Long days ahead

I have been blogging way too much lately. End of story. Anyway, dad's surgery is tomorrow. He really isn't certain of what is going to go on with the surgery or what will happen after. Obviously the doctors are incapable of doing their jobs to tell him what is going to go on with his surgery. So that rather upsets me, I won't lie. I'm just kind of wondering if he will even make it out. I guess that's normal with any big kind of surgery. The woman told him it would be an in-out patient surgery but I'm not sure how that will work since it's his spleen that's being "removed"--which they informed us they aren't removing, they are just cutting off the blood flow to it. Ugh. I'm not even sure if they know what's going on. It took two weeks for us to even find out what day it was. It seems to just be something like "Oh, well, we have no idea what we're doing but we're going to do it anyway!" It just upsets me that they are treating dad like this and not to mention, I don't see him recovering that fast enough to go home. Not to mention, I will be the only one taking care of him at home. I don't know if I can do this on my own. I really don't. The only person who has even offered to try to help me is Amy. (Thanks, Amy. I love you!) It just upsets me that I am doing this by my own will but yet no one else will volunteer to help. When they said he was coming home after the surgery, my jaw dropped and I was thinking "You've gotta be kidding me..." What the hell? When did the hospital become a conveyor belt for patients? "OH! Lets just rip this guy's spleen out and then send him on his way!" I think I have every right to be upset with the doctors at this moment. I have been dealing as best I can with other things going on. Meaning, not very well. Everything is getting too hard and the more I look at the situations, the more I am realizing I want out of this place ASAP. Meaning, I am probably going to end up living with a family member for a while until I can work enough to get my own place. I'm just hoping all of that will work to my advantage. I am strongly overdue for something good to happen. Two break ups this year already, one chance of a life time flushed down the drain, and everything else happening... I'm just tired of being here honestly. I want to pack, drive for miles, and not look back for a very long time. Live like a gypsy if I have to. Life time dream right there. Nothing is working anymore, nothing makes me happy anymore, nothing is keeping me here anymore besides my dad... and I feel bad that I'm thinking selfishly but sometimes you have to be selfish to make yourself happy. You can't keep relying on others to keep you laughing. I was talking to a friend of mine last night about some things and I was like "I want to travel. If I look at my guy and say 'Lets go to Europe' I want him to be like 'Hell yeah' then start booking tickets. Or if I wake him up at 3am to go for a drive, I want him to jump in and then ask where we're going. Fill up the tank, run it dry, fill it up again, head back. But I could do that alone." She said "Yeah but it wouldn't be as fun without someone to share it with." and I realized she's right. Life just isn't fun for me because i have no one to share things with. I have no one that really wants to create good times to laugh about later. I want that. Very much so. I just don't want to be stuck with the wrong one while doing so. So yeah, I'm rethinking some things I've been doing and I'm ready to make things happen just as soon as I get the chance to break free and fly solo. I need this. I know I can't go home again... but honestly, home doesn't look too good at the moment. I want out. I know I'll probably change my mind later but right now it's what I need to be happy. So lets just hope things can start looking up and I can get a plan soon to get me out and happy. I'm ready to live...