Connor: She's always said, "What's the rush, when things are so good?" I don't know what the hell she's so afraid of - it's like she's always waiting for the bottom to drop out.
Vivi: You know why she thinks that, don't ya, honey? Because it did. It always did.
(Scene from Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, 2002)
I have tried to blog for a couple days now and I still have too many thoughts and emotions to fit into a simple blog page but I decided that blogging a little to try and sort some of them out is better than just sitting here crying because I cannot break things down in order to deal with them. I am not even really sure what is bothering me lately so let me start and I will see where it goes.
I am scared with the new relationship that I am currently trying to make. He is a wonderful guy and I could never ask for anything more than him. He treats me like a princess and lets me know he cares but with that comes the same struggle I have each time. At least this time, I do not feel as if I have to hold back from feelings and desires. He pretty much knows what is on my mind before even asking although I am a woman of few words and hardly ever talk about how I am feeling. (Yeah, all men should be happy with that kind of woman but apparently it is stressful. Yes, I am chuckling slightly.) I guess in a way, I always wait for a guy to walk out instead of being at the door to ask what I can do to make things better. Although he says he does not want to leave, I still have those what if thoughts--and yes, I know, what if does not exist. I start to wonder if I could ever compare to the girls in his past whom he became attached to and I start to contemplate if I am actually good enough for him. Yes, of course, I have my good values just like every human but what if my good values just are not good enough? I cannot keep him around forever just with my back massages; if it were that easy, I would never have to learn to cook (yes, another joke). I want to prove to him that I do not want to leave ever and that I want things to work but at the same time, I want to try to understand where I am in his life and where he wants me to be. I mean, honestly, I still have this guy hidden under a rock cliff and no one even knows for sure if he is the guy I am dating. Some may think I have just fell off the wagon and got into a drunken relationship that I cannot get out of. Beyond this, I just feel as if I am doing something wrong by hiding him and it bothers me that I kind of have to. I know the situation is unclear to most but I know of the chaos that will occur later when everyone finds out. From the "You are dating him? Are you insane!?" to the "Rai, he is just not right for you" and to all the other drama infested lines people use just to piss me off. So in a way, I guess I am bothered that I continue to hide him... more so than I thought. Hm. I know nothing lasts forever, nothing is permanent, and the bottom will ALWAYS drop out but I would actually like to stop worrying about all of that and just let things happen. I mean, I told him to do that and he seemed pretty content but of course he is a lot stronger in that ability than I am. Sigh. I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation somehow. But at least he has been more than understanding about everything! That is always a good sign. And he did not get upset when I broke down crying to him or got sick and started whining. So I have to admit, he is the best guy ever.
Aside from the man-drama, I am getting restless being at home almost 24/7. Yes, of course, I just took two three small trips (Zoo, camping, and a road trip) but it was with family, so is that really getting away? I am not complaining about the company because I love my sister to death and her husband calls me his only friend but still, I want out and away just for a while. I know it is impossible but that does not keep me from wanting it. I am actually starting to wonder if I will ever be able to leave this place. Every time I get ready to move out, something happens I do not get to. My only dream is that a guy will get an apartment, come here, take me away, then come back to visit and win my family over... but I know, that's only in a fairy tale and they do not exist. Sigh. But I can dream! Until I can find a way to be out on my own, that is the dream I will keep having. Maybe some day, God will finally let it happen. I think my being at home all the time is more of my issue than anything else. And not being able to go out and do things, lack of car, is getting to more more than anything; of course, my friends are not helping by saying we could hang out and then never do simply because I cannot drive to meet them anywhere and no one wants to drive this "far" to come get me. So I am just kind of screwed no matter what I do. Once again, the bottom drops out.
But this is life. And now it is time for my shower and date with the cleaning supplies. SSDD... same shit, different day.
Vivi: You know why she thinks that, don't ya, honey? Because it did. It always did.
(Scene from Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, 2002)
I have tried to blog for a couple days now and I still have too many thoughts and emotions to fit into a simple blog page but I decided that blogging a little to try and sort some of them out is better than just sitting here crying because I cannot break things down in order to deal with them. I am not even really sure what is bothering me lately so let me start and I will see where it goes.
I am scared with the new relationship that I am currently trying to make. He is a wonderful guy and I could never ask for anything more than him. He treats me like a princess and lets me know he cares but with that comes the same struggle I have each time. At least this time, I do not feel as if I have to hold back from feelings and desires. He pretty much knows what is on my mind before even asking although I am a woman of few words and hardly ever talk about how I am feeling. (Yeah, all men should be happy with that kind of woman but apparently it is stressful. Yes, I am chuckling slightly.) I guess in a way, I always wait for a guy to walk out instead of being at the door to ask what I can do to make things better. Although he says he does not want to leave, I still have those what if thoughts--and yes, I know, what if does not exist. I start to wonder if I could ever compare to the girls in his past whom he became attached to and I start to contemplate if I am actually good enough for him. Yes, of course, I have my good values just like every human but what if my good values just are not good enough? I cannot keep him around forever just with my back massages; if it were that easy, I would never have to learn to cook (yes, another joke). I want to prove to him that I do not want to leave ever and that I want things to work but at the same time, I want to try to understand where I am in his life and where he wants me to be. I mean, honestly, I still have this guy hidden under a rock cliff and no one even knows for sure if he is the guy I am dating. Some may think I have just fell off the wagon and got into a drunken relationship that I cannot get out of. Beyond this, I just feel as if I am doing something wrong by hiding him and it bothers me that I kind of have to. I know the situation is unclear to most but I know of the chaos that will occur later when everyone finds out. From the "You are dating him? Are you insane!?" to the "Rai, he is just not right for you" and to all the other drama infested lines people use just to piss me off. So in a way, I guess I am bothered that I continue to hide him... more so than I thought. Hm. I know nothing lasts forever, nothing is permanent, and the bottom will ALWAYS drop out but I would actually like to stop worrying about all of that and just let things happen. I mean, I told him to do that and he seemed pretty content but of course he is a lot stronger in that ability than I am. Sigh. I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation somehow. But at least he has been more than understanding about everything! That is always a good sign. And he did not get upset when I broke down crying to him or got sick and started whining. So I have to admit, he is the best guy ever.
Aside from the man-drama, I am getting restless being at home almost 24/7. Yes, of course, I just took two three small trips (Zoo, camping, and a road trip) but it was with family, so is that really getting away? I am not complaining about the company because I love my sister to death and her husband calls me his only friend but still, I want out and away just for a while. I know it is impossible but that does not keep me from wanting it. I am actually starting to wonder if I will ever be able to leave this place. Every time I get ready to move out, something happens I do not get to. My only dream is that a guy will get an apartment, come here, take me away, then come back to visit and win my family over... but I know, that's only in a fairy tale and they do not exist. Sigh. But I can dream! Until I can find a way to be out on my own, that is the dream I will keep having. Maybe some day, God will finally let it happen. I think my being at home all the time is more of my issue than anything else. And not being able to go out and do things, lack of car, is getting to more more than anything; of course, my friends are not helping by saying we could hang out and then never do simply because I cannot drive to meet them anywhere and no one wants to drive this "far" to come get me. So I am just kind of screwed no matter what I do. Once again, the bottom drops out.
But this is life. And now it is time for my shower and date with the cleaning supplies. SSDD... same shit, different day.
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