Ugh. FML.

So we all know that I'm twenty years old. Twenty, 20, the number after nineteen. Actually, I'm almost twenty-one, 21. I will be in January. Sadly, I am still being treated like I am 10 by my parents. The only reason they can do this is, well, because they can and they can get by with it. Why? Because I simply have no where else to go and it's not like a friend is going to help me by giving me a place to stay for a few months and it's not like my sister will either. I feel like I'm stuck with no way out, no where to go, the walls are closing in, and frankly I'm getting a little more than claustrophobic.  So the story, this time, goes like this:
I was volunteering at a festival all day Saturday, from like noon to 7:30pm. I actually left before it was even over to keep from being around drunks and such. So I had a great day, met amazing people, had a few laughs, and for the first time in a while I actually was happy and I was doing something just for the sake of doing it... not because I was told to do so or anything. So I get home, dad says a drunk guy called me, totally not my fault. So he takes the whole thing out on me, no one else will take up for me and they just kind of let me go about my way and fight with dad solo. Thanks for the help, family! I really appreciate it. So anyway, now I am grounded because of a stupid prank someone pulled or something. I'm not even sure who the Hell called honestly. No one will confess up to it. So I'm grounded, at 20, can't leave my house at all, and it's not even my fault.
If it was my fault, I'd take total blame for it. But it's not. And this sucks because there is a youth church thing coming up that my friend is doing, and I just found out he's becoming a preacher. But there is no way dad will even begin to understand and let me go, even though the friend is just a friend and a preacher. Sigh. Yeah, I totally need to move out, right?

I have been sick since Saturday, the only person who's actually attempted to take care of me is the ex-boyfriend. Which is sad because I thought he hated me by now. I swear, I love that kid in the friend sense. I'd be lost without him sometimes. He's a best friend that I hope I never lose. We didn't work out as a couple but we do make a good team as friends only. He's quite amazing and I trust him with my life, besides for an incident when he told me to eat chalk for my upset stomach. (No, I didn't really do it... just for the record.) But at least he's trying to take care of me. While everyone else has a "Get the Hell away from me" attitude, he's been nothing but nice to me. I'm starting to wonder if the world shifted atmospheres or something. Maybe he's just being a good friend. I don't know, I'm not complaining, just giving him praise for what he's done for me lately.

I'm scatterbrained. It's too early. I want more sleep. But I must clean. My job is never done. I just wish I got a little something in return or at least pay. :( 

Nightmare Woke Me =/

Nightmare:
So I walked into a hospital room to visit someone, I'm not sure of who it was or even what he looked like. All I remember is that it was a male. I'm guessing a young male. He had the diary of his mother laying on the floor beside the hospital bed. I phoned someone, not sure of who, and asked if there were a reason for it being there. Somehow, the dream took a turn for the worse and I found myself ghost hunting the soul of my beloved friend's mother through her diary. Some how this lead into my own home. I answered the door and there was a childish figure standing before me and the figure seemed to have a glass eye; the only difference is, the eye actually twinkled at me. Like in the movies/cartoons, you can see a slight twinkle when someone is up to mischief or falling in love. It was an odd eye. It was an odd creature. It was somewhat like a doll, the face and everything looked like a hard rubber. The shadows came to life soon after and started to haunt me. After a moment, I woke up.



I have no idea why I even had that dream but I will tell you this, I cannot go back to sleep now. =/ Then I thought of making this into a story. Haha. It just seems weird and needs some parts put together. I blame Dean Koontz. But I seriously think I could use this and create a story. It wouldn't be the first time a dream inspired me to write. Maybe that's where most of my inspiration comes from--the dream world?

Holding On (poem)

It seems like all of your dreams are coming true

I guess you had a point when you left me for you

I hold on to the belief that you will be back around

I have yet to let one tear drop fall to the ground.

Waking up, slowly realizing that you are gone away

You will never come back. Especially not today.

The anger rages through me, but I cannot scream

I keep hoping this is not as real as it may seem.

I still believe we could work things out, give us a try,

I can't help but to fall to my knees, asking myself why;

Why you left, why I am waiting for you to come home,

Why I put myself through Hell knowing you are gone.

I got a message from you, saying you are alright

But I still believe you should be holding me tonight.

I feel confused, sad, lost, a little dead on the inside

I have done everything, I even swallowed my pride.

I know things sometimes work out for the best

And sometimes moments put love to a test

I don't know how much longer I can fight 

But something about suffering seems right.

It gets harder to breathe without you by my side

I have finally broke down and I have finally cried.

This is the part that really hurts the most--the letting go,

I should walk away but I still love you, just so you know.


"Holding On"

Ugh. Update. Mhm.

So the surgery went fine, all of that worrying for nothing pretty much but we're still not sure how it will go in the future. They didn't remove it, they're basically just going to let it deteriorate and whatever happens from there when organs do that? So I have been busy taking care of things around there. When I am not cleaning, helping dad, or taking care of his animals, I am usually napping. So my point is, I haven't had time to update really.

So, a lot has happened within the last few days, sadly enough. I have realized the things I have been wanting to fix is not fixable and things are playing out just how they are supposed to. How do I walk away from something I have been wanting? It's easy when someone's life is involved. Since the guy broke up with me, he has gotten his career on track (which was supposedly the very reason he ended things with me in the first place), and some how I think he will be just fine without me. He no longer needs me there, so I am gone. I do not want to walk away but there are others who need my assistance. Maybe some day I will find someone who wants me there and has the desire for me as I have long hoped for. So I am traveling on, my heart may be broken but I am patching it as I go. I guess things seem to always have a way of working out even if we don't understand why it is going like it is. I am now on the look out for a tall male, age 20-25, drink/smoke is
optional, drugs is a major no, someone who can make me laugh when I feel like crying, and someone interested in me with me being interested in him. Obviously, that doesn't exist or I'd have it, right? Just saying. But it's time I move on from my last relationship. It will hurt, but it is time. I know it's not been that long, but it has to happen. The sooner I move on is the sooner I'll get out of this rut that I'm in hopefully.

So beyond being tired and having guy problems, or lack there of a guy to cause problems, I am having family issues. Big surprise to those of you reading this who actually know me. Go figure. So I don't understand how a daughter/sibling can call asking for money or call and start trouble but not ask how their own father is doing after his surgery. And even go by the house at least three times daily without even stopping in and the only time they stop is to check and see what happened down the road, not even asking about their own parent. I just really don't get it. And after all is said and done, they claim of how much they care and love said parent. I just really feel like smacking some people and telling them to wake the fuck up. But as my mother told me, "One day their number will be called."--whatever that may mean. Maybe she's meaning karma? We can hope, right? Hope that yanno, karma hits them in the face and breaks their nose or something. Sorry,
that was a little uncalled for.

Life isn't always bad though. I have a couple good friends who help me through the day, offering as much assistance as they can and my dad and I have a new understanding and connection for each other. He knows I am trying as hard as I can. Mom is now more appreciative of me and has a new view of me. Dad speaks more proudly of me than he has before. It feels nice to know they actually care that I care, in some ways that's almost as if they care for me, you know?

But I just felt the need to update, rant, and review.

Good riddance,

-Rai

Long days ahead

I have been blogging way too much lately. End of story. Anyway, dad's surgery is tomorrow. He really isn't certain of what is going to go on with the surgery or what will happen after. Obviously the doctors are incapable of doing their jobs to tell him what is going to go on with his surgery. So that rather upsets me, I won't lie. I'm just kind of wondering if he will even make it out. I guess that's normal with any big kind of surgery. The woman told him it would be an in-out patient surgery but I'm not sure how that will work since it's his spleen that's being "removed"--which they informed us they aren't removing, they are just cutting off the blood flow to it. Ugh. I'm not even sure if they know what's going on. It took two weeks for us to even find out what day it was. It seems to just be something like "Oh, well, we have no idea what we're doing but we're going to do it anyway!" It just upsets me that they are treating dad like this and not to mention, I don't see him recovering that fast enough to go home. Not to mention, I will be the only one taking care of him at home. I don't know if I can do this on my own. I really don't. The only person who has even offered to try to help me is Amy. (Thanks, Amy. I love you!) It just upsets me that I am doing this by my own will but yet no one else will volunteer to help. When they said he was coming home after the surgery, my jaw dropped and I was thinking "You've gotta be kidding me..." What the hell? When did the hospital become a conveyor belt for patients? "OH! Lets just rip this guy's spleen out and then send him on his way!" I think I have every right to be upset with the doctors at this moment. I have been dealing as best I can with other things going on. Meaning, not very well. Everything is getting too hard and the more I look at the situations, the more I am realizing I want out of this place ASAP. Meaning, I am probably going to end up living with a family member for a while until I can work enough to get my own place. I'm just hoping all of that will work to my advantage. I am strongly overdue for something good to happen. Two break ups this year already, one chance of a life time flushed down the drain, and everything else happening... I'm just tired of being here honestly. I want to pack, drive for miles, and not look back for a very long time. Live like a gypsy if I have to. Life time dream right there. Nothing is working anymore, nothing makes me happy anymore, nothing is keeping me here anymore besides my dad... and I feel bad that I'm thinking selfishly but sometimes you have to be selfish to make yourself happy. You can't keep relying on others to keep you laughing. I was talking to a friend of mine last night about some things and I was like "I want to travel. If I look at my guy and say 'Lets go to Europe' I want him to be like 'Hell yeah' then start booking tickets. Or if I wake him up at 3am to go for a drive, I want him to jump in and then ask where we're going. Fill up the tank, run it dry, fill it up again, head back. But I could do that alone." She said "Yeah but it wouldn't be as fun without someone to share it with." and I realized she's right. Life just isn't fun for me because i have no one to share things with. I have no one that really wants to create good times to laugh about later. I want that. Very much so. I just don't want to be stuck with the wrong one while doing so. So yeah, I'm rethinking some things I've been doing and I'm ready to make things happen just as soon as I get the chance to break free and fly solo. I need this. I know I can't go home again... but honestly, home doesn't look too good at the moment. I want out. I know I'll probably change my mind later but right now it's what I need to be happy. So lets just hope things can start looking up and I can get a plan soon to get me out and happy. I'm ready to live...