Warning: This blog actually takes you into the deepest rivers of my mind, my soul, and my heart. If you're not ready to wade the waters to see or even try to understand me, click the little red [x] in the corner. If you're only here to judge, at least read and analyze before you judge me.
Thanks.
-R
The song that best describes how I feel right now is "Finding Myself" by Smile Empty Soul.
"I don't care anymore if I let you down, I believe that I need to be free. I'm so used to my life with you around, I don't know anymore the real me. I thought that I found myself today. I thought that I had control. All the change in my life just fell away, for a moment I didn't need you." -- Smile Empty Soul
I feel lost, again. Only this time it's more of a soul-searching lost not just blank and cloudy. I feel like everything I have worked for has just fell and burned away and I'm still trying to pick up the ashes hoping that things will start to fall back into place; even though everything is so badly ruined you can't even tell what the ashes are supposed to be.
My heart is completely torn. I think I know exactly /who/ I want and then it just seems I have this flip and something happens that upsets me. It leaves me completely and entirely devastated beyond all reason until the point that I am forced to text the only one who I know will be able to make me feel better--no matter how much he has hurt me, he always knows what to do and what to say to make me somehow smile deep down. Not a lot of people accept me as is, not a lot of people understand me to my core or know why I do things that I do. I know it doesn't help that I don't open up enough but honestly, there's a reason why I do that too. It seems no matter what I do here lately, I'm going to end up more beaten and battered in the emotional area than I was before. Once a dog is beaten so many times it starts to just not even like people. Make sense? I think so because it's starting to happen. One minute everything is fine with people and then the next, it's like I can't do anything right. I say people but I actually mean just one person. (Not naming anyone, of course. If the shoe fits, wear it.)
"All these tears that I've cried, you must be tired of taking care of me but it is what you do best and I'm a liar because really it's what I need." -- Smile Empty Soul
I am just entirely lost at the moment. I don't know who I am, what I am, where I'm supposed to be, or even who I'm supposed to have by my side. I mean, it'd be easier if people would also open up a tad more to let me in but I guess I just have to wait and see what happens. I feel like giving up and just saying "Screw this" but walking away with a smile on my face just because I know it would piss people off. I feel bad for the things I've done but I realize I'm not going to be able to make them right without a little help, which I am not getting.
I can't talk about how I feel with anyone because I know no matter how I go about it, it's going to make me feel and seem like a bad person just because of all the thoughts rolling through my mind. I can't even calculate how many times they spin, toss, turn, and tumble. It's getting to the point that I'm confused about daily life. I mean, normally I could still focus and continue on with my life like nothing was happening while battling the war in my mind but it's actually taking it's last toll on me and making me so tired. I can't even think straight anymore. I'm losing basic functions, it's surprising I can even remember my name right now. I'm trying to fit every little puzzle piece back into it's correct place but it's just a puzzle I'm not sure I'll ever get back together. Granted, I've always been a little absent minded but this is getting ridiculous. The thoughts become horrible, filled with anger and so much pain. I try to pretend that I'm not hurting but I think it's starting to show through in ways I'm unable to stop. Friends just tell me to hang in there and that I'll be fine but they don't even know that much. They don't know that I'll ever be okay again. They just don't know. Just like I don't know that I won't be. It's a blind spot for me and I can't see past it.
I'm so angry at life in general. When I'm not crying, I'm in a complete slit throat anti-social mood. Every time someone writes or emails me, I feel like screaming "Go away." Thankfully, I've actually only said it aloud once so far; and to my defense, he was a moron that didn't get the whole "I'm pissed, leave me alone" vibe. I don't even know why I'm angry, I don't even know if I have a reason. I guess just years of being treated like shit, being put down, and all the stress and annoyance I have to deal with every day is just finally starting to break every particle of me down until I feel like I'm about to snap. And when I snap, I can almost guarantee that it won't be pretty at all. The few anger spells I've had lately is nothing compared to what damage I could do. In words of Pink, "I can be so mean when I wanna be. I am capable of really anything. I can cut you into pieces when my heart is broken." and sadly it's true. Everyone thinks I'm on this big mental break down but this isn't even the worst that it could be. I'm still able to control and hold back. When I explode, I can bet there will be a volcano. I'm just so tired of everything. And I'm tired of being afraid to talk to anyone because I know they'll get pissed if I actually tell them how I feel about them. I just want to be able to get it all out there and say it is what it is.
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