New Poem: A Poem For the Lonely

A Poem For the Lonely

by Rachael Frye

I don't know why I even try

Every time we talk, I start to cry

Things will never be the same

While my heart screams your name

I'm not sure how to run away

All I know is I've got to get away

I keep trying but the hole burns through

My heart seems to still long for you

I reach my hands out, trying to make you stay

The more I wait for you, the farther you go away

Watching your every footstep

Not knowing why you left

The ringing in my ears is the sound of my heart breaking

Wanting you to turn around so much that it's aching

The stinging pain, the tears running down my face

Losing everything, my soul falling from saving grace

I sing out the song as my mind plays

Knowing I'll get better one of these days

But right now, this lonely is taking me over

Telling me I'll never find another.

Please, just come back for one more day?

Tell me why you refuse to stay?

You told me you loved me, was that a lie?

Are you just leaving me here to slowly die?

This is the feeling of my heart dying

Forget the love, forget the trying

It's done with the hurt, it's done with the pain

It's time to let my love wash away with the rain.

And there it was...

This is just to get something off my mind that's been bothering me lately. I can't exactly call this a better way to do it, but I figured writing it into a blog form would be much more simple than trying to explain to someone. Some would not exactly understand my feelings or hidden tears. Somethings are meant to be, I know. But I don't always agree that the things that are meant to be will end up together; not without a little push and test of fate.

-R

She was gazing into the mirror at the broken heart and soul staring back at her as her friends chattered happily around her. She did not know what to expect or even how to react to this creature that was finding his place slowly into her heart. Being hurt was not easy, having things to fail dramatically all the time, never really experiencing the feeling of love, and most of all, she was still aching from what she thought love had been. Her feelings and heart were guarded, locked in a steel cage. The pain often came back and made a daily routine in her life. Little did she know her life was about to change the moment she walked downstairs and saw him stepping out of his car for the first time.

His graceful movements she found not only to be intriguing but very beautiful, the chemistry seemed to be in balance and flowed from her to him. At that moment, she saw only him. It was almost as if everything she had been through in her entire life did not matter anymore. This wonderful amazing creature standing before her was meant to be her protector, her life, her everything. He was her only want and only need. She longed to feel his touch on her skin and his arms around her holding her until she could no longer breathe. There was no way to describe what she was feeling, no words at all could escape her lips and let that be known. When her hand touched him, she felt the entirety of love, of importance, of being. Not only this, but she felt for the first time in a very long time... she felt happy. It was like her soul was smiling. Then feeling his arms around her, she felt her whole life falling into play, nothing made sense about this but at the same time nothing needed to. She was in awe of the feeling that had overcome her, the feeling of want and desire; but most of all, the feeling of love and power. She knew this would be the only guy that she could give herself to fully and trust with everything. For the first time, her heart and her mind agreed that he was right for her. And there it was... love. Most people take years to create such a love that washes over them and changes their person. But with talking months before meeting, a second to see his beauty, and his arms holding her for only a few hours she fell in love with this creature. She simply worshiped him, loved him unconditionally, cherished his flaws, saw something more than everyone else, and unquestioningly she adored him in every way possible. She knew this could be a once in a life time thing. She never wanted to let it go.

In fact, no one asked if she wanted to let go. But she had to. Forces beyond her control pulled him away, moved him away to the point she wondered if she would ever see him again. A million male human species could never compare with something that great and the feeling would never be replaced. In fact, being away makes the feelings grow stronger. Months of not talking, she finally contacted him and slowly, the feelings returned and ripped at her heart, tearing it piece by piece. It isn't that it hurt her, just the love was intense and strong and she still felt it. She hoped he felt it too, even though nothing could be done about it. The situation was wrong, timing was wrong, and most of all the whole thing was some how wrong. She wished, hoped, and sometimes even prayed that he would come back to her. Lonely nights after lonely nights, she swore she felt him holding her--she knew it was her imagination but she didn't mind. Insanity seems to fall after letting go of someone you truly love and care about. 

To this day, her heart grows bitter and cold. Dust is collecting on her heart. Nothing could ever stop her from loving him. Not his new girl, not the distance, nothing. It is a love she will take it to the grave, and the truth be known she may actually end up dying because of her feelings for him that continues to eat her alive. 

How has she survived without him? Barely. With a lot of lust and fake love in between. Being in someone's comfort only helps for a couple minutes but it's damn well worth the time if only her heart would stop longing for him but most nights, she just lies awake wondering. Insomnia has taken over her life. When she does sleep, she does not dream, that she can remember. All she knows when she goes to sleep at night is that she wants him by her side, no matter at the cost and all she knows when she wakes up is that she wants him still laying by her side so she an kiss him softly and thank the Heavens above that he is with her. She knows this will never be, so she continues driving herself insane with the burning passion. She even whispers into the darkness of night, "I love you" hoping that wherever he is, he will hear it or at least feel it. he sad part is? He still has no idea because she has not told him. She only pretends friendship is enough and that she is happy for him.

Ranting/Venting...

I have too much on my mind that will not even begin to fit in the Facebook box. Sadly, it is a true fact. Hm. Where do I even start? Really? 

[Insert deep sigh...]

Okay, so, I am finally starting to get over some people in my life. Really this time, not just a fake "I'm over it" I mean, I am really going to be okay and I know this now. Because frankly, if they wanted to be in my life they should have made more effort to be there. Since they are not losing sleep over it, why should I? So I know it will hurt for a while, like it has, but it will no longer kill me. I refuse to keep living like I have been and neglecting not only myself but those who actually do want to have some kind of part in my current life. (Why they would, I have no idea.) So that is that. I do not like it one bit but that is how it has to be, I suppose. I cannot continue hurting myself when I know the result will always be the same. There will be no more questioning, "What should I have done?" because I have done everything I could have done and still yet they chose the actions that they did. I just hope they all end up happy in the end. I am letting go. It will be harder to let go of some more than others. "I pray you're flying high when your engine stalls. I pray all your dreams will never come true. Just know wherever you are, honey, I'll pray for you." -- Jaron and the Long Road to Love (Funny song, actually but I am kidding when I sing that about them. I really do wish them luck and hope everything works with flying colors. I will have my day in the spot light just like they are having now.

Next thing is... What is up with everyone getting married at 18-20? I mean really? Do they know that the statistics for a marriage lasting, when getting married that young, is low because over half will end up divorced with children? Or they will end up unhappy and miserable, even feeling trapped all the time by the age of 30? Sigh. People actually need to learn for themselves but you know there is a quote that fits well for this, "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself." (Eleanor Roosevelt, US Diplomat and Reformer, 1884-1962). I have been there when you are happy and in love and nothing else seems to be better than what you have at that moment, but I too realized soon after that maybe this whole "happy" thing is not all it is cracked up to be after several fights and months of hating each other. Of course, it is easy to be happy with someone for only a couple years. But honestly, you are young and have not even had the life experience. Do you honestly think most of the ones getting married now will still want to be with ONLY their wives/husbands twenty years from now? Probably not. They may want their better-half and one or two on the side just to make them feel better about their love life. This is not just some thing from where I am better about life and dating this is actual true stuff here. If you do not believe me, ask someone who has been divorced.

Along with the whole marriage thing, I am starting to wonder if teenagers forgot how to use condoms? And they always name their kids something godawful soon after they get pregnant. It is not a dog. This is a human being and deserves a name of respect. Not just some random letters you have thrown together! It is not a name! It is more like a sign that says, "My mom was young and had no idea what she was doing." Your child has to live with that name! Just because you like some weird ass thing with a bunch of unnecessary letters does not mean your child will. Think about things before you slap a name on a child like it is your new St. Bernard or Husky--which is sad because I know more dogs with human names than babies being born lately.

Speaking of babies and mommies, family next comes to mind. Family. What the fuck is a family? Really? Okay. So I have a bunch of cousins, aunts, and uncles that I would not know if they came up and asked me for a piece of gum. And most of the ones I do know, I would not risk giving it to them because they would try to sell it for something else. All family is... is drama. Drama and chaos. Personally, I do not even claim half of my family. If I talk to them, it is only because I have to. And then they go and tell everyone everything I said without even asking me about it. So by the time word gets around, me saying "I like your shirt" turns into me stealing the shirt off someone and beating the crap out of them to get it. So not only have I managed to make enemies in my family, I also find out I have a stalker in my family whom runs to dad and tells him everything. And me being a young adult, some things dad just does not need to know. I am not a bad kid or anything, I just make mistakes like most human beings and I learn from them. I would rather dad not punish me for lessons learned. Sigh. I guess we all have family drama, right?

So I am coming to an end to my ranting/venting blog...
Still not entirely all that is on my mind, there are several other thousand things that I could have written paragraphs on and I could have made these paragraphs longer. Facebook should have never asked me what was on my mind.

Knitting Project = Complete! And cute!

I have been productive lately. These are pictures of my latest project that finally got completed after weeks of trying, redoing, and cursing. Sadly, I am kind of proud of this because I did the entire pattern on my own. 

I am thankful for my little model too. He was a huge help while taking these pictures.

Excuse the mess on my desk.