So I am sitting here, thinking about my life and wondering where do I go from here. I want so bad to get out of this Hellhole, explore, travel, make something of myself instead of sitting like a knot on a log waiting for something to happen. I feel down all the time, I cannot do anything right lately. It seems like no matter what I do, I always end up back at square one or ten steps before I even get to square one. I, in four days, will be twenty-one. I have no job, I have no car, I have no friends close, I have no "love" so to speak, I basically have no life. Living to die without any hope, dreams, or even ambitions. As of late, I feel like my life is meaningless and beyond hopeless as in it will never be any different. I know sometimes when people do this, they change their hair style, dye it even, go tanning, go sky diving, or buy a motorcycle. But me? I have just been on the brink of a mental breakdown only to separate myself from everyone and everything that I once enjoyed. What else can I do? The situation I am in completely sucks. And my parents are not much help. At all.
Actually, my parents and I were talking and my dad told me that joining the military would have been the best thing that could have ever happened to me had I done it. Granted, the military is a bit strict on the medical policies I am not sure if I could pass the physical exam. If I could, I definitely would consider going that route. The only thing stopping me before was, well, my dad's approval. I have been thinking about that since I turned eighteen and sometimes it feels like the only thing left for me. I do not have much of anything else going for me and I definitely need to do something with my life before I waste away into nothing. Would a few phone calls hurt? Just to ask some questions about joining and talk it over with the family first before I make any dramatic decisions. Order some information by email and by postal service to make sure I am, in fact, making the right choice. After I decide if it would be a good life for me or not, I can go from there to see what branch I would approve for and what I could do in said branch--if I decide to join. I am a day-by-day type of person. I never think ahead too far. I never get excited about something to come because I always have to wait for the bottom to fall out; usually it doesn't take long to do so. If I join, I know I am stuck for a long time without any way out unless I get injured and discharged but I do not want to do that. It could just be me but getting hurt just does not seem like a good thing to be doing. Other than that, what other options do I have to make something of myself? I mean, moving out is not an option. At least if I was on base, I would have a job, I would be working to make myself better. Not to mention, I would have a better social life and such. I may not be the richest person, I may in fact fail at a lot of things and be in debt more so than anything else but honestly, it seems like the only best option for me. I have tried to move out at least six times now and everything always fails one way or another. So why not? I do plan on calling or at least emailing someone to talk about it and get some information. Find out if my kidney issue will cause me to not be able to at least talk to someone about joining. Other than that, I have really no other medical reasons to be denied. Well, my height/weight may be an issue but with a bit of physical training I should be able to pass with flying colors. /Rant about the military thing.
So other than all of this, I really feel like I have nothing in common with anyone anymore. I mean, I section myself off from everyone and get lost in a book for hours, I never go out with anyone really just when someone needs an errand buddy, and I never actually just chill out with anyone. No one ever really wants to "chill" with me, so I just hang out by myself reading or coloring. Not a life I would have dreamed of when I was a kid. By 21, I wanted to be in college and almost having my degree finished. I wanted to have a good guy in my life. I wanted to actually be somebody and not just another face in the crowd. I wanted to have friends that would actually want to be around me and I wanted my family closer. And I wanted to be happy, healthy, and hopeful. But I have none of that. I have no way to achieve any of that. I feel like I have absolutely nothing left. I want to change this, I want to be better. I want people to look at me and see someone of success. I want to be a good role model. But I guess what I want and what I get is two different things.
Sigh. So in four days, I turn twenty-one. Next year, lets see if I can make a blog that sounds a little better than this. Hopefully I will be so busy in life I will forget I even have a blog. Long deep sigh.
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