I haven't blogged in a while simply because I'm just lazy but I do have a lot going on right now.
My friend has been in ICU for a week now and it's not good at all. I miss her already. I haven't been able to go see her and I know that seriously makes me look like a bad person to everyone because they're probably thinking, "Well, she claims to care so much but yet she won't come see her?" but in all honesty it's hard to do so when I can't drive and when I have a sick father at home too. I do feel terrible that I can't visit with her and her family in their time of need but I hope they will all understand. I do care. She's actually the only one I talk to at night so now I'm just like "Hey, my night just isn't the same anymore..." I guess it all happens, right?
Other than having a sick father and that, I can honestly say I finally feel like things are coming into place for me. I mean, there is still chaos but that's life, yanno? It happens, I guess. Sigh. I'm just finally starting to be happy. I finally have a reason to get out of bed in the mornings. It's a very nice change that I'm starting to get used to.
I finally got my classring back and gave my ex-boyfriend his back and I finally got some closure with another ex-boyfriend of mine. I won't say I don't miss the one I just tossed away because he was a really good friend and was always there for me or tried to be--I tend to get a little out of hand--and I'm going to miss that. But what's done is done and it had to be done. I couldn't find a way to keep living like nothing ever happened with a huge cloud of guilt hanging over my head. It doomed me. I felt like I was a horrible person for keeping him in my life. Granted, he is happy now and he's doing well so I guess it all worked out good for him anyway. Now I'm alone again but it's for the right reason. I'm not just using someone to have a place holder while waiting for my prince charming to realize "Hey, she's not going to be around forever." So at least I'm finding the things I need to try to seal up some holes in my soul and move on with my life.
"Yeah, there's a hole in my soul but one thing I've learned, for every love letter written there's another one burned. So you tell me how it's gonna be this time. Is it over? Is it over? 'Cause I'm blowing out the flame..." -- Aerosmith, Hole In My SoulAnd so now I'm just doing what I need to do in order to survive until I find out how to move on and take the next step toward a new life--whatever life that may be. I feel anxious to see what will happen but scared of the future I'm trying to make. It's sad to leave one life behind, but honestly it's just not a life for me anymore.
So here I am. I'm standing in front of a guy and the only thing I can do is ask him to love me.
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