I have actually been staring at a blank page on a blog, going over my thoughts slowly deciding what exactly is on my mind. Slowly, I am coming to a new page in my life and that is putting unnecessary fears and tension upon myself. In a way, I know there will come a time when I must leave my home, friends, family, and start off on my own in a new place away from everyone--I have known this since I was young, I just did not think the chance would come so early in life. I start to question if I am ready to move away, practically on my own. I know the option to come home is always going to be there, because people can go home; they just sometimes do not want the home they return to.
I feel kind of like my life was ripped from me and every plan I had made was destroyed, in which it was. Twice. I am a bit gun shy about making plans to move west and start my life over, but whose to say it will fail? Just because things in the past did does not mean this will. Which also brings along a new fear of actually leaving, seeing of how I have never actually left my home for more than several hours and I was only a phone call away had I been needed back. So this is a new experience for me that cannot be easily undone if something were to go wrong. I cannot get back the things I am selling, giving away, or just simply leaving behind and I cannot have the same people back in my life that I have now. I cannot come back to a mother and father who will be understanding of why I left in the first place, but I must simply take a leap of faith and either sink or swim. I think the time has come for this bird to leave the nest to possibly never return again. It does not seem like something I would do personally, which makes my decision to go greater--to do something for myself that no one else will expect.
I do plan on starting my life out west, even if I do end up close to home in the end. I plan on getting a job, continuing my current relationship, going to college and starting in an unknown career (seeing of how I still have not made the choice of what to do with my life), and just making a foundation to rest my life upon. Even if I fail, I will say I did try. I know people leave home even younger than I do but I suppose we all have things that keep us around; just when the things drawing you away is stronger than the reasons for staying, it seems to be time to spread your wings and go on your way only hoping everyone understands. I know I will lose friends and family but I also know I will gain more in the end. Even if I have to walk through a dark room to get to the other side, there will be a door open to open when I close this one. I just have to find it.
A lot probably question if I have started to build my life around said relationship that I currently am in, the answer is yes and no. In some ways, I have tried to remap my life to make things easier to be with said person but in other ways I have kept the plans I have wanted for myself and I am not standing by and letting someone tell me I cannot do things for myself while trying to do something for someone else as well--especially when the plans can combine to make a better life for us both. I know I am putting a lot of trust that I do not even think I have into this plan and most of what I am doing is going on word, but I think it is something that I need to experience for myself. I know I cannot make all of the mistakes in my life for it is not long enough and I do respect everyone's opinions (though most are agreeing that I should go) but I do think I need to do this my way.
So with all of this being said, even though I am still unsure if it is the right thing to do, hopefully in only a couple months, I will then be stationed out west trying to survive. Best wishes to everyone reading in your life and hopefully my journey through my life will help you in some odd way. Maybe something I say is something you need to hear or you can relate to something I am going through and it can help you get through it as well.
I feel kind of like my life was ripped from me and every plan I had made was destroyed, in which it was. Twice. I am a bit gun shy about making plans to move west and start my life over, but whose to say it will fail? Just because things in the past did does not mean this will. Which also brings along a new fear of actually leaving, seeing of how I have never actually left my home for more than several hours and I was only a phone call away had I been needed back. So this is a new experience for me that cannot be easily undone if something were to go wrong. I cannot get back the things I am selling, giving away, or just simply leaving behind and I cannot have the same people back in my life that I have now. I cannot come back to a mother and father who will be understanding of why I left in the first place, but I must simply take a leap of faith and either sink or swim. I think the time has come for this bird to leave the nest to possibly never return again. It does not seem like something I would do personally, which makes my decision to go greater--to do something for myself that no one else will expect.
I do plan on starting my life out west, even if I do end up close to home in the end. I plan on getting a job, continuing my current relationship, going to college and starting in an unknown career (seeing of how I still have not made the choice of what to do with my life), and just making a foundation to rest my life upon. Even if I fail, I will say I did try. I know people leave home even younger than I do but I suppose we all have things that keep us around; just when the things drawing you away is stronger than the reasons for staying, it seems to be time to spread your wings and go on your way only hoping everyone understands. I know I will lose friends and family but I also know I will gain more in the end. Even if I have to walk through a dark room to get to the other side, there will be a door open to open when I close this one. I just have to find it.
A lot probably question if I have started to build my life around said relationship that I currently am in, the answer is yes and no. In some ways, I have tried to remap my life to make things easier to be with said person but in other ways I have kept the plans I have wanted for myself and I am not standing by and letting someone tell me I cannot do things for myself while trying to do something for someone else as well--especially when the plans can combine to make a better life for us both. I know I am putting a lot of trust that I do not even think I have into this plan and most of what I am doing is going on word, but I think it is something that I need to experience for myself. I know I cannot make all of the mistakes in my life for it is not long enough and I do respect everyone's opinions (though most are agreeing that I should go) but I do think I need to do this my way.
So with all of this being said, even though I am still unsure if it is the right thing to do, hopefully in only a couple months, I will then be stationed out west trying to survive. Best wishes to everyone reading in your life and hopefully my journey through my life will help you in some odd way. Maybe something I say is something you need to hear or you can relate to something I am going through and it can help you get through it as well.
"And I'll grab the wheel and I'll point it west, pack the good and leave the rest, and drive until I find the missing pieces. You said I wouldn't get too far on a tank of gas and an empty heart but I got everything I'll ever need; I got this old guitar and a brand new set of strings.
I worry about life and if it's arriving right on time. I guess if you don't jump, you'll never know if you can fly. " -- Miranda Lambert, New Strings
I worry about life and if it's arriving right on time. I guess if you don't jump, you'll never know if you can fly. " -- Miranda Lambert, New Strings
Good riddance.
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