Erm. Do not ask me what I was even thinking when I wrote this. I have no idea. It was a absent minded type of thing. I just kind of started writing and that's what I came up with. Sad but true.
So here I am. Another day almost came and on, another day remaining the same as all the others. I start to wonder where my life is and where my life is going. I have absolutely no plans at the moment, which I guess in some cases could be a good thing being so that I am open for anything to happen. I still can't help but to wonder what I am doing with myself. I have no real dreams anymore or goals. I barely enjoy a day, even alone. Most of the time, I am contemplating too much to even know the difference between the dream world and reality. I actually feel as if my mind uprooted itself and moved to Limbo. (www.merriam-webster.com; Limbo - a : a place or state of restraint or confinement b : a place or state of neglect or oblivion
I definitely need a sudden and dramatic change in my life to flip it completely upside down and let me to live differently. I know as soon as that happens I can never go back to the way things were simply because none of the experiences I have had can be redone--even if I come back to the same place I was and with the same people I was with. Life, to me, seems to be more of a cycle and a bit repetitive. I feel like I am missing out on life. Lately I have been thinking, "What if..." But there is no such thing as what if or what might have been. There's not. Never will be. What happens, happens. And even if you get back in that moment for the future reference, you can't redo the experiences shared or the moments you've had... or the pain caused when they left and in reality, you'll always feel a hollow space inside that you can't completely fill again. You may be able to bring the love back, but you can never undo the pain. Too many times I have gotten scared, too many times I have ran from something, too many times I have stayed somewhere because there was some sort of comfort in the pain and abuse in the situation. I cannot go back and change what has happened or make right the choices I made wrong, I can only pick up and keep going. "You leave home, you move on, you do the best you can. I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am. I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here, it's like I'm someone else. I thought that maybe I could find myself. If I could walk around, I swear I'll leave and won't take nothing but a memory from the house that built me." -- Miranda Lambert. It is hard for me to keep living restlessly, knowing my place is out somewhere else just waiting to be found. I know I find out that I end up back at home, but that is something I feel I need to discover on my own. I need to be out and exploring, not stuck here.
But with my mind in Limbo at least it doesn't seem as bad as it is.
I definitely need a sudden and dramatic change in my life to flip it completely upside down and let me to live differently. I know as soon as that happens I can never go back to the way things were simply because none of the experiences I have had can be redone--even if I come back to the same place I was and with the same people I was with. Life, to me, seems to be more of a cycle and a bit repetitive. I feel like I am missing out on life. Lately I have been thinking, "What if..." But there is no such thing as what if or what might have been. There's not. Never will be. What happens, happens. And even if you get back in that moment for the future reference, you can't redo the experiences shared or the moments you've had... or the pain caused when they left and in reality, you'll always feel a hollow space inside that you can't completely fill again. You may be able to bring the love back, but you can never undo the pain. Too many times I have gotten scared, too many times I have ran from something, too many times I have stayed somewhere because there was some sort of comfort in the pain and abuse in the situation. I cannot go back and change what has happened or make right the choices I made wrong, I can only pick up and keep going. "You leave home, you move on, you do the best you can. I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am. I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here, it's like I'm someone else. I thought that maybe I could find myself. If I could walk around, I swear I'll leave and won't take nothing but a memory from the house that built me." -- Miranda Lambert. It is hard for me to keep living restlessly, knowing my place is out somewhere else just waiting to be found. I know I find out that I end up back at home, but that is something I feel I need to discover on my own. I need to be out and exploring, not stuck here.
But with my mind in Limbo at least it doesn't seem as bad as it is.
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