Tomorrow, I will be finishing my packing up and then I will hit the road. Possibly to not return here for a long time, if ever. Seeing of how I don't drive yet, the whole visiting thing is something that won't happen until I have a car of my own. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this yet. I don't know if I should be very sad or very excited. I feel like this thing has been rushed way too quickly and now it's like quicksand. No way out, no way to say "Stop" and the more I struggle, the harder it is to move.
My room being packed up...
It looks so much better now than it did then, but it was still harsh.
It looks so much better now than it did then, but it was still harsh.
I honestly have no idea what I'm even doing. I mean, I feel like I'm lost and just on autopilot to get this done. I still try to tell myself that the person coming to get me won't show up or will get lost and frustrated and just forget about me then go on alone. I have exactly $16 to my name and I'm leaving home on that. I'm overwhelmed. I'm stressed. I feel like the world may cave in at any given moment. I don't know what to do, really. I have the urge to tell them to stop this non-sense because I'm staying home. But there is too much riding on this. Seeing of how my father and I never get along, everyone seems to think this is the best route to go. So. That's what I'm doing.
I won't have my blog anymore or my personal computer to keep a journal on disk so I'm actually switching to pen and paper (not so happy about that.) Hopefully, I will have my boyfriend's laptop at least once a week to update everyone and let them know I'm alive until I can get my own laptop and be on whenever I feel the need. It's going to be hard going without my computer because my computer is my basic life. It gives me directions, lets me order things, keep in touch with people, ignore people when need be, get caught up on the daily lives of friends, and interact with people that live too far away. Now? I won't have that. I won't have any source of communication until I get a cellphone and my own laptop which may not be for a long time. We have to get ourselves moved in and okay before I even think about blowing money like that. Sigh. I'm just so frustrated. Everyone is sad because I won't have any way to talk to them but that's life, I guess. I just found out that one of my best friends is pregnant and now I won't even be updated on her progress with it. Oh well, I guess. I hate leaving my family and friends behind. I really truly do.
This is the second hardest thing I've ever done. First was saying good-bye to my uncle and grandmother when they passed on but that's always hard on someone. Moving? It shouldn't be that hard. I'm treated like crap here and most days, they seem to want to get rid of me. I start to question myself of why I even stayed this long; then I realized up until lately I didn't have any other option. So lets hope my friends were right in saying this is the best for me. Not to mention, I am leaving my cats behind. I am a cat person. I love my cats. I hate leaving them and not knowing if dad and mom will take care of them. I found one a new good home if she'd come get him but it's Petey and Sissy that I worry about. Dad's taken up with Tater pretty well so that may not be an issue. But I worry about my two babies that I always wanted to take with me. Sigh. And if things with the boyfriend work out, I won't even be able to have a cat again because he hates them. Cats are my second life. They make me feel better when they curl up on me and start purring or rub against my leg as I'm getting them food. They make me laugh when they're attacking objects randomly. Is it wrong to be so sad that I'm leaving something that I love? My home, my family, my animals, my friends... it's excruciating. I have cried every night this week. I don't know how much more I can cry without tipping over into borderline insanity.
A part of me just doesn't want to do this at all...
Sigh.
"We can only hope that no good-bye is forever..."
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