Things I want to do before I'm 25

Things I want to do before I'm 25

1) Get a piercing.
The only ones I want are my ears and nose. I have no piercings at all at the moment. I'd love to get one.

2) Get a job.
Even if it's a small job, I still want to get one. Even the Army would work, so hopefully the recruiter says I'm good to go.

3) Move out.
I definitely move out. I'm not sure where I would go or anything, but I want to get my life started. I'm not getting any younger, at all.

4) Write a book.
Even if it doesn't get published, I want to have a book written. I know, I need to start on that one. But I always get sidetracked when I try.

5) Find a guy.
I don't want to be married by 25 (if I am, that would be great) but I just want to find a guy and have that feeling of trust and having someone there all the time to actually be there for me. I want him to actually want to spend his life with me and me the same to him. I know I'm only giving myself a couple years to find him, but you never know what could happen.

6) Do something insane.
I don't know what that may be yet, I'm not in a hurry to find that one out! But I do want to do something insanely stupid and very unexpected. Almost like a near death experience, only not as intense

7) Travel.
I don't care where as long as it's out of the state I'm in. I mean, I have went different places with my sister and brother but I just want to see more of the world. I want to go out west, I want to travel to other countries, I want to experience life.

8) Meet someone new.
I want to meet someone new and exotic. I mean, granted I have an ex who is pretty much fitting in this category that I met last year, but I want to just meet new unique people. Not the every day plain janes.

9) Decide what I want.
I want to be able to know on my 25th birthday what I want to do for at least a few years after. I mean, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. That's why I want #7 (Travel). It would give me an idea of who I want to create myself to be.

10) Play guitar.
I want to learn to play guitar. I've been working on it for five-seven years now but I still can't figure it out. It's not my best talent, I suppose. But I know if I worked more on it, I could do it.


There we have it.
10 things I wanna do before I turn 25.
Lets see if at 25 I can get those accomplished.

Pre-Midlife Crisis: The Big Two-One

So I am sitting here, thinking about my life and wondering where do I go from here. I want so bad to get out of this Hellhole, explore, travel, make something of myself instead of sitting like a knot on a log waiting for something to happen. I feel down all the time, I cannot do anything right lately. It seems like no matter what I do, I always end up back at square one or ten steps before I even get to square one. I, in four days, will be twenty-one. I have no job, I have no car, I have no friends close,  I have no "love" so to speak, I basically have no life. Living to die without any hope, dreams, or even ambitions. As of late, I feel like my life is meaningless and beyond hopeless as in it will never be any different. I know sometimes when people do this, they change their hair style, dye it even, go tanning, go sky diving, or buy a motorcycle. But me? I have just been on the brink of a mental breakdown only to separate myself from everyone and everything that I once enjoyed. What else can I do? The situation I am in completely sucks. And my parents are not much help. At all.

Actually, my parents and I were talking and my dad told me that joining the military would have been the best thing that could have ever happened to me had I done it. Granted, the military is a bit strict on the medical policies I am not sure if I could pass the physical exam. If I could, I definitely would consider going that route. The only thing stopping me before was, well, my dad's approval. I have been thinking about that since I turned eighteen and sometimes it feels like the only thing left for me. I do not have much of anything else going for me and I definitely need to do something with my life before I waste away into nothing. Would a few phone calls hurt? Just to ask some questions about joining and talk it over with the family first before I make any dramatic decisions. Order some information by email and by postal service to make sure I am, in fact, making the right choice. After I decide if it would be a good life for me or not, I can go from there to see what branch I would approve for and what I could do in said branch--if I decide to join. I am a day-by-day type of person. I never think ahead too far. I never get excited about something to come because I always have to wait for the bottom to fall out; usually it doesn't take long to do so. If I join, I know I am stuck for a long time without any way out unless I get injured and discharged but I do not want to do that. It could just be me but getting hurt just does not seem like a good thing to be doing. Other than that, what other options do I have to make something of myself? I mean, moving out is not an option. At least if I was on base, I would have a job, I would be working to make myself better. Not to mention, I would have a better social life and such. I may not be the richest person, I may in fact fail at a lot of things and be in debt more so than anything else but honestly, it seems like the only best option for me. I have tried to move out at least six times now and everything always fails one way or another. So why not? I do plan on calling or at least emailing someone to talk about it and get some information. Find out if my kidney issue will cause me to not be able to at least talk to someone about joining. Other than that, I have really no other medical reasons to be denied. Well, my height/weight may be an issue but with a bit of physical training I should be able to pass with flying colors. /Rant about the military thing.

So other than all of this, I really feel like I have nothing in common with anyone anymore. I mean, I section myself off from everyone and get lost in a book for hours, I never go out with anyone really just when someone needs an errand buddy, and I never actually just chill out with anyone. No one ever really wants to "chill" with me, so I just hang out by myself reading or coloring. Not a life I would have dreamed of when I was a kid. By 21, I wanted to be in college and almost having my degree finished. I wanted to have a good guy in my life. I wanted to actually be somebody and not just another face in the crowd. I wanted to have friends that would actually want to be around me and I wanted my family closer. And I wanted to be happy, healthy, and hopeful. But I have none of that. I have no way to achieve any of that. I feel like I have absolutely nothing left. I want to change this, I want to be better. I want people to look at me and see someone of success. I want to be a good role model. But I guess what I want and what I get is two different things. 

Sigh. So in four days, I turn twenty-one. Next year, lets see if I can make a blog that sounds a little better than this. Hopefully I will be so busy in life I will forget I even have a blog. Long deep sigh.

Deepest Rivers of My Mind, Soul, and Heart

Warning: This blog actually takes you into the deepest rivers of my mind, my soul, and my heart. If you're not ready to wade the waters to see or even try to understand me, click the little red [x] in the corner. If you're only here to judge, at least read and analyze before you judge me. 

Thanks.

-R

---

The song that best describes how I feel right now is "Finding Myself" by Smile Empty Soul.

"I don't care anymore if I let you down, I believe that I need to be free. I'm so used to my life with you around, I don't know anymore the real me. I thought that I found myself today. I thought that I had control. All the change in my life just fell away, for a moment I didn't need you." -- Smile Empty Soul

I feel lost, again. Only this time it's more of a soul-searching lost not just blank and cloudy. I feel like everything I have worked for has just fell and burned away and I'm still trying to pick up the ashes hoping that things will start to fall back into place; even though everything is so badly ruined you can't even tell what the ashes are supposed to be.

My heart is completely torn. I think I know exactly /who/ I want and then it just seems I have this flip and something happens that upsets me. It leaves me completely and entirely devastated beyond all reason until the point that I am forced to text the only one who I know will be able to make me feel better--no matter how much he has hurt me, he always knows what to do and what to say to make me somehow smile deep down. Not a lot of people accept me as is, not a lot of people understand me to my core or know why I do things that I do. I know it doesn't help that I don't open up enough but honestly, there's a reason why I do that too. It seems no matter what I do here lately, I'm going to end up more beaten and battered in the emotional area than I was before. Once a dog is beaten so many times it starts to just not even like people. Make sense? I think so because it's starting to happen. One minute everything is fine with people and then the next, it's like I can't do anything right. I say people but I actually mean just one person. (Not naming anyone, of course. If the shoe fits, wear it.)

"All these tears that I've cried, you must be tired of taking care of me but it is what you do best and I'm a liar because really it's what I need." -- Smile Empty Soul

I am just entirely lost at the moment. I don't know who I am, what I am, where I'm supposed to be, or even who I'm supposed to have by my side. I mean, it'd be easier if people would also open up a tad more to let me in but I guess I just have to wait and see what happens. I feel like giving up and just saying "Screw this" but walking away with a smile on my face just because I know it would piss people off. I feel bad for the things I've done but I realize I'm not going to be able to make them right without a little help, which I am not getting. 

I can't talk about how I feel with anyone because I know no matter how I go about it, it's going to make me feel and seem like a bad person just because of all the thoughts rolling through my mind. I can't even calculate how many times they spin, toss, turn, and tumble. It's getting to the point that I'm confused about daily life. I mean, normally I could still focus and continue on with my life like nothing was happening while battling the war in my mind but it's actually taking it's last toll on me and making me so tired. I can't even think straight anymore. I'm losing basic functions, it's surprising I can even remember my name right now. I'm trying to fit every little puzzle piece back into it's correct place but it's just a puzzle I'm not sure I'll ever get back together. Granted, I've always been a little absent minded but this is getting ridiculous. The thoughts become horrible, filled with anger and so much pain. I try to pretend that I'm not hurting but I think it's starting to show through in ways I'm unable to stop. Friends just tell me to hang in there and that I'll be fine but they don't even know that much. They don't know that I'll ever be okay again. They just don't know. Just like I don't know that I won't be. It's a blind spot for me and I can't see past it. 

I'm so angry at life in general. When I'm not crying, I'm in a complete slit throat anti-social mood. Every time someone writes or emails me, I feel like screaming "Go away." Thankfully, I've actually only said it aloud once so far; and to my defense, he was a moron that didn't get the whole "I'm pissed, leave me alone" vibe. I don't even know why I'm angry, I don't even know if I have a reason. I guess just years of being treated like shit, being put down, and all the stress and annoyance I have to deal with every day is just finally starting to break every particle of me down until I feel like I'm about to snap. And when I snap, I can almost guarantee that it won't be pretty at all. The few anger spells I've had lately is nothing compared to what damage I could do. In words of Pink, "I can be so mean when I wanna be. I am capable of really anything. I can cut you into pieces when my heart is broken." and sadly it's true. Everyone thinks I'm on this big mental break down but this isn't even the worst that it could be. I'm still able to control and hold back. When I explode, I can bet there will be a volcano. I'm just so tired of everything. And I'm tired of being afraid to talk to anyone because I know they'll get pissed if I actually tell them how I feel about them. I just want to be able to get it all out there and say it is what it is. 

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Sulking...

I feel so hollow. So empty. Like I have absolutely ruined everything I have tried to work for in the last year. Friendship ruined. Two of them. Relationship ruined that hadn't even started. I feel sick to my stomach. I am so angry at myself. I am angry at my anger which is beyond frustrating. I do not know how to begin working to fix this. I do not know if it is mendable. I suddenly feel lost. I feel rejected; which honestly I cannot blame them. Most of all, I wonder why people like me--people who live in anger and depression--even live when they cannot function like normal human beings. Some things I will never in my life begin to understand.

And yes, this is my form of sulking. Better than listening to Conway Twitty and eating bacon by the shit-ton. But I will still do that later tonight.

Figuring out why I'm alone

I've been thinking a lot lately, and well my thought process came from a song:

"I don't go to church enough, I curse out loud, I drink too much, I'm more of a sinner than a saint. I got a dusty Bible on my shelf I just pick up when I need help. Lord knows there's a lot I need to change..." -- Jason Aldean, Don't Give Up On Me

I start to look back on the girls guys have dated and I realize I am nothing at all like them and it makes me wonder if I'm even good enough for anyone at all. It seems like the guys I find myself interested in have this high bar for women that I know I'd never be able to live up to, no matter how much I try. I feel like I have completely failed at life, even though I'm only 20--well, in 19 days I'll be 21--and I have no idea how to even go about fixing it. A guy that I've found myself interested in now makes me want to change everything. It's just hard when I can't even see if the pasture on the other side would be greener. I know I need to change things, oh how I know that. I'm just not even sure if I'm entirely ready to flip my life around and live it differently. I've been trying to slowly take steps to change things but I somehow always go back. I just want someone to accept me for who/what I am.

Who/what am I? I'm just a country girl with a gypsy soul. I can't make up my mind, my socks never match, I'd rather run bare feet on a rocky dirt road than strut around in high heels, and I love rolling up my pants to run through a creek chasing my pet duck in the summer. I'd rather a guy pick me up, take me to a drive through window to get some food, then park in the woods to eat while sitting on a tailgate of his truck watching the night; I don't want to have to worry about what fork to eat with, I'd rather pick my tomatoes off a sandwich and feed them to the birds. I'd rather a guy bring me redneck roses (wild flowers picked by hand beside the road) than actual long stem roses. Sorry, I'd pick my boots over anything else. Almost all my jeans have holes, I do wear flannel shirts, and I like a guy with a skoal ring and cowboy boots. The sound of a banjo and an acoustic guitar comfort me. I curse like a sailor and drink my beer from a can. I'd rather be in the hill going through mud holes on an ATV than in the mall shopping. I hunt, I hike, I roam in the hills, I enjoy being out there. I don't wanna change. People seem to want to change me or want to make me "better" by changing something.

It's hard for me enough being in the position I'm in. I mean, I'm losing friends it seems every day, I only have two friends out of the whole crew that will actually come visit me, I feel like I'm unpleasant to be around, and I start to wonder if that's why I just can't make anything work out with anyone. Am I not even good enough for friends? I mean is that why they won't come around? I know I have nothing much in common anymore with friends and they'd rather talk to someone who can relate, but I'm still here too. Sorry that I'm not in college and don't have a job so I don't know what you're going through... and sorry that you guys ditched me and drove me into depression so I can't even hold conversation... Sigh. I just seriously wish some people like that would open up their eyes and see that I try and apparently I fail. I just never seen myself as a college type even though I read all the time. Working? Well, we'll go on that subject for a different day. I just wish people would stop leaving me out. A few friends still talk about work to me and make it fun even if I can't relate.

With all that being said, I just really realize that maybe I'm not even good enough to be a friend to anyone really. Since I have no one to relate to and all everyone does is put me down or make me feel worse about everything. Sigh. I guess stuff just happens sometimes.