Update. Meh.

For some odd reason my grandmother has been on my mind lately--the odd part being, she passed away about six years ago. I don't know. Just sometimes is harder than others to go through the day without knowing she's there when I need her (well, you know what I mean). I guess I know she watches out for me and all that jazz and like when I'm at my worst or trying to make the biggest life decisions, I know she's trying to give me all the advice that she can even though she isn't here. Maybe I just miss home? I don't know.

But anyway. Morgantown is okay now that we live in a decent place and all that jazz. I still don't like this roommate but the good news is, we're only going to be here until August. The bad news is, we're only going to be here until August. The boyfriend is wanting to go to Seattle and that's a little too far for me but it's one of those things I refuse to talk about because I don't want us fighting about it when it could be resolved easily. At least he's trying to help me to go home for the weekend this week. I know home won't be the same as when I left but I do know my mom and dad are wanting to see me. So I guess that's the good news on that part. I guess the bad news is, they still don't know about Jared but hopefully they'll be understanding when I tell them what's going on there, or at least try to find a way to tell them without telling them. Let them put two and two together and add up to four after I go back up here. Anyway, back to the point of the matter. I don't want to go to Seattle because, like Morgantown, I don't know anyone and I don't make friends easy. It's just not something I do but when I do make a friend, I keep them for as long as possible no matter what bullshit happens... unless they do something that just makes me so irate that I don't care if they live or die. I know a few people who are on that list that I once would have done anything for. But anyway, we'd be living with his family. So I mean, it's not like I wouldn't have anyone; but at the same time his family is not my family and not the area I'm used to. I adapt easily, I put up with bullshit easily, and I deal with things easily. So I wouldn't have too many issues. I just dont' want to do it. But then again, I didn't want to go here either when I first moved out. So maybe I am overreacting? Whatever. Just I don't want to do it.

Besides this whole trying to decide what's the best thing for us to do, I found out that my dad may not make it much longer and that just destroys me. My dad is still my life. If I could, I'd be there for him still. But I just couldn't do that life anymore. I still call them weekly, sometimes two-four times a week. They seem happy to hear from me every time. Dad's getting to be okay with my life decision but I know they're both struggling. Although, they don't seem to be. They do stuff together that they had never really done together before. So me moving out made my parents grow closer together. So that was a total win on that part but I won't lie. If something happens to dad and I can't get there for him, I'm going to be devastated. I want to be there no matter what. The boyfriend said we could keep money for "emergency only" and that being if I had to go home in a hurry and I could take the fastest flight there but still where he wants to move is literally on the other side of the country. Not just saying that. It really is. I don't know. I just fear I can't be there for dad and mom like they need me to be and that's not who I am. I AM there for my family when needed. I can't not be there. That's just not right. I don't feel right about that.

But all that being said, all the bad news laid out. I don't have much else on my mind at the moment. I just needed a moment to lay that out and hopefully figure something out now that I had a chance to get my thoughts together.