Random dive into the world...

We are often faced with decisions that will base our lives. The choices we make will not only effect us but the the world around us. What do you do when you know right from wrong but what makes you happy defies every single moral standing you have set for yourself. I'm not the type of girl to randomly change my life--I have been known to do that and mess up in every way possible. I try to think things out now before I jump head first into the cold ocean, forgetting I can't swim.

Happiness is what you create. Some have said. Those people are just settling and still trying to find improvements in their every day life. Now that I think back to the moments in time of which I said this myself, I am starting to rethink the possibility that happiness is there... you have to chance it and chase it. You never know what is around the corner or who could change your life for the better. All you can do is hope you don't mess up so horribly that you can no longer retrace your steps and fix where you have went wrong.

All I know is that recently my life came to a halt and before I knew it I was staring at new pastures seeing the green grass, turning around and looking at my own to see only barren spots where grass and water were supposed to be. Love is strange like that. Its simple to train yourself to love another individual, to cherish them and hold them dear to your heart but what happens when you decide to break the training because you got a glimpse of what love is supposed to be. Even if you train a dog to sit, he won't sit unless he knows he will be rewarded after. I feel as though I have trained myself to love and the treats ans rewards are gone for the love I have chosen. I feel alone and scared. But then all the sudden someone takes me into his arms and life instantly becomes okay. I'm no longer scared, cold, or feeling alone. The look in his eyes tell stories of love for me that I only imagined when I was a child. I'm growing more confused and my longing for him grows wildly, the fire deep down is flaming out of control.  I don't know his to stop the excitement or even if I'd want to.

The way he makes me feel is hard to explain. I am once again important. I am wanted. I have room to grow with him. I have someone who cares deeply for me. I can't just give up on the life I have now and chase that fairy tale of a dream, can I? And what would happen if I did?

Even the beauty and the beast needed time to create love and they lived happily ever after... after he tried to kill her father and make her life miserable ... maybe that's what's wrong with me. Fairy tales have trained me to believe love isn't always easy and isn't what its cracked up to be. Magenta rerouting my thoughts is a harder process than I had assumed it would be. All I know is that lately my life feels complete and I feel happy again with him. The dark days are over when. I see his eyes gazing hopelessly into mine and most of all, I started seeing my future in them. How am I supposed to live the life I have known for so long and taught myself to enjoy if he came along and swept me off my feet and isn't willing to put me down so easily... and the fact that I really do love it when he does it is making it unbearable.

Closing statement being, what I thought of love was wrong. It should come natural. It should just happened. You shouldn't have to make your heart love someone. It just should automatically.

Beyond Belief...

Belief n. Something that is trusted or believed.

Believe v. To trust as true or real; to hold onto religious beliefs.

How can a person be so apt to accept things as they are and believe in something so much there is not a doubt in his mind about what lies beyond only what a human is able to see? How does a person gain that much faith? How does one not question the mysteries of life or wonder about how certain things have been evolved or created? I've always thought that as long as you believe in something that keeps you going daily and as long as you keep a belief going, that's all that mattered--even if you decided to change your belief. I personally really don't have that much to believe in. I'm actually talking deeper than religion.

I wonder daily about the existance of my personal self and I wonder if the answer is often worth the pain and suffer we go through in most situations. Speaking from a person with depression and mild anxiety, that is a lot to take in. I just start to question why I am here. Why was I put on this earth? Why was I created into the society and life that I am in? Is there anyone else like me anywhere else in the world? If there is will I ever meet her? I do know I am straying off topic here a little. My brain tends to wonder in directions it shouldn't.

As I was sitting and staring up at the sky, I wondered why was beyond what we know. We can see the ground, touch it, feel it. We know there is a sky because we can see it. But beyond that, it seems unknown. I'm not talking the scientific facts of the ozone or anything that can be proven by a little science, I am talking the belief that there is life waiting for us. Until this point in my life, I've always had people kind of directing me into what I should/shouldn't believe. It's a hard state to be in.

All I really have gotten from studying the way life works and studying those around me who have grown ill, I have learned that people do die. It is nature. Nature will get to all of us at a pace only we can deal with. It's a hard time for anyone who has to lose a loved one, trust me I'm the one to know. But I wondered that if when you're all the sudden done with life, does it just end for you? What I mean is, when you find the meaning to your own existance, is that the end? And those who have passed on before being born or very young, was there no meaning to their survival? Was it their death that meant more to most than the life they could have lived? I don't exactly understand how people just play it off as "Well, that's how things are supposed to be." and not question why. Even as a Christian in my younger days, I questioned why things happened. I also wondered when the next thing would happen and the truth is, no one ever knows. Which is also why I discovered the belief that when a person discovers why his life is on earth, he will pass away without telling us the secret to his life. The question will remain forever unanswered.

I'm not sure as to what is beyond this life or even if I believe there is some god figure. Some say it's safer to believe than to not but even if you follow by this law of society, you don't truly believe in a god. You are following a bandwagon and if there is a such thing as Hell, you will be going for living your life as a lie. Am I correct? The more I contemplate on this, the more I don't understand such things as religion or believing in something. I do admit, people seem happier if they have that thought there in their mind but I'm just asking if there is an answer to my questions about the whole perspective. Am I missing a huge part of this religion thing? Does beliving in something make it your religion? And if that is your religion, do you have a special name for something that isn't written in books or given a label? If you don't believe in anything do you honestly have any morals or anything to go by that makes you more of a person than anyone else? Could you go out and kill someone with no remorse for what you have done? I know there are laws stating otherwise (and that is a thing to be thankful for, think if there wasn't).

As I end my thought process, I would actually like feedback from anyone who reads this. And your comments may be annoynamous. And you may email them to me instead of posting publicly. What do you believe in and what is your religion? Any thoughts on this blog are more than welcomed by me. I would enjoy reading all of those who post or email me with your private thoughts on the matter.