New leaf, new page, no Colorado

Here I am, yet again, turning over a new page in my life. The chapter has been written and it is over and done. I cannot go back and redo the things I have done, undo the things I have done, or even bring people back into my life that have clearly left for pretty much ever. Although I am sad, there is no use in tears. I am trying to move forward and create the life I want to have. I know most do not understand this and I know most will never understand why a Rai does exactly what she does; sometimes, I could not even tell you why. So the plans have changed, yet again. In words of Jamie O'Neal, "There is no Arizona, no Painted Desert, no Sedona. If there was a Grand Canyon, she could fill it up with the lies he's told her but they don't exist and those dreams he sold her. She'll wake up and find, there is no Arizona." Well, in my case Colorado but you get the whole picture. That seems to be the song that best sums up my life right about now.

My friends have been majorly great to me lately while I have been on this ranting rage against life, miserably sitting and crying at everything and even though I have them I feel this hollowness inside me. I know that will heal and I know I will be able to still get out on my own but this time, I will be able to do what I want to get my life in working order. Right now, the plans are shaky but with the help and support of my close friends, I should be out in no time. Waiting has never really been an issue with me, I mean I am 20 and I have no job, no car, nothing really besides a guitar. I just want to make the changes I feel are necessary to get my life the way I want it to be. I do feel it is time for me to be selfish and get what I want. However, every time I try to rush a process, I end up failing and never getting anywhere. I just really hope my friends are going to be understanding, hopeful, helpful, and very supportive no matter what I decide to do with myself. Even if I am cranky from pulling double shifts at two jobs, I want them to love me no matter what. I have one amazing friend among all the others and I feel as if he is a best friend, now; which is odd for me because I do not consider any one of my friends higher than the other on the totem pole. I know he will be there for me, as he has been for a while. He has brought me more smiles than I have had for a while. He makes me feel like life will be okay. Great friend when someone can do that.

But here I am, trying to make new plans with my life and so far all I have is moving out soon and seeing where that takes me. Honestly, I have no idea where I am going or why but I hope to have a good time while doing so.

Best regards, dearest wishes, good riddance.