Break up

The first blog I have posted about the break up. I mourned my grief of a lost love and said good-bye to that love. I am in the process of moving on. I have gotten more stuff done than I ever had in Morgantown. I have a brand new job--not much but it'll help me get the bills paid--I can now drive, and I have friends to hang out with if I'd want. My life is pretty amazing right now. I'm enjoying it at the best of my ability to do so.

But then you have those long nights where all I do is sit and think of him, find myself looking through photos of us, and letting that one little tear fall from missing him so much. And, days like this hurt the most for me. I never know what to do to stay busy and keep my mind off of it. I mean, it would be so easy to curl up and cry because of what's happened but I'm afraid if I do that I will end up back at square one. It's not as easy for me as I let on like. I'm only trying to keep the positive up and the negative down. My friends seem to think that's not healthy but then they all get upset when I sit crying over it. I just can't find the happy medium here.

All I can do is try to move on, try to be strong, and keep on with my life. I breathe in, and breathe out. That's all I can do. It still hurts though. Not going to lie.

roommates... Sigh.

So, as most know I am living in a new college area-no, I am not going to college-and you would think that roommated would be easy to find. No. No they are not. This currejt guy seriously has an issue with us that I may never for the life of me understand. I mean, I know we are nor the besy roomates but still, it is common respect to try to get along. This guy wont even try. And not to mention, there is apparently issues with the poor precious stove in the kitchen. Why would I even bother with that while there is literal shit on and all over the bathroom? When asked about it, keep this in mind, he tried to blame it all on us. Not to mention also that he apparently hates us to the point of only talking to us when he thinks he has good reason to bitch. I dont know what this idiots deal ia but I can promise you that I am not one to put up with it. /end of rant.

Knitting Pattern -- To Be Updated?

This is just a storage thing for me seeing of how I don't have my personal computer and I share this one with my boyfriend. Anyway... This is me making a pot holder, just a basic one. I'm making it double sided, seeing of how I get burnt a lot.


FRONT SIDE

C/O 42 sts, with white yarn

1. c/o row - White
2. Knit row - White
3. *K2 white, K6 purple, K2 white, K6 green, (*repeat until 2sts left), K2 white
4. *P2 white, P6 purple, P2 white, P6 green, (*repeat until 2 sts left), P2 white
5. Repeat row 3
6. Repeat row 4
7. Repeat row 3 & 4
8. Knit row - White
9. Purple row - White
10. *K2 white, K6 green, K2 white, K6 purple, (*repeat until 2 sts left), K2 white
11. *P2 white, P6 green, P2 white, P6 purple, (*repeat until 2 sts left), P2 white
12. Repeat row 10
13. Repeat row 11
14. Repeat row 10
15. Repeat row 8
16. Repeat row 9
Repeat rows 3-16 until desired length

BACK SIDE

C/O 42 sts

1. c/o row white
2. Knit row white
3. Purl row white
Repeat 2-3 until the same length as side one.

[If wanting to make stripes on the back of the squares
1. Knit row white
2. Purl row white
3. Knit purple
4. Purl purple
5. Knit green
6. Purl green
Start over at 1 until same length as side one]

Update. Meh.

For some odd reason my grandmother has been on my mind lately--the odd part being, she passed away about six years ago. I don't know. Just sometimes is harder than others to go through the day without knowing she's there when I need her (well, you know what I mean). I guess I know she watches out for me and all that jazz and like when I'm at my worst or trying to make the biggest life decisions, I know she's trying to give me all the advice that she can even though she isn't here. Maybe I just miss home? I don't know.

But anyway. Morgantown is okay now that we live in a decent place and all that jazz. I still don't like this roommate but the good news is, we're only going to be here until August. The bad news is, we're only going to be here until August. The boyfriend is wanting to go to Seattle and that's a little too far for me but it's one of those things I refuse to talk about because I don't want us fighting about it when it could be resolved easily. At least he's trying to help me to go home for the weekend this week. I know home won't be the same as when I left but I do know my mom and dad are wanting to see me. So I guess that's the good news on that part. I guess the bad news is, they still don't know about Jared but hopefully they'll be understanding when I tell them what's going on there, or at least try to find a way to tell them without telling them. Let them put two and two together and add up to four after I go back up here. Anyway, back to the point of the matter. I don't want to go to Seattle because, like Morgantown, I don't know anyone and I don't make friends easy. It's just not something I do but when I do make a friend, I keep them for as long as possible no matter what bullshit happens... unless they do something that just makes me so irate that I don't care if they live or die. I know a few people who are on that list that I once would have done anything for. But anyway, we'd be living with his family. So I mean, it's not like I wouldn't have anyone; but at the same time his family is not my family and not the area I'm used to. I adapt easily, I put up with bullshit easily, and I deal with things easily. So I wouldn't have too many issues. I just dont' want to do it. But then again, I didn't want to go here either when I first moved out. So maybe I am overreacting? Whatever. Just I don't want to do it.

Besides this whole trying to decide what's the best thing for us to do, I found out that my dad may not make it much longer and that just destroys me. My dad is still my life. If I could, I'd be there for him still. But I just couldn't do that life anymore. I still call them weekly, sometimes two-four times a week. They seem happy to hear from me every time. Dad's getting to be okay with my life decision but I know they're both struggling. Although, they don't seem to be. They do stuff together that they had never really done together before. So me moving out made my parents grow closer together. So that was a total win on that part but I won't lie. If something happens to dad and I can't get there for him, I'm going to be devastated. I want to be there no matter what. The boyfriend said we could keep money for "emergency only" and that being if I had to go home in a hurry and I could take the fastest flight there but still where he wants to move is literally on the other side of the country. Not just saying that. It really is. I don't know. I just fear I can't be there for dad and mom like they need me to be and that's not who I am. I AM there for my family when needed. I can't not be there. That's just not right. I don't feel right about that.

But all that being said, all the bad news laid out. I don't have much else on my mind at the moment. I just needed a moment to lay that out and hopefully figure something out now that I had a chance to get my thoughts together.

People

I haven't blogged in a while. You know me and when I cannot write; it's like a bird with a broken wing. Anyway, nothing has really been happening lately. Job at the hotel fell through and I quit simply because of moral reasons (and my boss was a major asshole.) I got a new job working fast food and I pretty much love it. I enjoy the people I work with and the work place, can't get really any better than that. So shit is going pretty well for me lately. I'm proud to say I am happy. For the first time in a long time.


The inner thoughts of Rai:I am realizing that no one has any idea at all of what they are going to do in their lives. Most people, I have found are living to die and the ones that aren't living to die are searching for a purpose to be here. Many individuals are settling for the least they may accomplish just for the simple fact they could die tomorrow and nothing would matter about the situation. I have not seen much of the world since I have been out on my own but I have seen all types of people and watched them closely. No one person, even the same type, will act the same in the same situation. It's kind of like a snowflake, honestly. Even if you did find two of the same shape, they will fall differently.
With all this being said, I am growing into the body that was given to me. I am learning more about myself as I watch others and observe them. I am learning to do things on my own and for myself while also benefitting them as well. I am learning to be a respectful but yet despiteful human being as needed. I am figuring out all the things that I am supposed to be and supposed to know. And no, I am not saying I have my entire character panned out for this life--even the best novels slowly work in character detail. I just feel a little better knowing my true colors are attempting to shine through.

Not much on my mind today, what is on my mind I wouldn't post into a blog online. So lets call this blog quits, try to find some coffee and a cigarette.

Morgantown... Dun dun dun...

So, I finally have a chance to update my blog. Wow. It's been forever, forever is too long.  Everything is going, well, it's going. Things are moving way too quickly for my tastes but that seems to be the way things work when you're on you're own. I wouldn't say I was ready for this move but I suppose the best things come when you're not thinking clearly. Sigh. So I'm sitting here while Jared is asleep, I thought it would be a perfect time to update this and go on a bitch fit about how terrible things are. When I realize, I'm laying beside the love of my life, I have a decent job (well, not really because for what we do the pay sucks but it's a job, nevertheless), I have somewhere to stay until the 15th of May and I have a little time to find a place before then. Hopefully. So I guess things aren't as bad as I make them seem sometimes.  I'm having a little trouble adjusting to the roommate still and Jared as well. I'm also having issues with making friends and all that jazz. The common thing for someone like me. Some days, I just want to stay by myself and not deal with anyone. But the thing being, I have to communicate with people because I need to make friends. Or at least try. I'm tired of not having anyone here and no one to talk to. The only phone I have right now is Jared's cell and I'm waiting for the opportunity to get mine turned on; so until then, I can barely talk to my friends. I try to text them once in a while and everything but that doesn't always happen. Hardly anyone calls me, most don't know the number but the ones that do don't have an excuse but it's all okay. I've only been here a month so I can't expect things to just automatically start working out. Besides, my main concern right now is rent and my health... people can go fuck themselves right now for all I care. Just to be honest. [Insert smiley face.] But that's that. Yep. Not much of an update but it's still an update.

Good-bye blog...

Tomorrow, I will be finishing my packing up and then I will hit the road. Possibly to not return here for a long time, if ever. Seeing of how I don't drive yet, the whole visiting thing is something that won't happen until I have a car of my own. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this yet. I don't know if I should be very sad or very excited. I feel like this thing has been rushed way too quickly and now it's like quicksand. No way out, no way to say "Stop" and the more I struggle, the harder it is to move.

 

My room being packed up...
It looks so much better now than it did then, but it was still harsh.

I honestly have no idea what I'm even doing. I mean, I feel like I'm lost and just on autopilot to get this done. I still try to tell myself that the person coming to get me won't show up or will get lost and frustrated and just forget about me then go on alone. I have exactly $16 to my name and I'm leaving home on that. I'm overwhelmed. I'm stressed. I feel like the world may cave in at any given moment. I don't know what to do, really. I have the urge to tell them to stop this non-sense because I'm staying home. But there is too much riding on this. Seeing of how my father and I never get along, everyone seems to think this is the best route to go. So. That's what I'm doing.

I won't have my blog anymore or my personal computer to keep a journal on disk so I'm actually switching to pen and paper (not so happy about that.) Hopefully, I will have my boyfriend's laptop at least once a week to update everyone and let them know I'm alive until I can get my own laptop and be on whenever I feel the need. It's going to be hard going without my computer because my computer is my basic life. It gives me directions, lets me order things, keep in touch with people, ignore people when need be, get caught up on the daily lives of friends, and interact with people that live too far away. Now? I won't have that. I won't have any source of communication until I get a cellphone and my own laptop which may not be for a long time. We have to get ourselves moved in and okay before I even think about blowing money like that. Sigh. I'm just so frustrated. Everyone is sad because I won't have any way to talk to them but that's life, I guess. I just found out that one of my best friends is pregnant and now I won't even be updated on her progress with it. Oh well, I guess. I hate leaving my family and friends behind. I really truly do.

This is the second hardest thing I've ever done. First was saying good-bye to my uncle and grandmother when they passed on but that's always hard on someone. Moving? It shouldn't be that hard. I'm treated like crap here and most days, they seem to want to get rid of me. I start to question myself of why I even stayed this long; then I realized up until lately I didn't have any other option. So lets hope my friends were right in saying this is the best for me. Not to mention, I am leaving my cats behind. I am a cat person. I love my cats. I hate leaving them and not knowing if dad and mom will take care of them. I found one a new good home if she'd come get him but it's Petey and Sissy that I worry about. Dad's taken up with Tater pretty well so that may not be an issue. But I worry about my two babies that I always wanted to take with me. Sigh. And if things with the boyfriend work out, I won't even be able to have a cat again because he hates them. Cats are my second life. They make me feel better when they curl up on me and start purring or rub against my leg as I'm getting them food. They make me laugh when they're attacking objects randomly. Is it wrong to be so sad that I'm leaving something that I love? My home, my family, my animals, my friends... it's excruciating. I have cried every night this week. I don't know how much more I can cry without tipping over into borderline insanity.

A part of me just doesn't want to do this at all... 

Sigh.

"We can only hope that no good-bye is forever..."

New Web Note

So I'm realizing that it is a wasted time when you fight with someone you love; the time you spend yelling at them is the time when you could be trying to love on them.

I love this guy with everything I am and can be. I could never imagine my life without him. Truth being? I think it is becoming mutual. I am trying so hard not to throw it away but my past prevents it. I get so angry for no reason. I throw a major hissy fit for no reason. I get depressed beyond everything for no reason. I need to change before I lose him like I have everyone else.

With that being said, I am completely and entirely exhausted this morning but my soul feels a little more healed. I figured out why I have so much anger lingering in it and I realize now that I just need to let go of it and say "Screw you, anger. Let me be happy." I realize it is more so dangerous than not to keep it inside me like it is some sacred artifact. So lets hope I can start doing that and just kind of slowly getting myself back to normal--or what I believe normal to be.

On another note in Rai news, I started writing a story a few weeks ago. Of course, I already quit on it for a while until I get some new ideas for it. I know, I could go back and add detail but you should rush an artist at work. This story was actually inspired, so to speak, by a Cannibal Corpse song. Yeah. Kind of scary, I admit. But I do not question my creative motives. As long as they stay in an artistic way and not come to life, I think we will be okay. So while I am trying to write this, I am actually going to work on putting some of my major works of poetry on my new author site. Of course, I have to make a new author site first. Which could be all talk more so than actually doing it. I have been doing a lot of planning lately but not acting. I need to start acting upon things. If not, before I know it my life is going to turn into nothing at all.

"I don't want to spend my life jaded, waited, to wake up one day and find that a lot of these years have gone by wasted. I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing, the still of the morning, the color of the night. I ain't spending no more time wasted." -- Carrie Underwood

I am going to start trying to be better; not only for myself but for everyone around me. I mean better in general. Let go of some of this hate for others, work on the hate I have for myself, and then see where it takes me. It is a slow process but I have someone willing to help me every step of the way. I do not want any repeats of my past. I do not want to lose this one because of my stupidity and my pride. It is time I stop and ask for help with the things I realize I just cannot do on my own.

This just all takes time--it is a slow healing process.

"Lord knows there's a lot I need to change. And I want to. You make me want to. You tie the knot when I'm at the end of my rope, you never stop beliving in me when I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to be. I don't give ya no good reason but baby don't give up on me. I've smoked my last cigarette at least a hundred times I bet. I guess I'll just keep quitin' til it sticks. But for all things I've failed to do, I've never failed at loving you..." -- Jason Aldean





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Moving on...

I haven't blogged in a while simply because I'm just lazy but I do have a lot going on right now.

My friend has been in ICU for a week now and it's not good at all. I miss her already. I haven't been able to go see her and I know that seriously makes me look like a bad person to everyone because they're probably thinking, "Well, she claims to care so much but yet she won't come see her?" but in all honesty it's hard to do so when I can't drive and when I have a sick father at home too. I do feel terrible that I can't visit with her and her family in their time of need but I hope they will all understand. I do care. She's actually the only one I talk to at night so now I'm just like "Hey, my night just isn't the same anymore..." I guess it all happens, right?

Other than having a sick father and that, I can honestly say I finally feel like things are coming into place for me. I mean, there is still chaos but that's life, yanno? It happens, I guess. Sigh. I'm just finally starting to be happy. I finally have a reason to get out of bed in the mornings. It's a very nice change that I'm starting to get used to.

I finally got my classring back and gave my ex-boyfriend his back and I finally got some closure with another ex-boyfriend of mine. I won't say I don't miss the one I just tossed away because he was a really good friend and was always there for me or tried to be--I tend to get a little out of hand--and I'm going to miss that. But what's done is done and it had to be done. I couldn't find a way to keep living like nothing ever happened with a huge cloud of guilt hanging over my head. It doomed me. I felt like I was a horrible person for keeping him in my life. Granted, he is happy now and he's doing well so I guess it all worked out good for him anyway. Now I'm alone again but it's for the right reason. I'm not just using someone to have a place holder while waiting for my prince charming to realize "Hey, she's not going to be around forever." So at least I'm finding the things I need to try to seal up some holes in my soul and move on with my life.

"Yeah, there's a hole in my soul but one thing I've learned, for every love letter written there's another one burned. So you tell me how it's gonna be this time. Is it over? Is it over? 'Cause I'm blowing out the flame..." -- Aerosmith, Hole In My SoulAnd so now I'm just doing what I need to do in order to survive until I find out how to move on and take the next step toward a new life--whatever life that may be. I feel anxious to see what will happen but scared of the future I'm trying to make. It's sad to leave one life behind, but honestly it's just not a life for me anymore.

So here I am. I'm standing in front of a guy and the only thing I can do is ask him to love me.

---

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My Soul

The guilt hangs over my head like a dark storm cloud, the years of hurt and pain channel itself into tears falling slowly down my cheeks, I bow to my knees asking for forgiveness--knowing that some things we just cannot be forgiven for. I struggle through the darkness, not a light do I see anywhere. My hands run along the jagged walls of rock and stone. I feel like a mime trapped in a small box only this isn't so easy as to draw a door and step out into the light. My hands start to shake, my body starts to tremble, my anger grows fierce making my fists lash out at the walls. The walls cut, bruise, and stain my hands. All the time I have spent wasted just trying to thrive on hurting something to survive; now here I am, lost and alone. No where to go, no one to turn to. I walk slowly, kicking at the thin air to make sure there is not some hidden object in this chamber. Finally, I open my eyes and realize I was only hidden inside my soul. My soul so dark. It can never be forgiven, for it is too far gone. All that is left is my own guilt, my own pain, and the very reason I am alone.

Valentine's Day? No thank you.

I am realizing how bad Valentine's day actually upsets me. In the past, I have hated it just because something bad always happened on or around the time--kind of like my birthday, honestly--but this year, tables have turned and let us just say that I see how hard it is for people who are alone and have their heart set on that one person and they cannot seem to change how they feel. I also see why most single and lonely people drink.

I feel like I am going around in circles trying to get this guy to see the truth behind the words I say. I throw myself out there all the time but when I do, I always land face first in to a pile of dirt and get no where. So I stand up, dust myself off, take a second to analyze the situation, then do it again. You would think I would learn from the first couple times of doing it that it does not help anything and only leaves me hurt with more than a few scratches and scrapes; but I keep doing it.

I am at a loss of what else I can do. I am trying, almost a little too hard, to prove myself and it seems worthless and very useless. I start to question if I am good enough. I know nothing is ever as easy as, "Ok. So I like you. You like me. Lets do this." but it should not have to be this complicated either. It gets a little harder every day and it makes me fight until I lose all strength, become weak, and honestly cannot even stand on my own two feet. Am I really not trying and fighting hard enough? I start to wonder if I am just not good enough or if I am doing something wrong or if I am just not doing something that I should be doing. I just, I just do not understand this... at all.

"I am everything you want / I am everything you need / I am everything inside of you / That you wish you could be / I say all the right things / At exactly that right time / But I mean nothing to you / And I don't know why." -- Vertical Horizon

I realize that I am being selfish by wanting what I want and wanting it when I want it, but I have been in this same position for a year and every time I get left in the cold. I feel like I am a mime, screaming silently in the the box, and no matter what I do, I cannot break it open and even if I could he could not hear me screaming. I am helpless, hopeless, and losing faith in what I know what should be. It is my choice to be alone but I want to be alone for the right reason instead of with someone for the wrong reason. I want and need this guy. I do not want to go without him.

I most definitely am not confused or angry, I just start to wonder what I have done to piss fate off and make it not believe I deserve this guy. 

*Sigh.*

New Poem: The Teddy Bear

When I got the teddy bear

The sight made me cry

It was a best friend

With only one eye;

Some stitches were missing

Seams falling apart

I knew it would be hurting

If it had a heart.

It looked so alone

With its stuffing all worn

Its coat was a mess

So tattered, so torn;

This poor little guy

Who was now my friend

So I went to work

For days on end.

I gave hime a new smile

I fixed his broken hems

And now his new eyes

Shined like tiny gems.

I knitted him a shirt

Various colors to show

Inside was a bear

That was fit to glow.

I cleaned up his fur

The very best I could

I gave him a hug

He'd thank me if he would.

Once so broken,

Falling apart without love

Is still not perfect

But the best I could dream of.

Everything once broken

Can be fixed if you care,

Anything shattered

Can also be repaired.

That was a weird dream...

I hardly ever have dreams that I remember but last night, I had a dream I was walking down an old dirt road with just a backpack on my back with a few food items, some water, and some clothing. It was late spring, summer, or early fall. I was walking by different types of housing and some elderly people were on the porches or peering out the windows. Actually one even opened the door and asked where I was going because her dog had taken a liking to the smell of food in my bag. I turned around, returned her dog, kept going but when I looked down beside me the dog was still there about two miles later. I just kept walking. I don't know where I was going or even why. But with every step, it felt like I was getting freed from something. But then toward the end of the dream, my legs grew weak and I grew so tired. Then thought about the money and food I had left... I only had $40 and only a few items of food that wouldn't ruin and only a few bottles of water. But yet, I never turned around. I just kept going forwards not even stopping.




I'm picking out certain parts and items of the dream that I remember to analyze it and research.



What I have found so far:

-Runaway
"To dream that you are a runaway indicates that you are dealing with issues of belonging and acceptance."

-Walking
"To dream that you are walking with ease represents the way you are moving through life and progress toward your goals. Consider your destination. To dream that you are have difficulties walking indicates that you are reluctant and hesitant in proceeding forward in some situation. You may also be trying to distance yourself from certain life experiences. The difficulty in walking is a reflection of your current situation and the obstacles that you are experiencing."

-Path
"To walk through a quiet, open path, signifies clarity of thought and peace of mind."

-Puppy
"Puppies may represent playfulness, dependence, and carefree fun."

-Tree
From what I could tell, by research, most trees mean something about spirituality, purity, and achievement. Besides a few. Most trees represent that dreamer. Seeing of how it was just one single tree beside the road, I could see how that would be possible. Granted, I'm not a tree expert so I couldn't tell you what type of tree it was.

-The Elderly Woman
"To see a hag in your dream may represent the Wise Old Woman figure and refers to nurturance. Negatively, to see a hag in your dream signifies the devouring mother.

-Old People
"To see an elderly person in your dream represents wisdom or spiritual power. Pay attention to the message or advise that they are conveying you. They help provide life answers and solutions to your problems an try to guide you toward the right direction."

-Fence
"To see a fence in your dream, signifies an obstacle or barrier that may be standing on your path. You may feel confined and restricted in expressing yourself. Are you feeling fenced in? Alternatively, it may symbolize a need for privacy. You may want to shut off the rest of the world."



So, what I'm getting from those meanings from a site, I am looking for some acceptance, I'm trying to move on in life but I'm also having difficulties to do so, it would bring a peace of mind if I did. I would finally be dependent. Still not sure about the tree. Apparently I long for nurturance from a "devoured mother." And since no one was giving me guidance in the dream, I suppose I was probably on the right path of trying to move on. And I have an obstacle in my way of going forth in life. 

Sigh.

And for the record, I didn't mean to steal the old woman's puppy, it just followed me.

What's on my mind? Too much.

I realize the only time I really blog about any feelings or anything is when I have so much on my mind and I have no one to turn to or I just do not want to talk to anyone about it. It just seems easier for me to type everything out and then let who ever is curious read it or not. I could care less either way.Hardly anyone ever reads it, right? Right. Anyway.

There is actually a lot on my mind right now, so lets start with one and then see where we end up, shall we?


1) Religion, Spiritual Guidance, and Filling the Void

So here I am just kind of sitting here and thinking about everything, not just life and but death as well.I guess you could say I have lost my spiritual guidance and I am searching for that light over head that says, "Have faith." I could not tell you when I lost that light but it just disappeared. Like one day I was happy with my religious stance and then it was suddenly like someone switched that light off and left me in the dark. Could be just a rut that I am in or something to that extent but I feel like right now, I am just living to die without any reason, explanation, or cause as to where I am in life or even who/what I am. I feel like something has taken over me, directing me into a different path each day. I believe there is something there but I could not place a name or tell one what it may be. Still, I try to get people to believe in something--even if that may be reaching a level of Nirvana. So here I am on this mystical journey trying to find something that I can personally believe in without any question of why it was "created" or why it "exists." Christianity just is not cutting it for me anymore. I question too much of what goes on with it. Plus the whole good book thing kind of just no longer fits to life.


2) Love, Dating, The Whole Sha-bang.
Okay. I am lost on how to start these thoughts to flow into a paragraph or two enough to make sense. I regret things I have done in my dating life. I regret not giving guys chances when I probably should have but just walking away and laughing in their face because of it. Only recently, I found out what that is like. After all was said and done with my, I guess one could say, gaming. I found an amazing person. This still pains me every day. I know I was reckless, I know I have did things that makes me undeserving of him, and I know I was also careless with someone else during this time. Long story short, my heart gets a case of ADD when I get impatient. Here I am back at square one begging this guy to let me be his everything. Just to get that chance I never felt I got before, to try to make this happen, to be there for him and love him like I know no one else ever could. I know I need to just wait things out sometimes but there are also times when a person has to take action or they will miss out. Love is a risk. I am not saying I am the best in the world for him, but I do know that I would treat him as the knight in shining armor that I see him as. I feel like my love for him just popped out of a fairy tale or something. The kind of love only a princess would long and wait for while stranded in her castle. I know this sounds the same every time I blog but it is only because the feelings for him have not changed since I fell in love with him, they only grow stronger with time. It is so easy for someone to tell me to move on, until they feel exactly how I feel right now. It has been around about eight or nine months since this guy walked out of my life and it has been the most miserable eight or nine months of my life. And trust me, I'am not the one to dwell on heartache, I move on as quickly as possible; two weeks and I am ready for someone new. Not only do I have to sit and long for this guy but also have to watch other people hurting him without even being able to kick ass over it or make a few cunts wish they had never been born. Just lightly speaking. I question if he actually knows how much I love him, since I just kind of stepped back and let him go but I also wonder if he knows I let him go simply because I do love him. I also wonder if he knows I still wait for him as patiently as possible. He has my heart and that will not change.

3) Friends, Hanging Out, and Chatting

I start to wonder if certain friends of mine even know if I am still alive. Most do not write, most do not call, or even IM when they are online. Technology is supposed to make communication easier, not prove how much of a bitch you truly are. Just throwing that out there. Does it really hurt to stop for two seconds and make sure your friend is okay? And does it hurt to actually want to hang out sometimes? Make plans to do so and actually follow through on them? Oh wait, forgot, I do not drink so I do not have any friends or anything. Sorry. I forgot for a second. Actually, I do have a couple good friends which would not be so horrible if like four out of five did not live forever away. I still enjoy them nevertheless, but I just get tired of people's bullshit when they say "Oh she is my best friend" when they never even talk to me. Ugh.

4) Family, Drama, and The Whole Nine Yards
Wow. Family really never changes. So my sister figured out, finally after six months, that I had blocked her on Facebook. Granted, I find it funny that she cannot even find my name listed anywhere on the site. I giggle to myself. Anyway. So I know she is looking for more dirt to dig up on me to run and tell dad when dad and I are finally getting along great. I would seriously love to just shove something down her throat and kick her a few times. Sorry, that is a bit harsh I agree. But hopefully by the time she finds my blog, I will have already done so. So I did not really have much to rant about with the family thing, just my sister irritates me. And I have news for her, I am not watching her kid all spring and summer break without pay. I refuse!

5) That's All Folks
I know it is pretty much the same shit every day, but dammit I am getting sick of it not changing or getting better. /End of story.

Things I want to do before I'm 25

Things I want to do before I'm 25

1) Get a piercing.
The only ones I want are my ears and nose. I have no piercings at all at the moment. I'd love to get one.

2) Get a job.
Even if it's a small job, I still want to get one. Even the Army would work, so hopefully the recruiter says I'm good to go.

3) Move out.
I definitely move out. I'm not sure where I would go or anything, but I want to get my life started. I'm not getting any younger, at all.

4) Write a book.
Even if it doesn't get published, I want to have a book written. I know, I need to start on that one. But I always get sidetracked when I try.

5) Find a guy.
I don't want to be married by 25 (if I am, that would be great) but I just want to find a guy and have that feeling of trust and having someone there all the time to actually be there for me. I want him to actually want to spend his life with me and me the same to him. I know I'm only giving myself a couple years to find him, but you never know what could happen.

6) Do something insane.
I don't know what that may be yet, I'm not in a hurry to find that one out! But I do want to do something insanely stupid and very unexpected. Almost like a near death experience, only not as intense

7) Travel.
I don't care where as long as it's out of the state I'm in. I mean, I have went different places with my sister and brother but I just want to see more of the world. I want to go out west, I want to travel to other countries, I want to experience life.

8) Meet someone new.
I want to meet someone new and exotic. I mean, granted I have an ex who is pretty much fitting in this category that I met last year, but I want to just meet new unique people. Not the every day plain janes.

9) Decide what I want.
I want to be able to know on my 25th birthday what I want to do for at least a few years after. I mean, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. That's why I want #7 (Travel). It would give me an idea of who I want to create myself to be.

10) Play guitar.
I want to learn to play guitar. I've been working on it for five-seven years now but I still can't figure it out. It's not my best talent, I suppose. But I know if I worked more on it, I could do it.


There we have it.
10 things I wanna do before I turn 25.
Lets see if at 25 I can get those accomplished.

Pre-Midlife Crisis: The Big Two-One

So I am sitting here, thinking about my life and wondering where do I go from here. I want so bad to get out of this Hellhole, explore, travel, make something of myself instead of sitting like a knot on a log waiting for something to happen. I feel down all the time, I cannot do anything right lately. It seems like no matter what I do, I always end up back at square one or ten steps before I even get to square one. I, in four days, will be twenty-one. I have no job, I have no car, I have no friends close,  I have no "love" so to speak, I basically have no life. Living to die without any hope, dreams, or even ambitions. As of late, I feel like my life is meaningless and beyond hopeless as in it will never be any different. I know sometimes when people do this, they change their hair style, dye it even, go tanning, go sky diving, or buy a motorcycle. But me? I have just been on the brink of a mental breakdown only to separate myself from everyone and everything that I once enjoyed. What else can I do? The situation I am in completely sucks. And my parents are not much help. At all.

Actually, my parents and I were talking and my dad told me that joining the military would have been the best thing that could have ever happened to me had I done it. Granted, the military is a bit strict on the medical policies I am not sure if I could pass the physical exam. If I could, I definitely would consider going that route. The only thing stopping me before was, well, my dad's approval. I have been thinking about that since I turned eighteen and sometimes it feels like the only thing left for me. I do not have much of anything else going for me and I definitely need to do something with my life before I waste away into nothing. Would a few phone calls hurt? Just to ask some questions about joining and talk it over with the family first before I make any dramatic decisions. Order some information by email and by postal service to make sure I am, in fact, making the right choice. After I decide if it would be a good life for me or not, I can go from there to see what branch I would approve for and what I could do in said branch--if I decide to join. I am a day-by-day type of person. I never think ahead too far. I never get excited about something to come because I always have to wait for the bottom to fall out; usually it doesn't take long to do so. If I join, I know I am stuck for a long time without any way out unless I get injured and discharged but I do not want to do that. It could just be me but getting hurt just does not seem like a good thing to be doing. Other than that, what other options do I have to make something of myself? I mean, moving out is not an option. At least if I was on base, I would have a job, I would be working to make myself better. Not to mention, I would have a better social life and such. I may not be the richest person, I may in fact fail at a lot of things and be in debt more so than anything else but honestly, it seems like the only best option for me. I have tried to move out at least six times now and everything always fails one way or another. So why not? I do plan on calling or at least emailing someone to talk about it and get some information. Find out if my kidney issue will cause me to not be able to at least talk to someone about joining. Other than that, I have really no other medical reasons to be denied. Well, my height/weight may be an issue but with a bit of physical training I should be able to pass with flying colors. /Rant about the military thing.

So other than all of this, I really feel like I have nothing in common with anyone anymore. I mean, I section myself off from everyone and get lost in a book for hours, I never go out with anyone really just when someone needs an errand buddy, and I never actually just chill out with anyone. No one ever really wants to "chill" with me, so I just hang out by myself reading or coloring. Not a life I would have dreamed of when I was a kid. By 21, I wanted to be in college and almost having my degree finished. I wanted to have a good guy in my life. I wanted to actually be somebody and not just another face in the crowd. I wanted to have friends that would actually want to be around me and I wanted my family closer. And I wanted to be happy, healthy, and hopeful. But I have none of that. I have no way to achieve any of that. I feel like I have absolutely nothing left. I want to change this, I want to be better. I want people to look at me and see someone of success. I want to be a good role model. But I guess what I want and what I get is two different things. 

Sigh. So in four days, I turn twenty-one. Next year, lets see if I can make a blog that sounds a little better than this. Hopefully I will be so busy in life I will forget I even have a blog. Long deep sigh.

Deepest Rivers of My Mind, Soul, and Heart

Warning: This blog actually takes you into the deepest rivers of my mind, my soul, and my heart. If you're not ready to wade the waters to see or even try to understand me, click the little red [x] in the corner. If you're only here to judge, at least read and analyze before you judge me. 

Thanks.

-R

---

The song that best describes how I feel right now is "Finding Myself" by Smile Empty Soul.

"I don't care anymore if I let you down, I believe that I need to be free. I'm so used to my life with you around, I don't know anymore the real me. I thought that I found myself today. I thought that I had control. All the change in my life just fell away, for a moment I didn't need you." -- Smile Empty Soul

I feel lost, again. Only this time it's more of a soul-searching lost not just blank and cloudy. I feel like everything I have worked for has just fell and burned away and I'm still trying to pick up the ashes hoping that things will start to fall back into place; even though everything is so badly ruined you can't even tell what the ashes are supposed to be.

My heart is completely torn. I think I know exactly /who/ I want and then it just seems I have this flip and something happens that upsets me. It leaves me completely and entirely devastated beyond all reason until the point that I am forced to text the only one who I know will be able to make me feel better--no matter how much he has hurt me, he always knows what to do and what to say to make me somehow smile deep down. Not a lot of people accept me as is, not a lot of people understand me to my core or know why I do things that I do. I know it doesn't help that I don't open up enough but honestly, there's a reason why I do that too. It seems no matter what I do here lately, I'm going to end up more beaten and battered in the emotional area than I was before. Once a dog is beaten so many times it starts to just not even like people. Make sense? I think so because it's starting to happen. One minute everything is fine with people and then the next, it's like I can't do anything right. I say people but I actually mean just one person. (Not naming anyone, of course. If the shoe fits, wear it.)

"All these tears that I've cried, you must be tired of taking care of me but it is what you do best and I'm a liar because really it's what I need." -- Smile Empty Soul

I am just entirely lost at the moment. I don't know who I am, what I am, where I'm supposed to be, or even who I'm supposed to have by my side. I mean, it'd be easier if people would also open up a tad more to let me in but I guess I just have to wait and see what happens. I feel like giving up and just saying "Screw this" but walking away with a smile on my face just because I know it would piss people off. I feel bad for the things I've done but I realize I'm not going to be able to make them right without a little help, which I am not getting. 

I can't talk about how I feel with anyone because I know no matter how I go about it, it's going to make me feel and seem like a bad person just because of all the thoughts rolling through my mind. I can't even calculate how many times they spin, toss, turn, and tumble. It's getting to the point that I'm confused about daily life. I mean, normally I could still focus and continue on with my life like nothing was happening while battling the war in my mind but it's actually taking it's last toll on me and making me so tired. I can't even think straight anymore. I'm losing basic functions, it's surprising I can even remember my name right now. I'm trying to fit every little puzzle piece back into it's correct place but it's just a puzzle I'm not sure I'll ever get back together. Granted, I've always been a little absent minded but this is getting ridiculous. The thoughts become horrible, filled with anger and so much pain. I try to pretend that I'm not hurting but I think it's starting to show through in ways I'm unable to stop. Friends just tell me to hang in there and that I'll be fine but they don't even know that much. They don't know that I'll ever be okay again. They just don't know. Just like I don't know that I won't be. It's a blind spot for me and I can't see past it. 

I'm so angry at life in general. When I'm not crying, I'm in a complete slit throat anti-social mood. Every time someone writes or emails me, I feel like screaming "Go away." Thankfully, I've actually only said it aloud once so far; and to my defense, he was a moron that didn't get the whole "I'm pissed, leave me alone" vibe. I don't even know why I'm angry, I don't even know if I have a reason. I guess just years of being treated like shit, being put down, and all the stress and annoyance I have to deal with every day is just finally starting to break every particle of me down until I feel like I'm about to snap. And when I snap, I can almost guarantee that it won't be pretty at all. The few anger spells I've had lately is nothing compared to what damage I could do. In words of Pink, "I can be so mean when I wanna be. I am capable of really anything. I can cut you into pieces when my heart is broken." and sadly it's true. Everyone thinks I'm on this big mental break down but this isn't even the worst that it could be. I'm still able to control and hold back. When I explode, I can bet there will be a volcano. I'm just so tired of everything. And I'm tired of being afraid to talk to anyone because I know they'll get pissed if I actually tell them how I feel about them. I just want to be able to get it all out there and say it is what it is. 

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Sulking...

I feel so hollow. So empty. Like I have absolutely ruined everything I have tried to work for in the last year. Friendship ruined. Two of them. Relationship ruined that hadn't even started. I feel sick to my stomach. I am so angry at myself. I am angry at my anger which is beyond frustrating. I do not know how to begin working to fix this. I do not know if it is mendable. I suddenly feel lost. I feel rejected; which honestly I cannot blame them. Most of all, I wonder why people like me--people who live in anger and depression--even live when they cannot function like normal human beings. Some things I will never in my life begin to understand.

And yes, this is my form of sulking. Better than listening to Conway Twitty and eating bacon by the shit-ton. But I will still do that later tonight.

Figuring out why I'm alone

I've been thinking a lot lately, and well my thought process came from a song:

"I don't go to church enough, I curse out loud, I drink too much, I'm more of a sinner than a saint. I got a dusty Bible on my shelf I just pick up when I need help. Lord knows there's a lot I need to change..." -- Jason Aldean, Don't Give Up On Me

I start to look back on the girls guys have dated and I realize I am nothing at all like them and it makes me wonder if I'm even good enough for anyone at all. It seems like the guys I find myself interested in have this high bar for women that I know I'd never be able to live up to, no matter how much I try. I feel like I have completely failed at life, even though I'm only 20--well, in 19 days I'll be 21--and I have no idea how to even go about fixing it. A guy that I've found myself interested in now makes me want to change everything. It's just hard when I can't even see if the pasture on the other side would be greener. I know I need to change things, oh how I know that. I'm just not even sure if I'm entirely ready to flip my life around and live it differently. I've been trying to slowly take steps to change things but I somehow always go back. I just want someone to accept me for who/what I am.

Who/what am I? I'm just a country girl with a gypsy soul. I can't make up my mind, my socks never match, I'd rather run bare feet on a rocky dirt road than strut around in high heels, and I love rolling up my pants to run through a creek chasing my pet duck in the summer. I'd rather a guy pick me up, take me to a drive through window to get some food, then park in the woods to eat while sitting on a tailgate of his truck watching the night; I don't want to have to worry about what fork to eat with, I'd rather pick my tomatoes off a sandwich and feed them to the birds. I'd rather a guy bring me redneck roses (wild flowers picked by hand beside the road) than actual long stem roses. Sorry, I'd pick my boots over anything else. Almost all my jeans have holes, I do wear flannel shirts, and I like a guy with a skoal ring and cowboy boots. The sound of a banjo and an acoustic guitar comfort me. I curse like a sailor and drink my beer from a can. I'd rather be in the hill going through mud holes on an ATV than in the mall shopping. I hunt, I hike, I roam in the hills, I enjoy being out there. I don't wanna change. People seem to want to change me or want to make me "better" by changing something.

It's hard for me enough being in the position I'm in. I mean, I'm losing friends it seems every day, I only have two friends out of the whole crew that will actually come visit me, I feel like I'm unpleasant to be around, and I start to wonder if that's why I just can't make anything work out with anyone. Am I not even good enough for friends? I mean is that why they won't come around? I know I have nothing much in common anymore with friends and they'd rather talk to someone who can relate, but I'm still here too. Sorry that I'm not in college and don't have a job so I don't know what you're going through... and sorry that you guys ditched me and drove me into depression so I can't even hold conversation... Sigh. I just seriously wish some people like that would open up their eyes and see that I try and apparently I fail. I just never seen myself as a college type even though I read all the time. Working? Well, we'll go on that subject for a different day. I just wish people would stop leaving me out. A few friends still talk about work to me and make it fun even if I can't relate.

With all that being said, I just really realize that maybe I'm not even good enough to be a friend to anyone really. Since I have no one to relate to and all everyone does is put me down or make me feel worse about everything. Sigh. I guess stuff just happens sometimes.