Warning: Blog is very scatter brained and may be confusing.
"I want to be a good man, a do like I should man, I want to be the kind of man the mirror likes to see. I want to be a strong man, an admit that I was wrong man. God, I'm asking you to come change me into the man I want to be. And if there's anyway for her and me to make another start. Could you see what you could do to put some love back in her heart." -- Chris Young
"I want to be a good man, a do like I should man, I want to be the kind of man the mirror likes to see. I want to be a strong man, an admit that I was wrong man. God, I'm asking you to come change me into the man I want to be. And if there's anyway for her and me to make another start. Could you see what you could do to put some love back in her heart." -- Chris Young
I have been asking myself for a long time now if everything I do good enough, if I give enough love, or if there is something else I should be doing to make things better. I guess I kind of got my answer and realized that literally nothing I do is right. I cannot love correctly. That is supposed to be the easiest thing in the world to do. There's always that one thing you want that you can't have or that isn't given to you in full like it should be. Opening yourself and slashing open old wounds just to find that someone pours salt in them when given chance. It's hard to understand how someone can just walk away, without looking back while you're left dying inside. The clouds only hang over your head and as much as you seem to try, no way possible for you to die. Fighting your own battle to keep things held together while personally beating yourself lifeless with the questions of "what if...."
I keep trying to position myself to make sure I am doing everything right, even adapting to new things. I started to give my all and had it thrown back at me... apparently my everything isn't enough or is too much or something. I am starting to confuse myself, actually. I've worn this mask for so long that it's actually became more of a style than a window. My face hardly ever has any expression and most of the time I cannot speak out loud. My soul has been lost for some time now and honestly, I don't look for it to be back any time soon. Talking to friends I find this is normal. Normal? Really? Normal to feel as if you don't have a soul? Wow. I'd hate to see what abnormal means. LIMBO! My soul is lost in Limbo. Incase you have no idea what the place Limbo is, google that shit.
Anyway, so here I am at 1am trying to get my thoughts out on page but they're so jammed and crowded I am now thinking about time machines (or lack there of) and going back in time. Inspired by a facebook status and comments from friends. "Yeah there is a lack of flux capacitors" says one friend. I say, "Maybe they lost it in the time machine? or invented it and then went back in time and it disappeared? he could be repeating stuff and never really know it, yanno?" and yeah, I'm sober. And something about a mango. I'm not sure how the mango plays in and I'm almost sure that was from another conversation.
So here I am. 1am. Tryin..... Oh, I've said this already. Hm. Yeah, so I love this guy and he loves me but life is complicated. And I miss the days when "I love you" "I love you too" meant we're supposed to be together. not apart. I love you does not mean "I leave you." I think people are confusing some letters or something. I love you, I want to be with you, end of story. Lets not worry about everything else, shall we? Alright then. If only life were that easy right?
My friends have helped me through tonight. Thanks guys, I love you and owe you bunches. I'll dance at your weddings! But my brain is fried like chicken, and it's burning. Okay not really, but I do have a headache. maybe I think too much? Could be, right? Yeah. That's it.
1:07am.... 107.... One.Zero.Seven. I should be in bed but I feel like my brain will implode... or explode... depending on which way it bursts. 1:08. Hm. that thought in one minute. WTF. Is my brain on slo-mo? Really. I'm concerned now. Oh 1:09.... 1-Zero-9. Nine Nine Nine. Nine. nine. ahem. Nine. Yeah. I'm still thinking... Wee Woo... Hm. I feel like 9 is lasting forever. It's been there for like a minute now. Really. Oh see, 1:10am. told you. Ahem Anyway. Back to my blooooog. Funny word. Blog.
So I'm thinking.... and on that note, I think I may go play video games. Yeah, incomplete blog. Maybe I'll do better when I'm not so stressed.
Good riddance,
-Rai xo
I keep trying to position myself to make sure I am doing everything right, even adapting to new things. I started to give my all and had it thrown back at me... apparently my everything isn't enough or is too much or something. I am starting to confuse myself, actually. I've worn this mask for so long that it's actually became more of a style than a window. My face hardly ever has any expression and most of the time I cannot speak out loud. My soul has been lost for some time now and honestly, I don't look for it to be back any time soon. Talking to friends I find this is normal. Normal? Really? Normal to feel as if you don't have a soul? Wow. I'd hate to see what abnormal means. LIMBO! My soul is lost in Limbo. Incase you have no idea what the place Limbo is, google that shit.
Anyway, so here I am at 1am trying to get my thoughts out on page but they're so jammed and crowded I am now thinking about time machines (or lack there of) and going back in time. Inspired by a facebook status and comments from friends. "Yeah there is a lack of flux capacitors" says one friend. I say, "Maybe they lost it in the time machine? or invented it and then went back in time and it disappeared? he could be repeating stuff and never really know it, yanno?" and yeah, I'm sober. And something about a mango. I'm not sure how the mango plays in and I'm almost sure that was from another conversation.
So here I am. 1am. Tryin..... Oh, I've said this already. Hm. Yeah, so I love this guy and he loves me but life is complicated. And I miss the days when "I love you" "I love you too" meant we're supposed to be together. not apart. I love you does not mean "I leave you." I think people are confusing some letters or something. I love you, I want to be with you, end of story. Lets not worry about everything else, shall we? Alright then. If only life were that easy right?
My friends have helped me through tonight. Thanks guys, I love you and owe you bunches. I'll dance at your weddings! But my brain is fried like chicken, and it's burning. Okay not really, but I do have a headache. maybe I think too much? Could be, right? Yeah. That's it.
1:07am.... 107.... One.Zero.Seven. I should be in bed but I feel like my brain will implode... or explode... depending on which way it bursts. 1:08. Hm. that thought in one minute. WTF. Is my brain on slo-mo? Really. I'm concerned now. Oh 1:09.... 1-Zero-9. Nine Nine Nine. Nine. nine. ahem. Nine. Yeah. I'm still thinking... Wee Woo... Hm. I feel like 9 is lasting forever. It's been there for like a minute now. Really. Oh see, 1:10am. told you. Ahem Anyway. Back to my blooooog. Funny word. Blog.
So I'm thinking.... and on that note, I think I may go play video games. Yeah, incomplete blog. Maybe I'll do better when I'm not so stressed.
Good riddance,
-Rai xo
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