New Poem: Karma

I have been living in the shadows

Taking the wrong path

Foreseeing what could happen

But odds were just math.

I have nothing left after

People have walked away

Never did I shed a tear

Nor did I ask them to stay.

I let those people flee

They wanted to find themselves

I always turned my back

Put the pieces of my heart on shelves.

The place is getting empty

The lights are burning slowly out

My soul and heart feel broken,

I am now full of more self-doubt.

For the first time in my life

I start to walk away

I turn around; waiting. But

No one will ask me to stay.

Karma has made it's mark,

I realize I should have told it all

But it is now too late.
Finally my tear drops will fall.

Facing Past, Fighting Demons

I was laying in bed after a dream this morning, contemplating. Something has been eating at me since I was younger and it has yet to be revealed by anyone. The one person who knows, I texted and couldn't get a response. The dream has been chewing at me all morning. While reading, "The Dark Rivers of the Heart" (a Dean Koontz novel) I started to realize something during the whole reading session this morning and it was inspired by one quote from that book:

"The aura of evil that clung to these walls was the residue of a horror from the past, and there was nothing here and now to fear."

As soon as I read this quote, it is almost like my brain halted. I could not move to go on to the next paragraph. Although the whole scenario was different, I could relate with the characters basically because humans have demons in their past, horror and terror of events that occurred.

I realize, we all have things to hide. We all are running from something. We all have that plague that chews us at our very core. We all have that one thing that we just can't get away from, yet we still run from it. Some of us may have more than others. But we all have it there. Some demons are easier to face than others; some demons are destroyable and some kill us slowly, sucking out everything we have left. And yet, all we can do is pretend like we're starting over and try to create a new life without that said demon in it... even if it haunts us daily. We all have the vague understanding that if we run, the problem will go away--when in reality, it only seems to make it worse until the point of insomnia, depression, anxiety, and paranoia. Then those only give us more things to run from.

The point is, we all run but we never really go back and face what really happened. We never get that closure needed to get on with our lives so everything that even relates to the event eats us and always seems to come up when things are already going to Hell anyway. Although we may find that safe hiding place within the darkened shadows, our memory and souls still have the scars and even open wounds from what has happened. Even if it has been years prior to the current lifestyle. Changing something about you, even your name, will not keep what happened away. It will not make it fade and it sure won't make things better. We only do what we can to survive instead of fighting to make the life we want to happen without the past gnawing at us.

Running only makes you run more. It seems like an easy way out but the truth of the matter being, you will always be running. You will never be able to run and get free from the chains that tie you to the past. You have to face something head on and fight it until its death to get it to leave you alone and keep it from haunting you. And the truth of the matter is, you don't have to do that alone. You can have a loved one, friend, or stranger to help you. But you have to want that to go away. I am starting to realize, maybe humans are obsessed with the pain of the past. Without out, we may be afraid we will have nothing left after.

Think about it.
It's just a random thought.

"It's a chain, iron chain, it runs through me, through my brain, my heart, through my guts, a chain, no way to get loose, no escape." -- Dark Rivers of the Heart, Dean Koontz

Random Writing: Never Said Good-bye

She ponders the meaning of life and the meaning of death, knowing both have some sort of purpose. She wanders around, feeling a little lost and slightly confused about the standing situations of her life. A smile--a smile hides everything, all of her hopes, fears, dreams, and tears. She wipes her own tear away from her cheek, catching it before it trickles down and hits the hard floor. Stepping out into the world, closing the door behind her, she feels a bit of pain sting the very core of her soul and start to destroy her heart. She walks in pain, holding the tears back. Regret hovers over her, like a dark cloud, but each step makes her feel a little more free. Her voice carries in the wind as she whispers, "I want to be free..." She feels as if she shackles that she has been wearing for years have finally fallen away, the handcuffs removed, and the chains tying her back just seem to disappear. 

Stepping closer to her destination, she had a second thought. In fact, she almost turned around but she realized what was for the better. She knew the choices and the decision was clear. She no longer wanted to live in pain. She just wanted to be free. Cutting free of everything, she took her final step to the edge. In her pocket, her hand trembled against the cold metal of the gun. One last sigh escaped her lungs and came out of her mouth, she whispered with tears starting to form in her eyes and a smile spreads across her face, "I just want to be free..." Raising the gun, she flinched slightly as she removed the safety. The gun to her head felt cold. The trigger was pulled, the bullet met with the skull, tearing flesh and bone and escaping the other side. Her lifeless body fell off the rocky cliff into the waters below. 

She never even said good-bye.

"Foward or you will die": Death threat or joke?

Someone sent me this via Facebook comment and I was thinking about it for a while, reading it and such. Of course, I got a slight giggle but then I read it to mom and said "If I die on Monday at 12am, you'll know (name of person who sent it to me) hexed me to death." Mom kind of looked at me like I was a strange child. But here's the text of the comment:



This is not a joke! Carry on reading! Or you will die, even if you only looked at the word warning!


Once there was a girl called Clarissa, she was ten-years-old and she lived in a mental hospital, because she killed her mom a...n.................d her dad. she got so bad she went to kill the staff in the hospital so the government decided that... See More ... See More the best idea was to get rid of her so they set up a special room to kill her, as humane as possible but it went wrong the machine they were using went wrong. And she sat in agony for hours untill she finally died. Now every week on the day of her death she returns to the person who reads this letter, on a monday night at 12:00a.m. She creeps into your room and kills you slowly, by cutting you and watching you bleed to death.


Now send this to ten other pics on this one site, and she will haunt someone else who dosen's pass this on like you did. And forget about you. Example 1:
Jenny didn't believe this and deleted it without even reading the whole thing! A few days later on the monday night, she was woken up by loud footsteps and heavy breathing, there was Clarissa standing there with a huge knife and well Jenny is history now 




So I'm wondering if that could be considered a death threat? I mean, really. It says specifically "This is not a joke!" so how am I supposed to take that? I know it's harmless and such, but really. Who ever came up with these has really no sense of law enforcement. They take shit like this seriously, believe it or not. It is almost as if saying "You're going to die unless I see you comment this to every one you know." --Actually, my thoughts are that some people are so comment-love-driven that they would do anything just to get comments on their page, even this kind of thing. With that being said, is this a death threat or a joke?

Like if someone sends it to you knowing you won't resend it out and if you die would it not be their fault therefore would it not be them technically killing you? Couldn't the cops some how read that as a crime? Even if it wasn't their fault that you died? I'm just asking. But this came to me after I started laughing and asking mom, "Hm, I wonder if I died could you really sue someone or something for letting people post this on my Facebook?" It makes me giggle, honestly. But I'm actually sure some people do believe stuff like this really will happen.

Just a random thought of the day and wanted to share. Sorry guys. I know some of you like how my brain works but some don't.

Oh the days are getting long.

So I'm basically just updating my blog to make sure my TwitterFeed is working. But I also need to update, I suppose since I haven't in a while.

This week, lately, has been seriously crazy. Like beyond it. Sunday, I actually went to church for the first time in a long time. And yanno I had my spiritual renewal that I needed. I go out and help fix the food and everything and set up for their Annual Dinner (or Homecoming as they call it). I talked to some people I've not seen in a while, including three of my friends. All was well, I came home and felt a little bit better. Strangely enough, I've actually been kind of happy all week since then. Maybe that's a sign that I should start going to church again even though my religious views aren't exactly matching theirs or maybe it's a sign that I've fell off my rocker and need some booze. 

Yesterday, I woke up and had an email in my inbox saying that some poet guy wanted me to write a preface for his novel. I actually sent it to my friend Heather to get her opinion on it and we both agreed that it's most likely a scam or something so I deleted it. It kind of made me a little downhearted because that could be something I need to get my writing started. Know what I mean? Writing has been my dream since I was like fourteen. I want to write. I want to have my name in the books and it's not even about the money. It's just the feeling of joy knowing someone somewhere is reading that and seeing my name on the cover. If I knew the guy was legit, I would have totally done it. 

Speaking of writing, I'm actually starting on a new story! I don't know where it's going yet though. Could be a decent one. So far my main character has changed genders twice, changed names three times, and she still (really) has no idea who she is. Haha. No, I mean, I keep changing her but she really does have amnesia or something. I'll post it up when I get the first part of it done.

Ehm. Yeah, I'm starting to miss the most recent ex-boyfriend figure. I feel, in a way, like he and I should be together and frankly I've not given up on it and I say I won't for a very long time. I mean, I bring it up that I want him back but it doesn't seem to help matters any at all. It seems to upset him more than anything so I just kind of stopped bringing it up. My heart aches because it feels like he wants the same thing but I get confused. One minute, it's almost as if I'm the only girl in the world for him and the next minute I'm not. I've tried giving him space, I've tried to stay away, I've tried to stop caring, I've tried to do everything he said he wanted me to do but every time he pulls me back. I just... I don't know. I don't know what to do really. I'm fighting anger about the situation. I feel like screaming at him sometimes but all I can do is open my arms and my heart with a smile on my face then hold him and tell him everything's okay. I'm starting to think I'm trying to convince myself more of that than him. We've had some perfect moments lately and it's just in those moments, I get really upset because I know we could be more. I try not to pressure him and I'm trying to keep my distance as much as possible but it's slowly killing me. Sigh. I guess things like this happen, right? I don't know. Maybe I just need to slowly let him go as much as I hate to. I start to wonder if he would be better off if I did. I mean, I enjoy taking care of him and I care a lot for the guy but I just have no idea what he wants. I hate trying to talk to him about it because I have this whole fear of pissing him off thing. I really don't want to let him go and I'm kind of fighting here with what I've got left. It's just kind of one of those battles that I may not win... why I keep fighting, I have no idea. Maybe love is just a war within itself.

So after all is said and done, I did get a new friend today that found for me. I let him go though. He was so adorable. Until he tried to bite me. Being Elle Mae, I wanted to keep him but dad said no. Do you blame me? Look at this little guy...

A turtle my dad found. I set him free on the creek bank. :)

I hope he'll be okay. I don't want a snake to eat him or anything. Do snakes eat turtles? I have no idea. But that would seriously suck! He's a cute little guy. I personally wouldn't touch him... but I had to get him out of the driveway before someone smushed him. Yes, I know, I have a big heart for such a small person.

So it's actually time for me to get up and clean. I've been avoiding it all morning. I'll update again sometime soon.