The Songs Define Me...

 ‎"Maybe you were right. Maybe I could have changed. Sitting here alone tonight thinking about a lot of things. What's a man to say when all the questions start. Hell, I know deep down inside of my broken heart. I could have tried just a little bit harder, kissed you just a little bit sweeter, held on just a little bit longer, dug down just a little bit deeper; let the world revolve around you and given you the stars above, loved you just enough to make you stay... And I'd have lost you anyway." -- Toby Keith, Lost You Anyway

The song that defines my mood right now.

I know things are gone no matter how much I fight myself to tell myself it may come back. Tears fill my eyes, worry fills my head, sorrow fills my soul, and brokenness fills my heart.

How long must I keep pretending that I am okay?
How long until this heals?

Okay, so I lied.
I lied and said I was fine.
I lied and said I was okay.
I lied and said I understood.
Pretty lies.
They hurt; they hurt myself after I tell them.
I have to keep going with this fake smile while tears are overfilling me. Just because tears are not streaking down my cheeks does not mean I am not crying.

Could I have stopped this?
Could I have loved him more?
Could I have done something to make things better?
I know he would have left no matter what I done. I know that for a fact, simply because that is just what happens. I hate the situation. I hate it. I do. Things should have been better this time. They should have. I wanted them to be better. I wanted things to work. Sigh. I feel as if I am only happy because I still have this strange belief that he will come back.

"You always find a way to keep me right here waiting; always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting. If you chose to walk away, I'd still be right here waiting searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting. I've made a commitment. I'm willing to bleed for you. I needed fulfillment. I found what I needed in you." -- Staind, Right Here Waiting.

I try to avoid the pain.

I listen to my favorite songs.
I laugh when I feel like crying.
I find the morbid humor in feeling like a part of me died.
I still cannot help but to wonder.
I wonder if I was the one who made a mistake. I wonder if anything I could have done would have changed the outcome. I wonder many many things right now, my mind is actually swirling around just trying to figure out what exactly happened. I cannot just walk away and pretend everything is damn skippy.
The songs just make it worse.
They make me actually feel the hurt I have.

I hate it.

"He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar. The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart. He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do. He's the time taken up, but there's never enough and he's all that I need to fall into." -- Taylor Swift, Teardrops On My Guitar

So now I am left.

I have a blank page before me.

I have the pen in hand.

The page remains blank.

I have no idea where to start,
So how am I to know where I will end?

"I've sure enjoyed the rain but I'm looking forward to the sun. You have to feel the pain when you lose the love you gave someone. I thought that by now the time would take away these lonely tears. I hope you're doing fine all alone. Where do I go from here?" -- Dixie Chicks, Without You

Sometimes I feel like I hurt too much.

You know, like seriously just hurt way too much.
It kills me slowly.
I mean, it helps when you know the hurt is coming.
But you still don't want it to happen.
I mean. It would be better if we could just numb ourselves to everything, wait, and let the hurt go away. 

Right?

"Times like these, I wish I were the Tin Man. You could hurt me all you wanted and I'd never even know. I'd give anything just to be the Tin Man; then I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't need a soul." -- Kenny Chesney, The Tin Man

I feel as if I almost had something.

Almost felt that special thing I needed.

Almost had a promise for the future.
Almost was sure of something.

Almost had someone who'd take care of me.

Almost found a guy who would stick around no matter what.

Almost got that warm feeling wrapped completely around my heart.
But... I was wrong.

"I almost made you love me, almost you cry, almost made you happy baby. Didn't I, didn't I? You almost had me thinking you turned around. But everybody knows almost doesn't count. Almost heard you saying you were finally free, what was always missing for you, baby you found it in me. But you can't get to Heaven half off the ground. Everybody knows almost doesn't count." -- Mark Wills, Almost Doesn't Count

I know I have got to keep going.

I can't let this get me down.

Even if he doesn't come back.

I can't give up.

It hurts, but I shall move on eventually.

I keep saying I'll never fall for another guy.
But chances are I will.

And then I'll believe again, for a while.

Then he'll leave me.
But eventually, some guy will love me so much, he'll get stuck with me.
He'll look past my flaws, past everything, and he'll heal me.
That's the one thing that will keep me going.
If he does come back, it would be wonderful if he'd be that guy.
Chances are that won't happen.
But I can still believe it for a while, right?

"You can't give up on love. That's the one thing we've got to keep going. It don't come easy and it's so hard to hold but you can't give up on love." -- Alan Jackson, You Can't Give Up On Love

I know that when I am sitting here in tears, there is a guy that wishes he could wipe them from my eyes.
I don't have to put up with this.
I'm not sure why I do. But I do.
Sigh.
Just another girl asking a guy to love her.

"You don't have to stay with someone that makes you cry. You'll end up killing all the love you have inside. Can't hope to see the sun if you don't open your eyes. Girl, don't let real love pass you by." -- Boyz II Men

There you have it.

There is how I have been feeling recently.
So if I say I'm okay, maybe you should second guess it.
At least for a while.
But I will be okay within time.

"And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd because these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to." -- Anna Nalick, Breathe (2 am)

So yesterday... Yea.

"Well I never saw it coming, should have started running a long long time ago. I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you more than you know. Slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over. I'm finally getting better and I'm picking up the pieces. I'm spending all these years putting my heart back together." (Daughtery, Over you)

So I know my actions yesterday are something I will have to deal with, eventually. For now, I will just enjoy the moment that I actually had fun while out with friends. I know things will come back to hit me in the face, but honestly it made me forget about everything--even if only for a few moments in time. I never knew what my friends meant when they said I always found comfort in someone else's arms right after a breakup. Now I am realizing that I actually do that. Being beside the lake, sitting with one of my best friends, her husband, and a tall drink of water rocking body type of guy that any girl would be happy to get... it was just amazing. Picture a very tall, about 6'7 guy, a very dark tan, ripped up dirty jeans, the most amazing light brownish eyes--almost a bronze color--, a back that you could just sink your nails into, rock hard abs, a chest that you just can't help but to touch dripping with sweat, calloused hands but so gentle to the touch, very strong arms, and a neck you just can't wait to sink your teeth into. Not to mention, the first thing I did was remove his sunglasses and make him get rid of the cigarette. Later, I got kind of used to the smell and intoxication of this temptation put before me. I couldn't help but to give in. Little did I know, hours later, I would be laying on him crying and wanting nothing more than to stay in his arms just a while longer. It seemed every time I went back in time to the ex, the guy would brush my hair out of my face, kiss my cheek, and hold me even tighter. And yes, I did tell him about the breakup that had just happened so he was aware that I was horridly upset. But I think in some odd way, he understood just what I needed at the time.

 With all of that being said, I found out two things about myself yesterday. 1) I am truly lonely no matter who I am with. 2) My biggest fear is being alone. It took talking to an ex-boyfriend to make me notice number two but it helped me. After crying all night, I now know where I need to start working on myself and getting the pieces back together. I guess another friend of mine was right when he said someone needs to work on themselves before trying to work on a relationship. Could be why I take every break up like it's an every day thing--besides that it practically is.

I am not completely over everything but I am working on it. Slowly. I'm going to use my new free time to study my guitar and try to give my heart to something steady instead of just trying to live without reason. "I still believe in this rock and rock, and I pray the music gonna save my soul...." (Pop Evil, 100 in a 55) I am definitely staying single for a while and putting myself together, getting a life started, and then trying to see how things will work out. I'm still not sure of what's even to come 12 hours from now but I can tell you that I'm going to make it one hell of a ride. All I can really say is that I am going to find who I am instead of avoiding it by finding a fix-er-up type of guy to help fix himself instead of me. It's only making me feel worse about myself when it ends. It makes me feel rather worthless at times and like I can do anything right. In between having moments of fucking up my life and this, I am slowly wondering why I keep doing this. But it is now a work in progress. I want to be independent 100% and not have that need for a guy around. I mean, it would be nice to have on there, but that will come way later. Until then, I am going to find something--and I think guitar is it--to fill that constant void in my life.

So there's that.

Good riddance,
-Rai

Life is good...

I just realized I have the most amazing friends and a wonderful guy in my life. That is all. Now if I could get rid of this darned sickness I'd be doing good. Short update, but the bed is calling me.

Good riddance,
- Rai

Will You Swear On Your Life...

New Poem Released
Anger, Comfort in the Pain @ Postpoems.com -- LovelyMissRai
( http://www.postpoems.com/cgi-bin/displaypoem.cgi?pid=746613 )

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People often remark on how I always seem to be down about something or how negative I am on the outlooks of life but I actually wonder how many cares are behind the remarks; or is everyone just tired of me bringing them down all the time? When was the last time the same people remarking about it asked me to hang out with them and then ditched me, did not show, or just completely forgot about me? Probably within the last week. So my thoughts are, if you want me happier, maybe you should try being a better friend and stop trying to get my hopes up for something great to happen just once every few months. I understand people have their own lives, I truly do, but after a while I just get tired of bullshit excuses. I could die tomorrow and how do you think the same people would act who have treated me like nothing more than a play thing they could throw away and then get back when they wanted? They would act devastated. Exactly. But my thoughts are, if you are not wanting to make effort to show up while I am alive, do not even try to bother when I am dead. I would rather you not show up at all.

I have tried everything, almost beyond everything, to become this person that everyone wants me to be and some how I have lost something along the way. Lucky me, I also feel as if I have lost my soul somewhere in the midst of everything else. I have tried so hard to be understanding of why everyone does what they do, but half of the time I have no idea why when they cannot even begin to try to understand my emotions and concerns. I have tried to understand. I have put my heart and ass on the line for pretty much everyone and yet, I still get nothing in return. I just sit at home, alone, knitting while friends lie and say they are out with me when they have never made any effort at all to even show up at my house. Lovely story of my life there. Would it really kill people to travel another fifteen minutes to get to my house just to say hi? Apparently they think so. And it was fine, for a while. Until I realized I am just being used beyond all reasoning. And somehow, my family figured out it was okay to do this as well even though they have no idea friends do the same thing. It is like a conspiracy against me or something.

I have only a handful of people I talk to on a daily basis which is sad when I have over 100+ friends on Facebook, 60+ on AOL Instant Messenger, and 30+ on Yahoo Instant Messenger. Plus everyone knows my email from high school. When I try to write someone to make conversation, they say maybe three words and that be it. Frankly, I am starting to not give a damn about anyone. Why would I? Why should I, actually? I am becoming restless sitting at home all of the time simply because no one wants to ever hang out with me or do anything with me unless I get up at the crack of dawn and meet them out somewhere. Seeing of how I cannot drive (family issues with the whole driving thing), I cannot do that. So I am, yet again, sitting at home blogging and knitting on a Friday night due to a broken string of hope that I was going to be out and about having fun this weekend. Well, okay, I lied. I also have a Dean Koontz book to finish reading. Other than that, I really do not even have anyone to talk to. The people I was talking to already left for the evening to go out. No one thought to say, "Hey, would you like to join?" Sigh.

So I must say, if I am in a bad mood, down, or upset, maybe you should think about how you are treating me and realize that maybe, just maybe, it could be your fault. Just saying. And maybe to put me in a better mood, maybe you should stick by your word instead of getting my hopes up just to laugh behind my back later when the plans fall through. And maybe, just freaking maybe, you should try to make more effort to be a friend. It could be more awarding to you than not. I will not life forever. I could possibly die tonight. How would you feel knowing you would not have had the extra chance to prove yourself as a friend to me? Think about it. You never know what is going to happen, especially with me. The most crying at funerals is the regret in knowing you should have done something you did not before and now you will never get the chance again. Most people who can laugh and cry at the same time are those who actually made effort to be a friend and have so many stories to share. So...

"Will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my funeral?"
-- Sixx:AM, Life Is Beautiful

Good riddance,
-Rai

Brain = Fried

Warning: Blog is very scatter brained and may be confusing.

"I want to be a good man, a do like I should man, I want to be the kind of man the mirror likes to see. I want to be a strong man, an admit that I was wrong man. God, I'm asking you to come change me into the man I want to be. And if there's anyway for her and me to make another start. Could you see what you could do to put some love back in her heart." -- Chris Young

I have been asking myself for a long time now if everything I do good enough, if I give enough love, or if there is something else I should be doing to make things better. I guess I kind of got my answer and realized that literally nothing I do is right. I cannot love correctly. That is supposed to be the easiest thing in the world to do. There's always that one thing you want that you can't have or that isn't given to you in full like it should be. Opening yourself and slashing open old wounds just to find that someone pours salt in them when given chance. It's hard to understand how someone can just walk away, without looking back while you're left dying inside. The clouds only hang over your head and as much as you seem to try, no way possible for you to die. Fighting your own battle to keep things held together while personally beating yourself lifeless with the questions of "what if...."

I keep trying to position myself to make sure I am doing everything right, even adapting to new things. I started to give my all and had it thrown back at me... apparently my everything isn't enough or is too much or something. I am starting to confuse myself, actually. I've worn this mask for so long that it's actually became more of a style than a window. My face hardly ever has any expression and most of the time I cannot speak out loud. My soul has been lost for some time now and honestly, I don't look for it to be back any time soon. Talking to friends I find this is normal. Normal? Really? Normal to feel as if you don't have a soul? Wow. I'd hate to see what abnormal means. LIMBO! My soul is lost in Limbo. Incase you have no idea what the place Limbo is, google that shit.

Anyway, so here I am at 1am trying to get my thoughts out on page but they're so jammed and crowded I am now thinking about time machines (or lack there of) and going back in time. Inspired by a facebook status and comments from friends. "Yeah there is a lack of flux capacitors" says one friend. I say, "Maybe they lost it in the time machine? or invented it and then went back in time and it disappeared? he could be repeating stuff and never really know it, yanno?" and yeah, I'm sober. And something about a mango. I'm not sure how the mango plays in and I'm almost sure that was from another conversation.

So here I am. 1am. Tryin..... Oh, I've said this already. Hm. Yeah, so I love this guy and he loves me but life is complicated. And I miss the days when "I love you" "I love you too" meant we're supposed to be together. not apart. I love you does not mean "I leave you." I think people are confusing some letters or something. I love you, I want to be with you, end of story. Lets not worry about everything else, shall we? Alright then. If only life were that easy right?

My friends have helped me through tonight. Thanks guys, I love you and owe you bunches. I'll dance at your weddings! But my brain is fried like chicken, and it's burning. Okay not really, but I do have a headache. maybe I think too much? Could be, right? Yeah. That's it.

1:07am.... 107.... One.Zero.Seven. I should be in bed but I feel like my brain will implode... or explode... depending on which way it bursts. 1:08. Hm. that thought in one minute. WTF. Is my brain on slo-mo? Really. I'm concerned now. Oh 1:09.... 1-Zero-9. Nine Nine Nine. Nine. nine. ahem. Nine. Yeah. I'm still thinking... Wee Woo... Hm. I feel like 9 is lasting forever. It's been there for like a minute now. Really. Oh see, 1:10am. told you. Ahem Anyway. Back to my blooooog. Funny word. Blog.

So I'm thinking.... and on that note, I think I may go play video games. Yeah, incomplete blog. Maybe I'll do better when I'm not so stressed.

Good riddance,
-Rai xo

Untitled

Sometimes, she would love nothing more than to throw her guitar in the back of a car, head out on the highway hitting 95 in a 65 and never looking back on anything; leaving everything she has ever known and everyone behind to start over new.

Hi, Welcome To Limbo.

(New Poem) "I Wonder" -- LovelyMissRai@Postpoems.com

Erm. Do not ask me what I was even thinking when I wrote this. I have no idea. It was a absent minded type of thing. I just kind of started writing and that's what I came up with. Sad but true.

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So here I am. Another day almost came and on, another day remaining the same as all the others. I start to wonder where my life is and where my life is going. I have absolutely no plans at the moment, which I guess in some cases could be a good thing being so that I am open for anything to happen. I still can't help but to wonder what I am doing with myself. I have no real dreams anymore or goals. I barely enjoy a day, even alone. Most of the time, I am contemplating too much to even know the difference between the dream world and reality. I actually feel as if my mind uprooted itself and moved to Limbo. (www.merriam-webster.com; Limbo - a : a place or state of restraint or confinement b : a place or state of neglect or oblivion c : an intermediate or transitional place or state d : a state of uncertainty). I guess with everything going on with the family, friends, etc etc etc I just have no where left to turn. It seems that when I have an issue and get ready to ask someone if they have time to try and give me advice or just let me ramble for a while, they have already started with something in their life or they just simply won't listen.

I definitely need a sudden and dramatic change in my life to flip it completely upside down and let me to live differently. I know as soon as that happens I can never go back to the way things were simply because none of the experiences I have had can be redone--even if I come back to the same place I was and with the same people I was with. Life, to me, seems to be more of a cycle and a bit repetitive. I feel like I am missing out on life. Lately I have been thinking, "What if..." But there is no such thing as what if or what might have been. There's not. Never will be. What happens, happens. And even if you get back in that moment for the future reference, you can't redo the experiences shared or the moments you've had... or the pain caused when they left and in reality, you'll always feel a hollow space inside that you can't completely fill again. You may be able to bring the love back, but you can never undo the pain. Too many times I have gotten scared, too many times I have ran from something, too many times I have stayed somewhere because there was some sort of comfort in the pain and abuse in the situation. I cannot go back and change what has happened or make right the choices I made wrong, I can only pick up and keep going. "You leave home, you move on, you do the best you can. I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am. I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here, it's like I'm someone else. I thought that maybe I could find myself. If I could walk around, I swear I'll leave and won't take nothing but a memory from the house that built me." -- Miranda Lambert. It is hard for me to keep living restlessly, knowing my place is out somewhere else just waiting to be found. I know I find out that I end up back at home, but that is something I feel I need to discover on my own. I need to be out and exploring, not stuck here.

But with my mind in Limbo at least it doesn't seem as bad as it is.

The Secret

Text for those of you who cannot read my writing or may have images turned off:

The irony of it all is that sometimes we are completely oblivious. Our lives trying to blend and trying to survive only to figure out, we all hurt each other in some way, at some point. We all hide things and try to pretend it is all okay. At the end of the day, we have to live with what we have done adn what we have failed to do. With all honesty, the only secret to life is that everything is a secret. As much as we try to hide it, it always finds a way, a way to make itself known. There is a small sacrifice you make each time you hide something. There is also a risk, a risk to hurt one you care for, or someone whom cares for you. Think about this when you go to hide something from someone. Ask yourself is it worth willing to make someone cry. Look at who you are doing this to and picture them crying and screaming, "How could you lie to me?"

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