What's on my mind? Too much.

I realize the only time I really blog about any feelings or anything is when I have so much on my mind and I have no one to turn to or I just do not want to talk to anyone about it. It just seems easier for me to type everything out and then let who ever is curious read it or not. I could care less either way.Hardly anyone ever reads it, right? Right. Anyway.

There is actually a lot on my mind right now, so lets start with one and then see where we end up, shall we?


1) Religion, Spiritual Guidance, and Filling the Void

So here I am just kind of sitting here and thinking about everything, not just life and but death as well.I guess you could say I have lost my spiritual guidance and I am searching for that light over head that says, "Have faith." I could not tell you when I lost that light but it just disappeared. Like one day I was happy with my religious stance and then it was suddenly like someone switched that light off and left me in the dark. Could be just a rut that I am in or something to that extent but I feel like right now, I am just living to die without any reason, explanation, or cause as to where I am in life or even who/what I am. I feel like something has taken over me, directing me into a different path each day. I believe there is something there but I could not place a name or tell one what it may be. Still, I try to get people to believe in something--even if that may be reaching a level of Nirvana. So here I am on this mystical journey trying to find something that I can personally believe in without any question of why it was "created" or why it "exists." Christianity just is not cutting it for me anymore. I question too much of what goes on with it. Plus the whole good book thing kind of just no longer fits to life.


2) Love, Dating, The Whole Sha-bang.
Okay. I am lost on how to start these thoughts to flow into a paragraph or two enough to make sense. I regret things I have done in my dating life. I regret not giving guys chances when I probably should have but just walking away and laughing in their face because of it. Only recently, I found out what that is like. After all was said and done with my, I guess one could say, gaming. I found an amazing person. This still pains me every day. I know I was reckless, I know I have did things that makes me undeserving of him, and I know I was also careless with someone else during this time. Long story short, my heart gets a case of ADD when I get impatient. Here I am back at square one begging this guy to let me be his everything. Just to get that chance I never felt I got before, to try to make this happen, to be there for him and love him like I know no one else ever could. I know I need to just wait things out sometimes but there are also times when a person has to take action or they will miss out. Love is a risk. I am not saying I am the best in the world for him, but I do know that I would treat him as the knight in shining armor that I see him as. I feel like my love for him just popped out of a fairy tale or something. The kind of love only a princess would long and wait for while stranded in her castle. I know this sounds the same every time I blog but it is only because the feelings for him have not changed since I fell in love with him, they only grow stronger with time. It is so easy for someone to tell me to move on, until they feel exactly how I feel right now. It has been around about eight or nine months since this guy walked out of my life and it has been the most miserable eight or nine months of my life. And trust me, I'am not the one to dwell on heartache, I move on as quickly as possible; two weeks and I am ready for someone new. Not only do I have to sit and long for this guy but also have to watch other people hurting him without even being able to kick ass over it or make a few cunts wish they had never been born. Just lightly speaking. I question if he actually knows how much I love him, since I just kind of stepped back and let him go but I also wonder if he knows I let him go simply because I do love him. I also wonder if he knows I still wait for him as patiently as possible. He has my heart and that will not change.

3) Friends, Hanging Out, and Chatting

I start to wonder if certain friends of mine even know if I am still alive. Most do not write, most do not call, or even IM when they are online. Technology is supposed to make communication easier, not prove how much of a bitch you truly are. Just throwing that out there. Does it really hurt to stop for two seconds and make sure your friend is okay? And does it hurt to actually want to hang out sometimes? Make plans to do so and actually follow through on them? Oh wait, forgot, I do not drink so I do not have any friends or anything. Sorry. I forgot for a second. Actually, I do have a couple good friends which would not be so horrible if like four out of five did not live forever away. I still enjoy them nevertheless, but I just get tired of people's bullshit when they say "Oh she is my best friend" when they never even talk to me. Ugh.

4) Family, Drama, and The Whole Nine Yards
Wow. Family really never changes. So my sister figured out, finally after six months, that I had blocked her on Facebook. Granted, I find it funny that she cannot even find my name listed anywhere on the site. I giggle to myself. Anyway. So I know she is looking for more dirt to dig up on me to run and tell dad when dad and I are finally getting along great. I would seriously love to just shove something down her throat and kick her a few times. Sorry, that is a bit harsh I agree. But hopefully by the time she finds my blog, I will have already done so. So I did not really have much to rant about with the family thing, just my sister irritates me. And I have news for her, I am not watching her kid all spring and summer break without pay. I refuse!

5) That's All Folks
I know it is pretty much the same shit every day, but dammit I am getting sick of it not changing or getting better. /End of story.