It is the day after your life comes falling apart that you start to look at yourself, look at the things you want from the life you have chosen and wonder if you have made the right decisions in the past. You cannot erase things that have happened and choices you have made, but you can change what happens in the future. Being afraid of an old scars will not help you to make a better life for yourself, if anything it will make it worse for you. No matter how much you look into the mirror, searching for that piece of something to keep your mind at a decent level, you will always find a hate growing for yourself knowing you have let so many things go out of fear. I look down at my hands and no longer see the attachment I did. They look empty. Plain. Like normal hands. Namely because his hands were not in mine when I looked down at them this morning. I could not feel his touch lingering on my skin like usual. I found myself reaching out, emotionally, trying to grasp a meaning when I realized I do not want understanding of what had happened. I do not want things to change. As I type this out, I cannot even bare to look at my hands. I do not want to look at myself knowing I am not okay simply because he is not beside me. However, I did go about my day the best that I could. I will not say I did not beg with those hands, I will not say I am happy with my hands, I will not say I do not want his heart in my hands... if I did, I would be lying. This blog is not about lies, it is about getting out raw emotion eating me alive.
You may think it is selfish, but I guarantee that you have felt this same way about someone in the past. Someone you want to cling to, forever hold and cherish no matter what choice they had made. The point when you cannot be angry simply because you see their reasoning and understand, but that does not help that you want them there with you. Every heart heals in time, this I know. But scars upon top of scars is not a good way to end something. If you do not agree with the breaking decision, you need to state that. Throw your heart out there one last time before it is too late. You need to make your hands into fighting hands and fight for what you want while burning every past you have. Burn until you can clear a state and fight with everything you have inside of you to make what you want to happen. If you fight for what you want, your burning passionate desire, then you have not failed--even if they do not come back to you. You can say you did not let go, you did not give up. It may hurt, but you know you did what you could and you cannot regret when the other walks away.
So this morning, I sat down and wrote out some of my past on a sheet of paper and I burned it. Not only did I hurt my thumb while doing so, but I also realized I can burn bridges of my past without looking back. Nothing in my past can hurt me any longer. Nothing can make me feel defeated unless I let it defeat me. That is not who I am. I am a fighter. I know I can get pass this. I know I can carry on and continue fighting. I may shed tears and feel at a loss, but that does not mean the battle is over; that just means the war is still raging.
My heart burns and aches, my hands feel empty along with my soul, my mind is stuck in living in a memory but that does not mean I am any less than a human, if anything that makes me more of a human. You should not regret your past or even run from it. You should conquer it head on, grabbing it by the horns and telling it you are no longer afraid. Set it to fire, if only metaphorically, and build a new road to the life you want to have. Do not run because you are afraid, face your fear of the new life, cherish it with all that you are and give it your all. The only way to prove your past wrong is to be there in the action. Do not let your past come between you and something you feel strongly for. Not only is it not fair to the other, but it is not fair to yourself either--especially if your heart is telling you that what you're doing is wrong and you need to be with the person to let them help you fight your demons. You can make the choice to go alone, but you never have to.
With this being said, the moral of the blog in short is:
You should listen to your heart, look at your hands, look into your own eyes. Search yourself and find what you have been looking for, even if you find it is someone else. Think about the decision you are making and try to know what is best. And if you make the wrong choice, change it before it is too late. Love with all you have. Give all of your heart. Fight until the war is completely over. Do not give up what you feel to be right.
xo, -Rai
"But when I think I'll be alright, I am always wrong because my hands, don't want to start again. My hands, no, they don't want to understand. My hands, they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find. My hands, they only agree to hold your hands. And don't want to be without your hands. And they will not let me go. No, they will not let me go." -- Leona Lewis, My Hands
xo, -Rai
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