Moving on...

I haven't blogged in a while simply because I'm just lazy but I do have a lot going on right now.

My friend has been in ICU for a week now and it's not good at all. I miss her already. I haven't been able to go see her and I know that seriously makes me look like a bad person to everyone because they're probably thinking, "Well, she claims to care so much but yet she won't come see her?" but in all honesty it's hard to do so when I can't drive and when I have a sick father at home too. I do feel terrible that I can't visit with her and her family in their time of need but I hope they will all understand. I do care. She's actually the only one I talk to at night so now I'm just like "Hey, my night just isn't the same anymore..." I guess it all happens, right?

Other than having a sick father and that, I can honestly say I finally feel like things are coming into place for me. I mean, there is still chaos but that's life, yanno? It happens, I guess. Sigh. I'm just finally starting to be happy. I finally have a reason to get out of bed in the mornings. It's a very nice change that I'm starting to get used to.

I finally got my classring back and gave my ex-boyfriend his back and I finally got some closure with another ex-boyfriend of mine. I won't say I don't miss the one I just tossed away because he was a really good friend and was always there for me or tried to be--I tend to get a little out of hand--and I'm going to miss that. But what's done is done and it had to be done. I couldn't find a way to keep living like nothing ever happened with a huge cloud of guilt hanging over my head. It doomed me. I felt like I was a horrible person for keeping him in my life. Granted, he is happy now and he's doing well so I guess it all worked out good for him anyway. Now I'm alone again but it's for the right reason. I'm not just using someone to have a place holder while waiting for my prince charming to realize "Hey, she's not going to be around forever." So at least I'm finding the things I need to try to seal up some holes in my soul and move on with my life.

"Yeah, there's a hole in my soul but one thing I've learned, for every love letter written there's another one burned. So you tell me how it's gonna be this time. Is it over? Is it over? 'Cause I'm blowing out the flame..." -- Aerosmith, Hole In My SoulAnd so now I'm just doing what I need to do in order to survive until I find out how to move on and take the next step toward a new life--whatever life that may be. I feel anxious to see what will happen but scared of the future I'm trying to make. It's sad to leave one life behind, but honestly it's just not a life for me anymore.

So here I am. I'm standing in front of a guy and the only thing I can do is ask him to love me.

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My Soul

The guilt hangs over my head like a dark storm cloud, the years of hurt and pain channel itself into tears falling slowly down my cheeks, I bow to my knees asking for forgiveness--knowing that some things we just cannot be forgiven for. I struggle through the darkness, not a light do I see anywhere. My hands run along the jagged walls of rock and stone. I feel like a mime trapped in a small box only this isn't so easy as to draw a door and step out into the light. My hands start to shake, my body starts to tremble, my anger grows fierce making my fists lash out at the walls. The walls cut, bruise, and stain my hands. All the time I have spent wasted just trying to thrive on hurting something to survive; now here I am, lost and alone. No where to go, no one to turn to. I walk slowly, kicking at the thin air to make sure there is not some hidden object in this chamber. Finally, I open my eyes and realize I was only hidden inside my soul. My soul so dark. It can never be forgiven, for it is too far gone. All that is left is my own guilt, my own pain, and the very reason I am alone.

Valentine's Day? No thank you.

I am realizing how bad Valentine's day actually upsets me. In the past, I have hated it just because something bad always happened on or around the time--kind of like my birthday, honestly--but this year, tables have turned and let us just say that I see how hard it is for people who are alone and have their heart set on that one person and they cannot seem to change how they feel. I also see why most single and lonely people drink.

I feel like I am going around in circles trying to get this guy to see the truth behind the words I say. I throw myself out there all the time but when I do, I always land face first in to a pile of dirt and get no where. So I stand up, dust myself off, take a second to analyze the situation, then do it again. You would think I would learn from the first couple times of doing it that it does not help anything and only leaves me hurt with more than a few scratches and scrapes; but I keep doing it.

I am at a loss of what else I can do. I am trying, almost a little too hard, to prove myself and it seems worthless and very useless. I start to question if I am good enough. I know nothing is ever as easy as, "Ok. So I like you. You like me. Lets do this." but it should not have to be this complicated either. It gets a little harder every day and it makes me fight until I lose all strength, become weak, and honestly cannot even stand on my own two feet. Am I really not trying and fighting hard enough? I start to wonder if I am just not good enough or if I am doing something wrong or if I am just not doing something that I should be doing. I just, I just do not understand this... at all.

"I am everything you want / I am everything you need / I am everything inside of you / That you wish you could be / I say all the right things / At exactly that right time / But I mean nothing to you / And I don't know why." -- Vertical Horizon

I realize that I am being selfish by wanting what I want and wanting it when I want it, but I have been in this same position for a year and every time I get left in the cold. I feel like I am a mime, screaming silently in the the box, and no matter what I do, I cannot break it open and even if I could he could not hear me screaming. I am helpless, hopeless, and losing faith in what I know what should be. It is my choice to be alone but I want to be alone for the right reason instead of with someone for the wrong reason. I want and need this guy. I do not want to go without him.

I most definitely am not confused or angry, I just start to wonder what I have done to piss fate off and make it not believe I deserve this guy. 

*Sigh.*

New Poem: The Teddy Bear

When I got the teddy bear

The sight made me cry

It was a best friend

With only one eye;

Some stitches were missing

Seams falling apart

I knew it would be hurting

If it had a heart.

It looked so alone

With its stuffing all worn

Its coat was a mess

So tattered, so torn;

This poor little guy

Who was now my friend

So I went to work

For days on end.

I gave hime a new smile

I fixed his broken hems

And now his new eyes

Shined like tiny gems.

I knitted him a shirt

Various colors to show

Inside was a bear

That was fit to glow.

I cleaned up his fur

The very best I could

I gave him a hug

He'd thank me if he would.

Once so broken,

Falling apart without love

Is still not perfect

But the best I could dream of.

Everything once broken

Can be fixed if you care,

Anything shattered

Can also be repaired.

That was a weird dream...

I hardly ever have dreams that I remember but last night, I had a dream I was walking down an old dirt road with just a backpack on my back with a few food items, some water, and some clothing. It was late spring, summer, or early fall. I was walking by different types of housing and some elderly people were on the porches or peering out the windows. Actually one even opened the door and asked where I was going because her dog had taken a liking to the smell of food in my bag. I turned around, returned her dog, kept going but when I looked down beside me the dog was still there about two miles later. I just kept walking. I don't know where I was going or even why. But with every step, it felt like I was getting freed from something. But then toward the end of the dream, my legs grew weak and I grew so tired. Then thought about the money and food I had left... I only had $40 and only a few items of food that wouldn't ruin and only a few bottles of water. But yet, I never turned around. I just kept going forwards not even stopping.




I'm picking out certain parts and items of the dream that I remember to analyze it and research.



What I have found so far:

-Runaway
"To dream that you are a runaway indicates that you are dealing with issues of belonging and acceptance."

-Walking
"To dream that you are walking with ease represents the way you are moving through life and progress toward your goals. Consider your destination. To dream that you are have difficulties walking indicates that you are reluctant and hesitant in proceeding forward in some situation. You may also be trying to distance yourself from certain life experiences. The difficulty in walking is a reflection of your current situation and the obstacles that you are experiencing."

-Path
"To walk through a quiet, open path, signifies clarity of thought and peace of mind."

-Puppy
"Puppies may represent playfulness, dependence, and carefree fun."

-Tree
From what I could tell, by research, most trees mean something about spirituality, purity, and achievement. Besides a few. Most trees represent that dreamer. Seeing of how it was just one single tree beside the road, I could see how that would be possible. Granted, I'm not a tree expert so I couldn't tell you what type of tree it was.

-The Elderly Woman
"To see a hag in your dream may represent the Wise Old Woman figure and refers to nurturance. Negatively, to see a hag in your dream signifies the devouring mother.

-Old People
"To see an elderly person in your dream represents wisdom or spiritual power. Pay attention to the message or advise that they are conveying you. They help provide life answers and solutions to your problems an try to guide you toward the right direction."

-Fence
"To see a fence in your dream, signifies an obstacle or barrier that may be standing on your path. You may feel confined and restricted in expressing yourself. Are you feeling fenced in? Alternatively, it may symbolize a need for privacy. You may want to shut off the rest of the world."



So, what I'm getting from those meanings from a site, I am looking for some acceptance, I'm trying to move on in life but I'm also having difficulties to do so, it would bring a peace of mind if I did. I would finally be dependent. Still not sure about the tree. Apparently I long for nurturance from a "devoured mother." And since no one was giving me guidance in the dream, I suppose I was probably on the right path of trying to move on. And I have an obstacle in my way of going forth in life. 

Sigh.

And for the record, I didn't mean to steal the old woman's puppy, it just followed me.

What's on my mind? Too much.

I realize the only time I really blog about any feelings or anything is when I have so much on my mind and I have no one to turn to or I just do not want to talk to anyone about it. It just seems easier for me to type everything out and then let who ever is curious read it or not. I could care less either way.Hardly anyone ever reads it, right? Right. Anyway.

There is actually a lot on my mind right now, so lets start with one and then see where we end up, shall we?


1) Religion, Spiritual Guidance, and Filling the Void

So here I am just kind of sitting here and thinking about everything, not just life and but death as well.I guess you could say I have lost my spiritual guidance and I am searching for that light over head that says, "Have faith." I could not tell you when I lost that light but it just disappeared. Like one day I was happy with my religious stance and then it was suddenly like someone switched that light off and left me in the dark. Could be just a rut that I am in or something to that extent but I feel like right now, I am just living to die without any reason, explanation, or cause as to where I am in life or even who/what I am. I feel like something has taken over me, directing me into a different path each day. I believe there is something there but I could not place a name or tell one what it may be. Still, I try to get people to believe in something--even if that may be reaching a level of Nirvana. So here I am on this mystical journey trying to find something that I can personally believe in without any question of why it was "created" or why it "exists." Christianity just is not cutting it for me anymore. I question too much of what goes on with it. Plus the whole good book thing kind of just no longer fits to life.


2) Love, Dating, The Whole Sha-bang.
Okay. I am lost on how to start these thoughts to flow into a paragraph or two enough to make sense. I regret things I have done in my dating life. I regret not giving guys chances when I probably should have but just walking away and laughing in their face because of it. Only recently, I found out what that is like. After all was said and done with my, I guess one could say, gaming. I found an amazing person. This still pains me every day. I know I was reckless, I know I have did things that makes me undeserving of him, and I know I was also careless with someone else during this time. Long story short, my heart gets a case of ADD when I get impatient. Here I am back at square one begging this guy to let me be his everything. Just to get that chance I never felt I got before, to try to make this happen, to be there for him and love him like I know no one else ever could. I know I need to just wait things out sometimes but there are also times when a person has to take action or they will miss out. Love is a risk. I am not saying I am the best in the world for him, but I do know that I would treat him as the knight in shining armor that I see him as. I feel like my love for him just popped out of a fairy tale or something. The kind of love only a princess would long and wait for while stranded in her castle. I know this sounds the same every time I blog but it is only because the feelings for him have not changed since I fell in love with him, they only grow stronger with time. It is so easy for someone to tell me to move on, until they feel exactly how I feel right now. It has been around about eight or nine months since this guy walked out of my life and it has been the most miserable eight or nine months of my life. And trust me, I'am not the one to dwell on heartache, I move on as quickly as possible; two weeks and I am ready for someone new. Not only do I have to sit and long for this guy but also have to watch other people hurting him without even being able to kick ass over it or make a few cunts wish they had never been born. Just lightly speaking. I question if he actually knows how much I love him, since I just kind of stepped back and let him go but I also wonder if he knows I let him go simply because I do love him. I also wonder if he knows I still wait for him as patiently as possible. He has my heart and that will not change.

3) Friends, Hanging Out, and Chatting

I start to wonder if certain friends of mine even know if I am still alive. Most do not write, most do not call, or even IM when they are online. Technology is supposed to make communication easier, not prove how much of a bitch you truly are. Just throwing that out there. Does it really hurt to stop for two seconds and make sure your friend is okay? And does it hurt to actually want to hang out sometimes? Make plans to do so and actually follow through on them? Oh wait, forgot, I do not drink so I do not have any friends or anything. Sorry. I forgot for a second. Actually, I do have a couple good friends which would not be so horrible if like four out of five did not live forever away. I still enjoy them nevertheless, but I just get tired of people's bullshit when they say "Oh she is my best friend" when they never even talk to me. Ugh.

4) Family, Drama, and The Whole Nine Yards
Wow. Family really never changes. So my sister figured out, finally after six months, that I had blocked her on Facebook. Granted, I find it funny that she cannot even find my name listed anywhere on the site. I giggle to myself. Anyway. So I know she is looking for more dirt to dig up on me to run and tell dad when dad and I are finally getting along great. I would seriously love to just shove something down her throat and kick her a few times. Sorry, that is a bit harsh I agree. But hopefully by the time she finds my blog, I will have already done so. So I did not really have much to rant about with the family thing, just my sister irritates me. And I have news for her, I am not watching her kid all spring and summer break without pay. I refuse!

5) That's All Folks
I know it is pretty much the same shit every day, but dammit I am getting sick of it not changing or getting better. /End of story.