This is just to get something off my mind that's been bothering me lately. I can't exactly call this a better way to do it, but I figured writing it into a blog form would be much more simple than trying to explain to someone. Some would not exactly understand my feelings or hidden tears. Somethings are meant to be, I know. But I don't always agree that the things that are meant to be will end up together; not without a little push and test of fate.
-R
She was gazing into the mirror at the broken heart and soul staring back at her as her friends chattered happily around her. She did not know what to expect or even how to react to this creature that was finding his place slowly into her heart. Being hurt was not easy, having things to fail dramatically all the time, never really experiencing the feeling of love, and most of all, she was still aching from what she thought love had been. Her feelings and heart were guarded, locked in a steel cage. The pain often came back and made a daily routine in her life. Little did she know her life was about to change the moment she walked downstairs and saw him stepping out of his car for the first time.
His graceful movements she found not only to be intriguing but very beautiful, the chemistry seemed to be in balance and flowed from her to him. At that moment, she saw only him. It was almost as if everything she had been through in her entire life did not matter anymore. This wonderful amazing creature standing before her was meant to be her protector, her life, her everything. He was her only want and only need. She longed to feel his touch on her skin and his arms around her holding her until she could no longer breathe. There was no way to describe what she was feeling, no words at all could escape her lips and let that be known. When her hand touched him, she felt the entirety of love, of importance, of being. Not only this, but she felt for the first time in a very long time... she felt happy. It was like her soul was smiling. Then feeling his arms around her, she felt her whole life falling into play, nothing made sense about this but at the same time nothing needed to. She was in awe of the feeling that had overcome her, the feeling of want and desire; but most of all, the feeling of love and power. She knew this would be the only guy that she could give herself to fully and trust with everything. For the first time, her heart and her mind agreed that he was right for her. And there it was... love. Most people take years to create such a love that washes over them and changes their person. But with talking months before meeting, a second to see his beauty, and his arms holding her for only a few hours she fell in love with this creature. She simply worshiped him, loved him unconditionally, cherished his flaws, saw something more than everyone else, and unquestioningly she adored him in every way possible. She knew this could be a once in a life time thing. She never wanted to let it go.
In fact, no one asked if she wanted to let go. But she had to. Forces beyond her control pulled him away, moved him away to the point she wondered if she would ever see him again. A million male human species could never compare with something that great and the feeling would never be replaced. In fact, being away makes the feelings grow stronger. Months of not talking, she finally contacted him and slowly, the feelings returned and ripped at her heart, tearing it piece by piece. It isn't that it hurt her, just the love was intense and strong and she still felt it. She hoped he felt it too, even though nothing could be done about it. The situation was wrong, timing was wrong, and most of all the whole thing was some how wrong. She wished, hoped, and sometimes even prayed that he would come back to her. Lonely nights after lonely nights, she swore she felt him holding her--she knew it was her imagination but she didn't mind. Insanity seems to fall after letting go of someone you truly love and care about.
To this day, her heart grows bitter and cold. Dust is collecting on her heart. Nothing could ever stop her from loving him. Not his new girl, not the distance, nothing. It is a love she will take it to the grave, and the truth be known she may actually end up dying because of her feelings for him that continues to eat her alive.
How has she survived without him? Barely. With a lot of lust and fake love in between. Being in someone's comfort only helps for a couple minutes but it's damn well worth the time if only her heart would stop longing for him but most nights, she just lies awake wondering. Insomnia has taken over her life. When she does sleep, she does not dream, that she can remember. All she knows when she goes to sleep at night is that she wants him by her side, no matter at the cost and all she knows when she wakes up is that she wants him still laying by her side so she an kiss him softly and thank the Heavens above that he is with her. She knows this will never be, so she continues driving herself insane with the burning passion. She even whispers into the darkness of night, "I love you" hoping that wherever he is, he will hear it or at least feel it. he sad part is? He still has no idea because she has not told him. She only pretends friendship is enough and that she is happy for him.
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