So within the last couple months and the last couple blogs, things have been changing rapidly, and some has been beyond my knowledge. I have found out a lot about myself and honestly, I like this person so much better than the other. No one is making me pretend to be something I am not and no one is trying to make me do things I do not want to do. What I do is what I want to do and that is that. The world is pretty much right, right? Wrong.
With everything weighing on my mind, especially dad's upcoming surgery, I am at a loss with what I am doing with myself and what I need to do. I am torn between wanting to be here but wanting to be somewhere else and it is rather stressful. I know I need to take care of matters here before I even think about leaving. Why? Because that is just how I am. I maybe a hellion but I still take care of my family first. I am just really hoping things go well and he heals and everything. It is a scary thing for us to be going through, even though we do not talk much about it.
Other than all of this, I am basically having an "Oh shit..." moment. There I was, healing slowly, taking my time to make sure I healed right, I was doing just fine. Honestly, I was doing better than fine. So maybe I should go ahead and admit that I had a little help from an amazing guy. Friends are actually asking me if I am going to keep this one. I simply laugh and swear I am not going down the dating route again--at least for a long time. I thought things were going great how they were, I did not think much about it, just let it happen as it happened. Keep in mind the "I thought..." you may need that tid-bit later. Lots of laughter, smiles, no regrets. I started to find myself thanking whatever force of nature that brought him to me. I felt like he was the right thing for me... until he actually brought it to my attention that we are practically dating. Then I had a slight panic. Sigh. So needless to say, I completely failed and probably ruined that chance. That is my luck right? Right. Sigh. Fail. Epic fucking fail. Sigh. But you know what? I am definitely not giving up. I just maybe need to think before I speak from now on... Which is actually hard for me to do these days. Sigh. Crap. *hangs head and walks away* But honestly, I am just hoping I did not screw up too bad with this one. I kind of want to keep him around.
So as I am feeling a bit of regret about things from yesterday, I am going to use that as motivation to actually get some cleaning done. And maybe even some guitar.
Good riddance,
-Rai
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