I am realizing I want out of this place ASAP. Meaning, I am probably going to end up living with a family member for a while until I can work enough to get my own place. I'm just hoping all of that will work to my advantage. I am strongly overdue for something good to happen. Two break ups this year already, one chance of a life time flushed down the drain, and everything else happening... I'm just tired of being here honestly. I want to pack, drive for miles, and not look back for a very long time. Live like a gypsy if I have to. Life time dream right there. Nothing is working anymore, nothing makes me happy anymore, nothing is keeping me here anymore besides my dad... and I feel bad that I'm thinking selfishly but sometimes you have to be selfish to make yourself happy. You can't keep relying on others to keep you laughing. I was talking to a friend of mine last night about some things and I was like "I want to travel. If I look at my guy and say 'Lets go to Europe' I want him to be like 'Hell yeah' then start booking tickets. Or if I wake him up at 3am to go for a drive, I want him to jump in and then ask where we're going. Fill up the tank, run it dry, fill it up again, head back. But I could do that alone." She said "Yeah but it wouldn't be as fun without someone to share it with." and I realized she's right. Life just isn't fun for me because i have no one to share things with. I have no one that really wants to create good times to laugh about later. I want that. Very much so. I just don't want to be stuck with the wrong one while doing so. So yeah, I'm rethinking some things I've been doing and I'm ready to make things happen just as soon as I get the chance to break free and fly solo. I need this. I know I can't go home again... but honestly, home doesn't look too good at the moment. I want out. I know I'll probably change my mind later but right now it's what I need to be happy. So lets just hope things can start looking up and I can get a plan soon to get me out and happy. I'm ready to live...

The Songs Define Me...

 ‎"Maybe you were right. Maybe I could have changed. Sitting here alone tonight thinking about a lot of things. What's a man to say when all the questions start. Hell, I know deep down inside of my broken heart. I could have tried just a little bit harder, kissed you just a little bit sweeter, held on just a little bit longer, dug down just a little bit deeper; let the world revolve around you and given you the stars above, loved you just enough to make you stay... And I'd have lost you anyway." -- Toby Keith, Lost You Anyway

The song that defines my mood right now.

I know things are gone no matter how much I fight myself to tell myself it may come back. Tears fill my eyes, worry fills my head, sorrow fills my soul, and brokenness fills my heart.

How long must I keep pretending that I am okay?
How long until this heals?

Okay, so I lied.
I lied and said I was fine.
I lied and said I was okay.
I lied and said I understood.
Pretty lies.
They hurt; they hurt myself after I tell them.
I have to keep going with this fake smile while tears are overfilling me. Just because tears are not streaking down my cheeks does not mean I am not crying.

Could I have stopped this?
Could I have loved him more?
Could I have done something to make things better?
I know he would have left no matter what I done. I know that for a fact, simply because that is just what happens. I hate the situation. I hate it. I do. Things should have been better this time. They should have. I wanted them to be better. I wanted things to work. Sigh. I feel as if I am only happy because I still have this strange belief that he will come back.

"You always find a way to keep me right here waiting; always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting. If you chose to walk away, I'd still be right here waiting searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting. I've made a commitment. I'm willing to bleed for you. I needed fulfillment. I found what I needed in you." -- Staind, Right Here Waiting.

I try to avoid the pain.

I listen to my favorite songs.
I laugh when I feel like crying.
I find the morbid humor in feeling like a part of me died.
I still cannot help but to wonder.
I wonder if I was the one who made a mistake. I wonder if anything I could have done would have changed the outcome. I wonder many many things right now, my mind is actually swirling around just trying to figure out what exactly happened. I cannot just walk away and pretend everything is damn skippy.
The songs just make it worse.
They make me actually feel the hurt I have.

I hate it.

"He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar. The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart. He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do. He's the time taken up, but there's never enough and he's all that I need to fall into." -- Taylor Swift, Teardrops On My Guitar

So now I am left.

I have a blank page before me.

I have the pen in hand.

The page remains blank.

I have no idea where to start,
So how am I to know where I will end?

"I've sure enjoyed the rain but I'm looking forward to the sun. You have to feel the pain when you lose the love you gave someone. I thought that by now the time would take away these lonely tears. I hope you're doing fine all alone. Where do I go from here?" -- Dixie Chicks, Without You

Sometimes I feel like I hurt too much.

You know, like seriously just hurt way too much.
It kills me slowly.
I mean, it helps when you know the hurt is coming.
But you still don't want it to happen.
I mean. It would be better if we could just numb ourselves to everything, wait, and let the hurt go away. 

Right?

"Times like these, I wish I were the Tin Man. You could hurt me all you wanted and I'd never even know. I'd give anything just to be the Tin Man; then I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't need a soul." -- Kenny Chesney, The Tin Man

I feel as if I almost had something.

Almost felt that special thing I needed.

Almost had a promise for the future.
Almost was sure of something.

Almost had someone who'd take care of me.

Almost found a guy who would stick around no matter what.

Almost got that warm feeling wrapped completely around my heart.
But... I was wrong.

"I almost made you love me, almost you cry, almost made you happy baby. Didn't I, didn't I? You almost had me thinking you turned around. But everybody knows almost doesn't count. Almost heard you saying you were finally free, what was always missing for you, baby you found it in me. But you can't get to Heaven half off the ground. Everybody knows almost doesn't count." -- Mark Wills, Almost Doesn't Count

I know I have got to keep going.

I can't let this get me down.

Even if he doesn't come back.

I can't give up.

It hurts, but I shall move on eventually.

I keep saying I'll never fall for another guy.
But chances are I will.

And then I'll believe again, for a while.

Then he'll leave me.
But eventually, some guy will love me so much, he'll get stuck with me.
He'll look past my flaws, past everything, and he'll heal me.
That's the one thing that will keep me going.
If he does come back, it would be wonderful if he'd be that guy.
Chances are that won't happen.
But I can still believe it for a while, right?

"You can't give up on love. That's the one thing we've got to keep going. It don't come easy and it's so hard to hold but you can't give up on love." -- Alan Jackson, You Can't Give Up On Love

I know that when I am sitting here in tears, there is a guy that wishes he could wipe them from my eyes.
I don't have to put up with this.
I'm not sure why I do. But I do.
Sigh.
Just another girl asking a guy to love her.

"You don't have to stay with someone that makes you cry. You'll end up killing all the love you have inside. Can't hope to see the sun if you don't open your eyes. Girl, don't let real love pass you by." -- Boyz II Men

There you have it.

There is how I have been feeling recently.
So if I say I'm okay, maybe you should second guess it.
At least for a while.
But I will be okay within time.

"And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd because these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to." -- Anna Nalick, Breathe (2 am)

So yesterday... Yea.

"Well I never saw it coming, should have started running a long long time ago. I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you more than you know. Slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over. I'm finally getting better and I'm picking up the pieces. I'm spending all these years putting my heart back together." (Daughtery, Over you)

So I know my actions yesterday are something I will have to deal with, eventually. For now, I will just enjoy the moment that I actually had fun while out with friends. I know things will come back to hit me in the face, but honestly it made me forget about everything--even if only for a few moments in time. I never knew what my friends meant when they said I always found comfort in someone else's arms right after a breakup. Now I am realizing that I actually do that. Being beside the lake, sitting with one of my best friends, her husband, and a tall drink of water rocking body type of guy that any girl would be happy to get... it was just amazing. Picture a very tall, about 6'7 guy, a very dark tan, ripped up dirty jeans, the most amazing light brownish eyes--almost a bronze color--, a back that you could just sink your nails into, rock hard abs, a chest that you just can't help but to touch dripping with sweat, calloused hands but so gentle to the touch, very strong arms, and a neck you just can't wait to sink your teeth into. Not to mention, the first thing I did was remove his sunglasses and make him get rid of the cigarette. Later, I got kind of used to the smell and intoxication of this temptation put before me. I couldn't help but to give in. Little did I know, hours later, I would be laying on him crying and wanting nothing more than to stay in his arms just a while longer. It seemed every time I went back in time to the ex, the guy would brush my hair out of my face, kiss my cheek, and hold me even tighter. And yes, I did tell him about the breakup that had just happened so he was aware that I was horridly upset. But I think in some odd way, he understood just what I needed at the time.

 With all of that being said, I found out two things about myself yesterday. 1) I am truly lonely no matter who I am with. 2) My biggest fear is being alone. It took talking to an ex-boyfriend to make me notice number two but it helped me. After crying all night, I now know where I need to start working on myself and getting the pieces back together. I guess another friend of mine was right when he said someone needs to work on themselves before trying to work on a relationship. Could be why I take every break up like it's an every day thing--besides that it practically is.

I am not completely over everything but I am working on it. Slowly. I'm going to use my new free time to study my guitar and try to give my heart to something steady instead of just trying to live without reason. "I still believe in this rock and rock, and I pray the music gonna save my soul...." (Pop Evil, 100 in a 55) I am definitely staying single for a while and putting myself together, getting a life started, and then trying to see how things will work out. I'm still not sure of what's even to come 12 hours from now but I can tell you that I'm going to make it one hell of a ride. All I can really say is that I am going to find who I am instead of avoiding it by finding a fix-er-up type of guy to help fix himself instead of me. It's only making me feel worse about myself when it ends. It makes me feel rather worthless at times and like I can do anything right. In between having moments of fucking up my life and this, I am slowly wondering why I keep doing this. But it is now a work in progress. I want to be independent 100% and not have that need for a guy around. I mean, it would be nice to have on there, but that will come way later. Until then, I am going to find something--and I think guitar is it--to fill that constant void in my life.

So there's that.

Good riddance,
-Rai

Life is good...

I just realized I have the most amazing friends and a wonderful guy in my life. That is all. Now if I could get rid of this darned sickness I'd be doing good. Short update, but the bed is calling me.

Good riddance,
- Rai

Will You Swear On Your Life...

New Poem Released
Anger, Comfort in the Pain @ Postpoems.com -- LovelyMissRai
( http://www.postpoems.com/cgi-bin/displaypoem.cgi?pid=746613 )

---

People often remark on how I always seem to be down about something or how negative I am on the outlooks of life but I actually wonder how many cares are behind the remarks; or is everyone just tired of me bringing them down all the time? When was the last time the same people remarking about it asked me to hang out with them and then ditched me, did not show, or just completely forgot about me? Probably within the last week. So my thoughts are, if you want me happier, maybe you should try being a better friend and stop trying to get my hopes up for something great to happen just once every few months. I understand people have their own lives, I truly do, but after a while I just get tired of bullshit excuses. I could die tomorrow and how do you think the same people would act who have treated me like nothing more than a play thing they could throw away and then get back when they wanted? They would act devastated. Exactly. But my thoughts are, if you are not wanting to make effort to show up while I am alive, do not even try to bother when I am dead. I would rather you not show up at all.

I have tried everything, almost beyond everything, to become this person that everyone wants me to be and some how I have lost something along the way. Lucky me, I also feel as if I have lost my soul somewhere in the midst of everything else. I have tried so hard to be understanding of why everyone does what they do, but half of the time I have no idea why when they cannot even begin to try to understand my emotions and concerns. I have tried to understand. I have put my heart and ass on the line for pretty much everyone and yet, I still get nothing in return. I just sit at home, alone, knitting while friends lie and say they are out with me when they have never made any effort at all to even show up at my house. Lovely story of my life there. Would it really kill people to travel another fifteen minutes to get to my house just to say hi? Apparently they think so. And it was fine, for a while. Until I realized I am just being used beyond all reasoning. And somehow, my family figured out it was okay to do this as well even though they have no idea friends do the same thing. It is like a conspiracy against me or something.

I have only a handful of people I talk to on a daily basis which is sad when I have over 100+ friends on Facebook, 60+ on AOL Instant Messenger, and 30+ on Yahoo Instant Messenger. Plus everyone knows my email from high school. When I try to write someone to make conversation, they say maybe three words and that be it. Frankly, I am starting to not give a damn about anyone. Why would I? Why should I, actually? I am becoming restless sitting at home all of the time simply because no one wants to ever hang out with me or do anything with me unless I get up at the crack of dawn and meet them out somewhere. Seeing of how I cannot drive (family issues with the whole driving thing), I cannot do that. So I am, yet again, sitting at home blogging and knitting on a Friday night due to a broken string of hope that I was going to be out and about having fun this weekend. Well, okay, I lied. I also have a Dean Koontz book to finish reading. Other than that, I really do not even have anyone to talk to. The people I was talking to already left for the evening to go out. No one thought to say, "Hey, would you like to join?" Sigh.

So I must say, if I am in a bad mood, down, or upset, maybe you should think about how you are treating me and realize that maybe, just maybe, it could be your fault. Just saying. And maybe to put me in a better mood, maybe you should stick by your word instead of getting my hopes up just to laugh behind my back later when the plans fall through. And maybe, just freaking maybe, you should try to make more effort to be a friend. It could be more awarding to you than not. I will not life forever. I could possibly die tonight. How would you feel knowing you would not have had the extra chance to prove yourself as a friend to me? Think about it. You never know what is going to happen, especially with me. The most crying at funerals is the regret in knowing you should have done something you did not before and now you will never get the chance again. Most people who can laugh and cry at the same time are those who actually made effort to be a friend and have so many stories to share. So...

"Will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my funeral?"
-- Sixx:AM, Life Is Beautiful

Good riddance,
-Rai

Brain = Fried

Warning: Blog is very scatter brained and may be confusing.

"I want to be a good man, a do like I should man, I want to be the kind of man the mirror likes to see. I want to be a strong man, an admit that I was wrong man. God, I'm asking you to come change me into the man I want to be. And if there's anyway for her and me to make another start. Could you see what you could do to put some love back in her heart." -- Chris Young

I have been asking myself for a long time now if everything I do good enough, if I give enough love, or if there is something else I should be doing to make things better. I guess I kind of got my answer and realized that literally nothing I do is right. I cannot love correctly. That is supposed to be the easiest thing in the world to do. There's always that one thing you want that you can't have or that isn't given to you in full like it should be. Opening yourself and slashing open old wounds just to find that someone pours salt in them when given chance. It's hard to understand how someone can just walk away, without looking back while you're left dying inside. The clouds only hang over your head and as much as you seem to try, no way possible for you to die. Fighting your own battle to keep things held together while personally beating yourself lifeless with the questions of "what if...."

I keep trying to position myself to make sure I am doing everything right, even adapting to new things. I started to give my all and had it thrown back at me... apparently my everything isn't enough or is too much or something. I am starting to confuse myself, actually. I've worn this mask for so long that it's actually became more of a style than a window. My face hardly ever has any expression and most of the time I cannot speak out loud. My soul has been lost for some time now and honestly, I don't look for it to be back any time soon. Talking to friends I find this is normal. Normal? Really? Normal to feel as if you don't have a soul? Wow. I'd hate to see what abnormal means. LIMBO! My soul is lost in Limbo. Incase you have no idea what the place Limbo is, google that shit.

Anyway, so here I am at 1am trying to get my thoughts out on page but they're so jammed and crowded I am now thinking about time machines (or lack there of) and going back in time. Inspired by a facebook status and comments from friends. "Yeah there is a lack of flux capacitors" says one friend. I say, "Maybe they lost it in the time machine? or invented it and then went back in time and it disappeared? he could be repeating stuff and never really know it, yanno?" and yeah, I'm sober. And something about a mango. I'm not sure how the mango plays in and I'm almost sure that was from another conversation.

So here I am. 1am. Tryin..... Oh, I've said this already. Hm. Yeah, so I love this guy and he loves me but life is complicated. And I miss the days when "I love you" "I love you too" meant we're supposed to be together. not apart. I love you does not mean "I leave you." I think people are confusing some letters or something. I love you, I want to be with you, end of story. Lets not worry about everything else, shall we? Alright then. If only life were that easy right?

My friends have helped me through tonight. Thanks guys, I love you and owe you bunches. I'll dance at your weddings! But my brain is fried like chicken, and it's burning. Okay not really, but I do have a headache. maybe I think too much? Could be, right? Yeah. That's it.

1:07am.... 107.... One.Zero.Seven. I should be in bed but I feel like my brain will implode... or explode... depending on which way it bursts. 1:08. Hm. that thought in one minute. WTF. Is my brain on slo-mo? Really. I'm concerned now. Oh 1:09.... 1-Zero-9. Nine Nine Nine. Nine. nine. ahem. Nine. Yeah. I'm still thinking... Wee Woo... Hm. I feel like 9 is lasting forever. It's been there for like a minute now. Really. Oh see, 1:10am. told you. Ahem Anyway. Back to my blooooog. Funny word. Blog.

So I'm thinking.... and on that note, I think I may go play video games. Yeah, incomplete blog. Maybe I'll do better when I'm not so stressed.

Good riddance,
-Rai xo

Untitled

Sometimes, she would love nothing more than to throw her guitar in the back of a car, head out on the highway hitting 95 in a 65 and never looking back on anything; leaving everything she has ever known and everyone behind to start over new.

Hi, Welcome To Limbo.

(New Poem) "I Wonder" -- LovelyMissRai@Postpoems.com

Erm. Do not ask me what I was even thinking when I wrote this. I have no idea. It was a absent minded type of thing. I just kind of started writing and that's what I came up with. Sad but true.

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So here I am. Another day almost came and on, another day remaining the same as all the others. I start to wonder where my life is and where my life is going. I have absolutely no plans at the moment, which I guess in some cases could be a good thing being so that I am open for anything to happen. I still can't help but to wonder what I am doing with myself. I have no real dreams anymore or goals. I barely enjoy a day, even alone. Most of the time, I am contemplating too much to even know the difference between the dream world and reality. I actually feel as if my mind uprooted itself and moved to Limbo. (www.merriam-webster.com; Limbo - a : a place or state of restraint or confinement b : a place or state of neglect or oblivion c : an intermediate or transitional place or state d : a state of uncertainty). I guess with everything going on with the family, friends, etc etc etc I just have no where left to turn. It seems that when I have an issue and get ready to ask someone if they have time to try and give me advice or just let me ramble for a while, they have already started with something in their life or they just simply won't listen.

I definitely need a sudden and dramatic change in my life to flip it completely upside down and let me to live differently. I know as soon as that happens I can never go back to the way things were simply because none of the experiences I have had can be redone--even if I come back to the same place I was and with the same people I was with. Life, to me, seems to be more of a cycle and a bit repetitive. I feel like I am missing out on life. Lately I have been thinking, "What if..." But there is no such thing as what if or what might have been. There's not. Never will be. What happens, happens. And even if you get back in that moment for the future reference, you can't redo the experiences shared or the moments you've had... or the pain caused when they left and in reality, you'll always feel a hollow space inside that you can't completely fill again. You may be able to bring the love back, but you can never undo the pain. Too many times I have gotten scared, too many times I have ran from something, too many times I have stayed somewhere because there was some sort of comfort in the pain and abuse in the situation. I cannot go back and change what has happened or make right the choices I made wrong, I can only pick up and keep going. "You leave home, you move on, you do the best you can. I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am. I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here, it's like I'm someone else. I thought that maybe I could find myself. If I could walk around, I swear I'll leave and won't take nothing but a memory from the house that built me." -- Miranda Lambert. It is hard for me to keep living restlessly, knowing my place is out somewhere else just waiting to be found. I know I find out that I end up back at home, but that is something I feel I need to discover on my own. I need to be out and exploring, not stuck here.

But with my mind in Limbo at least it doesn't seem as bad as it is.

The Secret

Text for those of you who cannot read my writing or may have images turned off:

The irony of it all is that sometimes we are completely oblivious. Our lives trying to blend and trying to survive only to figure out, we all hurt each other in some way, at some point. We all hide things and try to pretend it is all okay. At the end of the day, we have to live with what we have done adn what we have failed to do. With all honesty, the only secret to life is that everything is a secret. As much as we try to hide it, it always finds a way, a way to make itself known. There is a small sacrifice you make each time you hide something. There is also a risk, a risk to hurt one you care for, or someone whom cares for you. Think about this when you go to hide something from someone. Ask yourself is it worth willing to make someone cry. Look at who you are doing this to and picture them crying and screaming, "How could you lie to me?"

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Waiting For The Bottom To Drop Out

Connor: She's always said, "What's the rush, when things are so good?" I don't know what the hell she's so afraid of - it's like she's always waiting for the bottom to drop out.
Vivi: You know why she thinks that, don't ya, honey? Because it did. It always did.
(Scene from Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, 2002)

I have tried to blog for a couple days now and I still have too many thoughts and emotions to fit into a simple blog page but I decided that blogging a little to try and sort some of them out is better than just sitting here crying because I cannot break things down in order to deal with them. I am not even really sure what is bothering me lately so let me start and I will see where it goes.

I am scared with the new relationship that I am currently trying to make. He is a wonderful guy and I could never ask for anything more than him. He treats me like a princess and lets me know he cares but with that comes the same struggle I have each time. At least this time, I do not feel as if I have to hold back from feelings and desires. He pretty much knows what is on my mind before even asking although I am a woman of few words and hardly ever talk about how I am feeling. (Yeah, all men should be happy with that kind of woman but apparently it is stressful. Yes, I am chuckling slightly.) I guess in a way, I always wait for a guy to walk out instead of being at the door to ask what I can do to make things better. Although he says he does not want to leave, I still have those what if thoughts--and yes, I know, what if does not exist. I start to wonder if I could ever compare to the girls in his past whom he became attached to and I start to contemplate if I am actually good enough for him. Yes, of course, I have my good values just like every human but what if my good values just are not good enough? I cannot keep him around forever just with my back massages; if it were that easy, I would never have to learn to cook (yes, another joke). I want to prove to him that I do not want to leave ever and that I want things to work but at the same time, I want to try to understand where I am in his life and where he wants me to be. I mean, honestly, I still have this guy hidden under a rock cliff and no one even knows for sure if he is the guy I am dating. Some may think I have just fell off the wagon and got into a drunken relationship that I cannot get out of. Beyond this, I just feel as if I am doing something wrong by hiding him and it bothers me that I kind of have to. I know the situation is unclear to most but I know of the chaos that will occur later when everyone finds out. From the "You are dating him? Are you insane!?" to the "Rai, he is just not right for you" and to all the other drama infested lines people use just to piss me off. So in a way, I guess I am bothered that I continue to hide him... more so than I thought. Hm. I know nothing lasts forever, nothing is permanent, and the bottom will ALWAYS drop out but I would actually like to stop worrying about all of that and just let things happen. I mean, I told him to do that and he seemed pretty content but of course he is a lot stronger in that ability than I am. Sigh. I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation somehow. But at least he has been more than understanding about everything! That is always a good sign. And he did not get upset when I broke down crying to him or got sick and started whining. So I have to admit, he is the best guy ever.

Aside from the man-drama, I am getting restless being at home almost 24/7. Yes, of course, I just took two three small trips (Zoo, camping, and a road trip) but it was with family, so is that really getting away? I am not complaining about the company because I love my sister to death and her husband calls me his only friend but still, I want out and away just for a while. I know it is impossible but that does not keep me from wanting it. I am actually starting to wonder if I will ever be able to leave this place. Every time I get ready to move out, something happens I do not get to. My only dream is that a guy will get an apartment, come here, take me away, then come back to visit and win my family over... but I know, that's only in a fairy tale and they do not exist. Sigh. But I can dream! Until I can find a way to be out on my own, that is the dream I will keep having. Maybe some day, God will finally let it happen. I think my being at home all the time is more of my issue than anything else. And not being able to go out and do things, lack of car, is getting to more more than anything; of course, my friends are not helping by saying we could hang out and then never do simply because I cannot drive to meet them anywhere and no one wants to drive this "far" to come get me. So I am just kind of screwed no matter what I do. Once again, the bottom drops out.

But this is life. And now it is time for my shower and date with the cleaning supplies. SSDD... same shit, different day.

Faded

So, I was laying in bed last night thinking about everything going on in my life and an ex-boyfriend popped into my head. No matter how much I tried to shake the thoughts, he kept haunting me and I realized that maybe I haven't fully let go of what I had but it scares me to completely and entirely give up on someone, even if they have been gone for over a month or two. And by gone, I simply mean just left the state never to see or hear from him again. I cannot pretend like I am okay with the fact of what he did but I am okay as long as he did it for the better of himself and I truly mean that. I have no intentions of ever talking to him again, he is just a mere "friend" on facebook but other than that, I have no reason to even acknowledge his existence. I know that may seem bitch-worthy of me, but it is what it is. So anyway, to deal with my thoughts, I wrote this poem and I thought my blog readers and poetry readers would enjoy.

"Faded"

The thoughts of you beside me in bed have now faded
Replaced with an emptiness I would have often traded
So much love turned to lust, quickly eating us alive
Our hearts grew heavy, falling fast, almost love deprived.

Where you are now haunts my mind, making it hard to sleep
Remembering the promises you made, but failed to keep
Seeing you in the back of my mind causes a new fear
And hearing the song of ours seems to bring a tear.

I cannot regret or go back and undo
Even if I could, I wouldn't want to.
Here I am laying, with you still lingering here
But I wake up to see that you are far from near.

Going on without you, the days start to grow cold and long
I can't keep from wishing I could hear you sing our song
But its time for me to go and leave these thoughts at rest
Smile and turn away, looking back only to wish you the best.

http://postpoems.com/cgi-bin/displaypoem.cgi?pid=745307

Fail. Epic fail. Again. Sigh.

So within the last couple months and the last couple blogs, things have been changing rapidly, and some has been beyond my knowledge. I have found out a lot about myself and honestly, I like this person so much better than the other. No one is making me pretend to be something I am not and no one is trying to make me do things I do not want to do. What I do is what I want to do and that is that. The world is pretty much right, right? Wrong.

With everything weighing on my mind, especially dad's upcoming surgery, I am at a loss with what I am doing with myself and what I need to do. I am torn between wanting to be here but wanting to be somewhere else and it is rather stressful. I know I need to take care of matters here before I even think about leaving. Why? Because that is just how I am. I maybe a hellion but I still take care of my family first. I am just really hoping things go well and he heals and everything. It is a scary thing for us to be going through, even though we do not talk much about it.

Other than all of this, I am basically having an "Oh shit..." moment. There I was, healing slowly, taking my time to make sure I healed right, I was doing just fine. Honestly, I was doing better than fine. So maybe I should go ahead and admit that I had a little help from an amazing guy. Friends are actually asking me if I am going to keep this one. I simply laugh and swear I am not going down the dating route again--at least for a long time. I thought things were going great how they were, I did not think much about it, just let it happen as it happened. Keep in mind the "I thought..." you may need that tid-bit later. Lots of laughter, smiles, no regrets. I started to find myself thanking whatever force of nature that brought him to me. I felt like he was the right thing for me... until he actually brought it to my attention that we are practically dating. Then I had a slight panic. Sigh. So needless to say, I completely failed and probably ruined that chance. That is my luck right? Right. Sigh. Fail. Epic fucking fail. Sigh. But you know what? I am definitely not giving up. I just maybe need to think before I speak from now on... Which is actually hard for me to do these days. Sigh. Crap. *hangs head and walks away* But honestly, I am just hoping I did not screw up too bad with this one. I kind of want to keep him around.

So as I am feeling a bit of regret about things from yesterday, I am going to use that as motivation to actually get some cleaning done. And maybe even some guitar.

Good riddance,
-Rai