Good-bye blog...

Tomorrow, I will be finishing my packing up and then I will hit the road. Possibly to not return here for a long time, if ever. Seeing of how I don't drive yet, the whole visiting thing is something that won't happen until I have a car of my own. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this yet. I don't know if I should be very sad or very excited. I feel like this thing has been rushed way too quickly and now it's like quicksand. No way out, no way to say "Stop" and the more I struggle, the harder it is to move.

 

My room being packed up...
It looks so much better now than it did then, but it was still harsh.

I honestly have no idea what I'm even doing. I mean, I feel like I'm lost and just on autopilot to get this done. I still try to tell myself that the person coming to get me won't show up or will get lost and frustrated and just forget about me then go on alone. I have exactly $16 to my name and I'm leaving home on that. I'm overwhelmed. I'm stressed. I feel like the world may cave in at any given moment. I don't know what to do, really. I have the urge to tell them to stop this non-sense because I'm staying home. But there is too much riding on this. Seeing of how my father and I never get along, everyone seems to think this is the best route to go. So. That's what I'm doing.

I won't have my blog anymore or my personal computer to keep a journal on disk so I'm actually switching to pen and paper (not so happy about that.) Hopefully, I will have my boyfriend's laptop at least once a week to update everyone and let them know I'm alive until I can get my own laptop and be on whenever I feel the need. It's going to be hard going without my computer because my computer is my basic life. It gives me directions, lets me order things, keep in touch with people, ignore people when need be, get caught up on the daily lives of friends, and interact with people that live too far away. Now? I won't have that. I won't have any source of communication until I get a cellphone and my own laptop which may not be for a long time. We have to get ourselves moved in and okay before I even think about blowing money like that. Sigh. I'm just so frustrated. Everyone is sad because I won't have any way to talk to them but that's life, I guess. I just found out that one of my best friends is pregnant and now I won't even be updated on her progress with it. Oh well, I guess. I hate leaving my family and friends behind. I really truly do.

This is the second hardest thing I've ever done. First was saying good-bye to my uncle and grandmother when they passed on but that's always hard on someone. Moving? It shouldn't be that hard. I'm treated like crap here and most days, they seem to want to get rid of me. I start to question myself of why I even stayed this long; then I realized up until lately I didn't have any other option. So lets hope my friends were right in saying this is the best for me. Not to mention, I am leaving my cats behind. I am a cat person. I love my cats. I hate leaving them and not knowing if dad and mom will take care of them. I found one a new good home if she'd come get him but it's Petey and Sissy that I worry about. Dad's taken up with Tater pretty well so that may not be an issue. But I worry about my two babies that I always wanted to take with me. Sigh. And if things with the boyfriend work out, I won't even be able to have a cat again because he hates them. Cats are my second life. They make me feel better when they curl up on me and start purring or rub against my leg as I'm getting them food. They make me laugh when they're attacking objects randomly. Is it wrong to be so sad that I'm leaving something that I love? My home, my family, my animals, my friends... it's excruciating. I have cried every night this week. I don't know how much more I can cry without tipping over into borderline insanity.

A part of me just doesn't want to do this at all... 

Sigh.

"We can only hope that no good-bye is forever..."

New Web Note

So I'm realizing that it is a wasted time when you fight with someone you love; the time you spend yelling at them is the time when you could be trying to love on them.

I love this guy with everything I am and can be. I could never imagine my life without him. Truth being? I think it is becoming mutual. I am trying so hard not to throw it away but my past prevents it. I get so angry for no reason. I throw a major hissy fit for no reason. I get depressed beyond everything for no reason. I need to change before I lose him like I have everyone else.

With that being said, I am completely and entirely exhausted this morning but my soul feels a little more healed. I figured out why I have so much anger lingering in it and I realize now that I just need to let go of it and say "Screw you, anger. Let me be happy." I realize it is more so dangerous than not to keep it inside me like it is some sacred artifact. So lets hope I can start doing that and just kind of slowly getting myself back to normal--or what I believe normal to be.

On another note in Rai news, I started writing a story a few weeks ago. Of course, I already quit on it for a while until I get some new ideas for it. I know, I could go back and add detail but you should rush an artist at work. This story was actually inspired, so to speak, by a Cannibal Corpse song. Yeah. Kind of scary, I admit. But I do not question my creative motives. As long as they stay in an artistic way and not come to life, I think we will be okay. So while I am trying to write this, I am actually going to work on putting some of my major works of poetry on my new author site. Of course, I have to make a new author site first. Which could be all talk more so than actually doing it. I have been doing a lot of planning lately but not acting. I need to start acting upon things. If not, before I know it my life is going to turn into nothing at all.

"I don't want to spend my life jaded, waited, to wake up one day and find that a lot of these years have gone by wasted. I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing, the still of the morning, the color of the night. I ain't spending no more time wasted." -- Carrie Underwood

I am going to start trying to be better; not only for myself but for everyone around me. I mean better in general. Let go of some of this hate for others, work on the hate I have for myself, and then see where it takes me. It is a slow process but I have someone willing to help me every step of the way. I do not want any repeats of my past. I do not want to lose this one because of my stupidity and my pride. It is time I stop and ask for help with the things I realize I just cannot do on my own.

This just all takes time--it is a slow healing process.

"Lord knows there's a lot I need to change. And I want to. You make me want to. You tie the knot when I'm at the end of my rope, you never stop beliving in me when I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to be. I don't give ya no good reason but baby don't give up on me. I've smoked my last cigarette at least a hundred times I bet. I guess I'll just keep quitin' til it sticks. But for all things I've failed to do, I've never failed at loving you..." -- Jason Aldean





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