"Well I never saw it coming, should have started running a long long time ago. I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you more than you know. Slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over. I'm finally getting better and I'm picking up the pieces. I'm spending all these years putting my heart back together." (Daughtery, Over you)
So I know my actions yesterday are something I will have to deal with, eventually. For now, I will just enjoy the moment that I actually had fun while out with friends. I know things will come back to hit me in the face, but honestly it made me forget about everything--even if only for a few moments in time. I never knew what my friends meant when they said I always found comfort in someone else's arms right after a breakup. Now I am realizing that I actually do that. Being beside the lake, sitting with one of my best friends, her husband, and a tall drink of water rocking body type of guy that any girl would be happy to get... it was just amazing. Picture a very tall, about 6'7 guy, a very dark tan, ripped up dirty jeans, the most amazing light brownish eyes--almost a bronze color--, a back that you could just sink your nails into, rock hard abs, a chest that you just can't help but to touch dripping with sweat, calloused hands but so gentle to the touch, very strong arms, and a neck you just can't wait to sink your teeth into. Not to mention, the first thing I did was remove his sunglasses and make him get rid of the cigarette. Later, I got kind of used to the smell and intoxication of this temptation put before me. I couldn't help but to give in. Little did I know, hours later, I would be laying on him crying and wanting nothing more than to stay in his arms just a while longer. It seemed every time I went back in time to the ex, the guy would brush my hair out of my face, kiss my cheek, and hold me even tighter. And yes, I did tell him about the breakup that had just happened so he was aware that I was horridly upset. But I think in some odd way, he understood just what I needed at the time.
With all of that being said, I found out two things about myself yesterday. 1) I am truly lonely no matter who I am with. 2) My biggest fear is being alone. It took talking to an ex-boyfriend to make me notice number two but it helped me. After crying all night, I now know where I need to start working on myself and getting the pieces back together. I guess another friend of mine was right when he said someone needs to work on themselves before trying to work on a relationship. Could be why I take every break up like it's an every day thing--besides that it practically is.
I am not completely over everything but I am working on it. Slowly. I'm going to use my new free time to study my guitar and try to give my heart to something steady instead of just trying to live without reason. "I still believe in this rock and rock, and I pray the music gonna save my soul...." (Pop Evil, 100 in a 55) I am definitely staying single for a while and putting myself together, getting a life started, and then trying to see how things will work out. I'm still not sure of what's even to come 12 hours from now but I can tell you that I'm going to make it one hell of a ride. All I can really say is that I am going to find who I am instead of avoiding it by finding a fix-er-up type of guy to help fix himself instead of me. It's only making me feel worse about myself when it ends. It makes me feel rather worthless at times and like I can do anything right. In between having moments of fucking up my life and this, I am slowly wondering why I keep doing this. But it is now a work in progress. I want to be independent 100% and not have that need for a guy around. I mean, it would be nice to have on there, but that will come way later. Until then, I am going to find something--and I think guitar is it--to fill that constant void in my life.
So there's that.
Good riddance,
-Rai
No comments:
Post a Comment