Waiting For The Bottom To Drop Out

Connor: She's always said, "What's the rush, when things are so good?" I don't know what the hell she's so afraid of - it's like she's always waiting for the bottom to drop out.
Vivi: You know why she thinks that, don't ya, honey? Because it did. It always did.
(Scene from Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, 2002)

I have tried to blog for a couple days now and I still have too many thoughts and emotions to fit into a simple blog page but I decided that blogging a little to try and sort some of them out is better than just sitting here crying because I cannot break things down in order to deal with them. I am not even really sure what is bothering me lately so let me start and I will see where it goes.

I am scared with the new relationship that I am currently trying to make. He is a wonderful guy and I could never ask for anything more than him. He treats me like a princess and lets me know he cares but with that comes the same struggle I have each time. At least this time, I do not feel as if I have to hold back from feelings and desires. He pretty much knows what is on my mind before even asking although I am a woman of few words and hardly ever talk about how I am feeling. (Yeah, all men should be happy with that kind of woman but apparently it is stressful. Yes, I am chuckling slightly.) I guess in a way, I always wait for a guy to walk out instead of being at the door to ask what I can do to make things better. Although he says he does not want to leave, I still have those what if thoughts--and yes, I know, what if does not exist. I start to wonder if I could ever compare to the girls in his past whom he became attached to and I start to contemplate if I am actually good enough for him. Yes, of course, I have my good values just like every human but what if my good values just are not good enough? I cannot keep him around forever just with my back massages; if it were that easy, I would never have to learn to cook (yes, another joke). I want to prove to him that I do not want to leave ever and that I want things to work but at the same time, I want to try to understand where I am in his life and where he wants me to be. I mean, honestly, I still have this guy hidden under a rock cliff and no one even knows for sure if he is the guy I am dating. Some may think I have just fell off the wagon and got into a drunken relationship that I cannot get out of. Beyond this, I just feel as if I am doing something wrong by hiding him and it bothers me that I kind of have to. I know the situation is unclear to most but I know of the chaos that will occur later when everyone finds out. From the "You are dating him? Are you insane!?" to the "Rai, he is just not right for you" and to all the other drama infested lines people use just to piss me off. So in a way, I guess I am bothered that I continue to hide him... more so than I thought. Hm. I know nothing lasts forever, nothing is permanent, and the bottom will ALWAYS drop out but I would actually like to stop worrying about all of that and just let things happen. I mean, I told him to do that and he seemed pretty content but of course he is a lot stronger in that ability than I am. Sigh. I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation somehow. But at least he has been more than understanding about everything! That is always a good sign. And he did not get upset when I broke down crying to him or got sick and started whining. So I have to admit, he is the best guy ever.

Aside from the man-drama, I am getting restless being at home almost 24/7. Yes, of course, I just took two three small trips (Zoo, camping, and a road trip) but it was with family, so is that really getting away? I am not complaining about the company because I love my sister to death and her husband calls me his only friend but still, I want out and away just for a while. I know it is impossible but that does not keep me from wanting it. I am actually starting to wonder if I will ever be able to leave this place. Every time I get ready to move out, something happens I do not get to. My only dream is that a guy will get an apartment, come here, take me away, then come back to visit and win my family over... but I know, that's only in a fairy tale and they do not exist. Sigh. But I can dream! Until I can find a way to be out on my own, that is the dream I will keep having. Maybe some day, God will finally let it happen. I think my being at home all the time is more of my issue than anything else. And not being able to go out and do things, lack of car, is getting to more more than anything; of course, my friends are not helping by saying we could hang out and then never do simply because I cannot drive to meet them anywhere and no one wants to drive this "far" to come get me. So I am just kind of screwed no matter what I do. Once again, the bottom drops out.

But this is life. And now it is time for my shower and date with the cleaning supplies. SSDD... same shit, different day.

Faded

So, I was laying in bed last night thinking about everything going on in my life and an ex-boyfriend popped into my head. No matter how much I tried to shake the thoughts, he kept haunting me and I realized that maybe I haven't fully let go of what I had but it scares me to completely and entirely give up on someone, even if they have been gone for over a month or two. And by gone, I simply mean just left the state never to see or hear from him again. I cannot pretend like I am okay with the fact of what he did but I am okay as long as he did it for the better of himself and I truly mean that. I have no intentions of ever talking to him again, he is just a mere "friend" on facebook but other than that, I have no reason to even acknowledge his existence. I know that may seem bitch-worthy of me, but it is what it is. So anyway, to deal with my thoughts, I wrote this poem and I thought my blog readers and poetry readers would enjoy.

"Faded"

The thoughts of you beside me in bed have now faded
Replaced with an emptiness I would have often traded
So much love turned to lust, quickly eating us alive
Our hearts grew heavy, falling fast, almost love deprived.

Where you are now haunts my mind, making it hard to sleep
Remembering the promises you made, but failed to keep
Seeing you in the back of my mind causes a new fear
And hearing the song of ours seems to bring a tear.

I cannot regret or go back and undo
Even if I could, I wouldn't want to.
Here I am laying, with you still lingering here
But I wake up to see that you are far from near.

Going on without you, the days start to grow cold and long
I can't keep from wishing I could hear you sing our song
But its time for me to go and leave these thoughts at rest
Smile and turn away, looking back only to wish you the best.

http://postpoems.com/cgi-bin/displaypoem.cgi?pid=745307

Fail. Epic fail. Again. Sigh.

So within the last couple months and the last couple blogs, things have been changing rapidly, and some has been beyond my knowledge. I have found out a lot about myself and honestly, I like this person so much better than the other. No one is making me pretend to be something I am not and no one is trying to make me do things I do not want to do. What I do is what I want to do and that is that. The world is pretty much right, right? Wrong.

With everything weighing on my mind, especially dad's upcoming surgery, I am at a loss with what I am doing with myself and what I need to do. I am torn between wanting to be here but wanting to be somewhere else and it is rather stressful. I know I need to take care of matters here before I even think about leaving. Why? Because that is just how I am. I maybe a hellion but I still take care of my family first. I am just really hoping things go well and he heals and everything. It is a scary thing for us to be going through, even though we do not talk much about it.

Other than all of this, I am basically having an "Oh shit..." moment. There I was, healing slowly, taking my time to make sure I healed right, I was doing just fine. Honestly, I was doing better than fine. So maybe I should go ahead and admit that I had a little help from an amazing guy. Friends are actually asking me if I am going to keep this one. I simply laugh and swear I am not going down the dating route again--at least for a long time. I thought things were going great how they were, I did not think much about it, just let it happen as it happened. Keep in mind the "I thought..." you may need that tid-bit later. Lots of laughter, smiles, no regrets. I started to find myself thanking whatever force of nature that brought him to me. I felt like he was the right thing for me... until he actually brought it to my attention that we are practically dating. Then I had a slight panic. Sigh. So needless to say, I completely failed and probably ruined that chance. That is my luck right? Right. Sigh. Fail. Epic fucking fail. Sigh. But you know what? I am definitely not giving up. I just maybe need to think before I speak from now on... Which is actually hard for me to do these days. Sigh. Crap. *hangs head and walks away* But honestly, I am just hoping I did not screw up too bad with this one. I kind of want to keep him around.

So as I am feeling a bit of regret about things from yesterday, I am going to use that as motivation to actually get some cleaning done. And maybe even some guitar.

Good riddance,
-Rai

New Poems.

I have been sitting on this poem for a while now with it stashed in my yahoo notes folder on my email, finally able to post it. I am just going to post a link for it since I am way too lazy to redo everything to get it on the blog. Actually scratch that, I have two poems so therefore there will be two links. I hope you enjoy.

I Curse Your Name

http://www.postpoems.com/cgi-bin/displaypoem.cgi?pid=745095
(I think I originally named this something else, but I realized this name suits it better)

Untitled
http://www.postpoems.com/cgi-bin/displaypoem.cgi?pid=745093

(I honestly couldn't think of a name for this one. Read the description thing under it and you could see why.)

The Lovely Camping Adventure for Rai

I actually came back from camping a few days ago, Sunday to be exact, but I have not really had time to sit down and post about how the adventure went. So here is how it went down...

The Lovely Camping Adventure for Rai

There I was sitting at my computer talking to my dearest friend from his phone to my Yahoo Instant Messenger and I heard the jeep pull up which was my get away from this life and going into, what I thought at the time, to be the woods to stay in a tent for my first time. So I get my bike finally loaded on top of the jeep with a few loading straps, get my bag into the backseat, check to make sure I got everything, grab the fishing gear, and I got inside the Jeep after telling my parents good-bye and telling them when I would be home.

A few minutes into the trip, they (my sister and her husband) start talking about the camping trip in which she turns to me and tells me that plans have changed and instead they had rented a cabin just for my liking, instead of the tent since I was afraid of a bear. All joking aside, I really did have fears of bears coming into the tent area. So after all was said and done, we stopped back at my brother-in-law's parents house to give them key to the house incase they needed them. Roy decides that we should take his truck instead of the jeep because it would be easier to unload and reload the bikes as needed. Here we were transferring everything over and it started storming. I looked up, "Oh wonderful..." So we loaded back up after his mother gave us some muskmelon to munch on during our weekend. We locked up, got everything in order, and started on our way. Oh, crap, my sister forgot her money. So we turn around, go back, she gets her money and then we start again. After about an hour and a half of driving and my staring out the window like a Jack Russell just enjoying the scenery, we arrive at Cabin 1. We stayed around the cabin the evening roasting marshmallows and wieners then turned in rather early compared to my normal sitting up until 3am.

The next morning, I awoke first and showered so I could wake up a tad. Soon after my sister was up and fixing cinnamon rolls and they were planning the day, seeing of how they go to the cabins every year and I have never been there. We went to check in, finally, and I grabbed a book from the library--which was a smart thing to do and I will tell you why later. We got back to the cabin, looked outside and there was the rain. We decided to try the bike riding anyway as we got out of the cabin's drive way, it starts pouring the rain. Of course, here we all three are, drenched rats riding on bicycles. After the rain stopped, we parked our bikes under a small shed and went hiking through the trails. After hiking, we went back to the cabin. The fun begins. Roy and my sister were trying to figure out how to roast a chicken on the fire pit, honestly I knew it was not going to work but the funny stuff happens when you just sit back and laugh. After trying five or six different things and then it starting to pour the rain, my sister finally just sticks the chicken in the cabin's oven. Five ours later, we finally have chicken! During this time, while the chicken was baking, we were playing badminton. Needless to say, I got horridly muddy and I am glad we were not keeping score because I would have lost; not to mention, the birdie kept getting stuck in the worn out rackets.

Later, the creek starts rising and we all go out to look. Obviously the dumbfucks (excuse my language) in the cabin beside of ours have never been around a flood before. They were actually trying to walk through it and not to mention climbing trees that broke over to get across and get to someone on the other side. After laughing hysterically at them, it became a little boring. So, we all went back in and played cards. After it started getting dark, my brother-in-law finally go the fire going again and we sit out in the rain watching the fire and looking up at the stars. After having a horrible moment of dropping things in the mud, my sister and I realized we needed to just go inside and give up. Back inside the cabin, it started raining horridly again, it was storming and the power almost went out (thankfully we were camping or I would have thrown a fit). I finally curl up on the small sofa thing with my book. The library did not have much to choose from but fortunately, I found a Dean Koontz novel that I had not read yet, so I was in Heaven. I got through half of the book and pass out on the 2.5 feet softa instead of the air mattress.

I wake up the next morning, read some of the novel, grab a water, go outside and look around. I realize, "Oh my. We're flooded." But luckily the water started going down as we were packing everything back up so we did not get stranded like I had thought we would have. We started home, actually got everything, stopped to tell his mother we were back home, then my sister brought me home. I was sad to be back, actually.

So over all, the camping was not so bad. Just the whole thinking we were going to get stuck was kind of a bad experience. I plan on going again sometime. It was nice just to get away.

Our lovely cabin, which saved me from bears, foxes, and wild boar. (Or at least, I think that was my exact wording when I was trying to get out of the camping trip in the first place.) The only thing I feared was the cackling laughter of the neighbors in the next cabin over.

The rain was horrid and almost had us flooded in. This is actually the drop off area in which we had previously played badminton.

Hm. So here I am... Contemplating...

I am going camping. (Not canoeing like I almost typed.) I have had no sleep at all really in the last twenty-four hours but in two hours, approximately, I am going to be loading up my gear, waiting for the fellow campers, then hitting the road to drive to the camp site. I won't know how the trip goes until after I get back--which I will blog about. I won't know how anything is going to play out because number one, I have never been there before; but most importantly, number two, I have never been camping before. But here I go. Should be fun. I am single, free, and I am going to do this to try something new in my life.

As I'm getting ready to leave for weekend, I already did most of the things I normally do so my duties are fulfilled and I won't have to worry much; it helps that I have a father willing to take over with my animals until I return home. My hair is now messed up, I am slurring and slightly groggy from lack of sleep, my makeup is smudged and smeared from when I went out earlier and I look in the mirror only to realize, I want a guy to accept me when things like this happen. I want a guy who will allow me to have lazy days and lay on him while he rubs my back and takes care of me and I will repay him later with the same thing. I want him to accept me being outdoors for a few days, without makeup, without a shower, without a nice outfit, and more importantly I want a guy who would do this kind of thing with me. It takes a lot for someone to be there through the pretty times but what about roughing it with only each other just for two days? Most guys couldn't do that and wouldn't.

So lately, I have been thinking about everything. What I want from life, what I need from life, what I want right now, and what is best for me later. I am slowly trying to better myself and make me someone I would want to be with. I want to be with someone whom I can talk to and will talk to me, not only about just feelings but about what is going on in life. I want a guy to let me know what's going on in his life and the details of his day, even if he didn't have much going on and the only interesting thing is what he had for lunch. I really want a relationship like that but I am waiting until it comes to me, not breaking my back trying to find it. Obviously me trying so hard isn't really working for me much. But that's okay. I am learning to be okay with myself. I an do this.

So I am leaving this blog with an open ending, I realize but hopefully something strange will hit me when my feet is in the water and I'm looking out at the scene. An epiphany is all I am hoping for at this moment.

Good riddance.

New leaf, new page, no Colorado

Here I am, yet again, turning over a new page in my life. The chapter has been written and it is over and done. I cannot go back and redo the things I have done, undo the things I have done, or even bring people back into my life that have clearly left for pretty much ever. Although I am sad, there is no use in tears. I am trying to move forward and create the life I want to have. I know most do not understand this and I know most will never understand why a Rai does exactly what she does; sometimes, I could not even tell you why. So the plans have changed, yet again. In words of Jamie O'Neal, "There is no Arizona, no Painted Desert, no Sedona. If there was a Grand Canyon, she could fill it up with the lies he's told her but they don't exist and those dreams he sold her. She'll wake up and find, there is no Arizona." Well, in my case Colorado but you get the whole picture. That seems to be the song that best sums up my life right about now.

My friends have been majorly great to me lately while I have been on this ranting rage against life, miserably sitting and crying at everything and even though I have them I feel this hollowness inside me. I know that will heal and I know I will be able to still get out on my own but this time, I will be able to do what I want to get my life in working order. Right now, the plans are shaky but with the help and support of my close friends, I should be out in no time. Waiting has never really been an issue with me, I mean I am 20 and I have no job, no car, nothing really besides a guitar. I just want to make the changes I feel are necessary to get my life the way I want it to be. I do feel it is time for me to be selfish and get what I want. However, every time I try to rush a process, I end up failing and never getting anywhere. I just really hope my friends are going to be understanding, hopeful, helpful, and very supportive no matter what I decide to do with myself. Even if I am cranky from pulling double shifts at two jobs, I want them to love me no matter what. I have one amazing friend among all the others and I feel as if he is a best friend, now; which is odd for me because I do not consider any one of my friends higher than the other on the totem pole. I know he will be there for me, as he has been for a while. He has brought me more smiles than I have had for a while. He makes me feel like life will be okay. Great friend when someone can do that.

But here I am, trying to make new plans with my life and so far all I have is moving out soon and seeing where that takes me. Honestly, I have no idea where I am going or why but I hope to have a good time while doing so.

Best regards, dearest wishes, good riddance.