Valentine's Day? No thank you.

I am realizing how bad Valentine's day actually upsets me. In the past, I have hated it just because something bad always happened on or around the time--kind of like my birthday, honestly--but this year, tables have turned and let us just say that I see how hard it is for people who are alone and have their heart set on that one person and they cannot seem to change how they feel. I also see why most single and lonely people drink.

I feel like I am going around in circles trying to get this guy to see the truth behind the words I say. I throw myself out there all the time but when I do, I always land face first in to a pile of dirt and get no where. So I stand up, dust myself off, take a second to analyze the situation, then do it again. You would think I would learn from the first couple times of doing it that it does not help anything and only leaves me hurt with more than a few scratches and scrapes; but I keep doing it.

I am at a loss of what else I can do. I am trying, almost a little too hard, to prove myself and it seems worthless and very useless. I start to question if I am good enough. I know nothing is ever as easy as, "Ok. So I like you. You like me. Lets do this." but it should not have to be this complicated either. It gets a little harder every day and it makes me fight until I lose all strength, become weak, and honestly cannot even stand on my own two feet. Am I really not trying and fighting hard enough? I start to wonder if I am just not good enough or if I am doing something wrong or if I am just not doing something that I should be doing. I just, I just do not understand this... at all.

"I am everything you want / I am everything you need / I am everything inside of you / That you wish you could be / I say all the right things / At exactly that right time / But I mean nothing to you / And I don't know why." -- Vertical Horizon

I realize that I am being selfish by wanting what I want and wanting it when I want it, but I have been in this same position for a year and every time I get left in the cold. I feel like I am a mime, screaming silently in the the box, and no matter what I do, I cannot break it open and even if I could he could not hear me screaming. I am helpless, hopeless, and losing faith in what I know what should be. It is my choice to be alone but I want to be alone for the right reason instead of with someone for the wrong reason. I want and need this guy. I do not want to go without him.

I most definitely am not confused or angry, I just start to wonder what I have done to piss fate off and make it not believe I deserve this guy. 

*Sigh.*