The Songs Define Me...

 ‎"Maybe you were right. Maybe I could have changed. Sitting here alone tonight thinking about a lot of things. What's a man to say when all the questions start. Hell, I know deep down inside of my broken heart. I could have tried just a little bit harder, kissed you just a little bit sweeter, held on just a little bit longer, dug down just a little bit deeper; let the world revolve around you and given you the stars above, loved you just enough to make you stay... And I'd have lost you anyway." -- Toby Keith, Lost You Anyway

The song that defines my mood right now.

I know things are gone no matter how much I fight myself to tell myself it may come back. Tears fill my eyes, worry fills my head, sorrow fills my soul, and brokenness fills my heart.

How long must I keep pretending that I am okay?
How long until this heals?

Okay, so I lied.
I lied and said I was fine.
I lied and said I was okay.
I lied and said I understood.
Pretty lies.
They hurt; they hurt myself after I tell them.
I have to keep going with this fake smile while tears are overfilling me. Just because tears are not streaking down my cheeks does not mean I am not crying.

Could I have stopped this?
Could I have loved him more?
Could I have done something to make things better?
I know he would have left no matter what I done. I know that for a fact, simply because that is just what happens. I hate the situation. I hate it. I do. Things should have been better this time. They should have. I wanted them to be better. I wanted things to work. Sigh. I feel as if I am only happy because I still have this strange belief that he will come back.

"You always find a way to keep me right here waiting; always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting. If you chose to walk away, I'd still be right here waiting searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting. I've made a commitment. I'm willing to bleed for you. I needed fulfillment. I found what I needed in you." -- Staind, Right Here Waiting.

I try to avoid the pain.

I listen to my favorite songs.
I laugh when I feel like crying.
I find the morbid humor in feeling like a part of me died.
I still cannot help but to wonder.
I wonder if I was the one who made a mistake. I wonder if anything I could have done would have changed the outcome. I wonder many many things right now, my mind is actually swirling around just trying to figure out what exactly happened. I cannot just walk away and pretend everything is damn skippy.
The songs just make it worse.
They make me actually feel the hurt I have.

I hate it.

"He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar. The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart. He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do. He's the time taken up, but there's never enough and he's all that I need to fall into." -- Taylor Swift, Teardrops On My Guitar

So now I am left.

I have a blank page before me.

I have the pen in hand.

The page remains blank.

I have no idea where to start,
So how am I to know where I will end?

"I've sure enjoyed the rain but I'm looking forward to the sun. You have to feel the pain when you lose the love you gave someone. I thought that by now the time would take away these lonely tears. I hope you're doing fine all alone. Where do I go from here?" -- Dixie Chicks, Without You

Sometimes I feel like I hurt too much.

You know, like seriously just hurt way too much.
It kills me slowly.
I mean, it helps when you know the hurt is coming.
But you still don't want it to happen.
I mean. It would be better if we could just numb ourselves to everything, wait, and let the hurt go away. 

Right?

"Times like these, I wish I were the Tin Man. You could hurt me all you wanted and I'd never even know. I'd give anything just to be the Tin Man; then I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't need a soul." -- Kenny Chesney, The Tin Man

I feel as if I almost had something.

Almost felt that special thing I needed.

Almost had a promise for the future.
Almost was sure of something.

Almost had someone who'd take care of me.

Almost found a guy who would stick around no matter what.

Almost got that warm feeling wrapped completely around my heart.
But... I was wrong.

"I almost made you love me, almost you cry, almost made you happy baby. Didn't I, didn't I? You almost had me thinking you turned around. But everybody knows almost doesn't count. Almost heard you saying you were finally free, what was always missing for you, baby you found it in me. But you can't get to Heaven half off the ground. Everybody knows almost doesn't count." -- Mark Wills, Almost Doesn't Count

I know I have got to keep going.

I can't let this get me down.

Even if he doesn't come back.

I can't give up.

It hurts, but I shall move on eventually.

I keep saying I'll never fall for another guy.
But chances are I will.

And then I'll believe again, for a while.

Then he'll leave me.
But eventually, some guy will love me so much, he'll get stuck with me.
He'll look past my flaws, past everything, and he'll heal me.
That's the one thing that will keep me going.
If he does come back, it would be wonderful if he'd be that guy.
Chances are that won't happen.
But I can still believe it for a while, right?

"You can't give up on love. That's the one thing we've got to keep going. It don't come easy and it's so hard to hold but you can't give up on love." -- Alan Jackson, You Can't Give Up On Love

I know that when I am sitting here in tears, there is a guy that wishes he could wipe them from my eyes.
I don't have to put up with this.
I'm not sure why I do. But I do.
Sigh.
Just another girl asking a guy to love her.

"You don't have to stay with someone that makes you cry. You'll end up killing all the love you have inside. Can't hope to see the sun if you don't open your eyes. Girl, don't let real love pass you by." -- Boyz II Men

There you have it.

There is how I have been feeling recently.
So if I say I'm okay, maybe you should second guess it.
At least for a while.
But I will be okay within time.

"And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd because these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to." -- Anna Nalick, Breathe (2 am)