Deal With The Devil

I made a deal with the devil, wanting him to take me
I see how wrong that is and know my mistake clearly
Life has always been hard and I'm tired of crying
So I made my decision and found it to be dying.

Praying for whatever force to take me from these walls
No one on Earth seems to ever hear my horrid calls
Years of suffering upon years of lying about myself
Months of worrying and months of screaming for help.

Nothing came until I decided to take matters into my hands
Wondering if my friends will read this and try to understand
I'm not happy in my old skin with bruises and the scars
I'm tired of searching and feeling like I am alone on Mars.

Don't blame the one whom I gave my heart
It's not his fault the deal is made for me to part;
Part from everyone and gain my scabbed wings
And listen to the band of demons longing to sing.

"Home sweet home..." to the Devil I cry
"Please come, let me bleed, let me die."
I feel him now enter my weary soul
Squeezing life from this heart of gold.

http://postpoems.com/cgi-bin/displaypoem.cgi?pid=744341
Link to the poem--along with a collection of others.

Depression/Suicide vs Living For Yourself

I know many question their reason for living and contemplate their reason for continuing on in their lives. Most of the time, the answer comes with someone else involved. What happens when we're tired of living for others and want to die for ourselves? I have heard so many people say, "you should live for yourself" but in reality, that is beyond hard to do, especially if you are hurting inside and have no reason to even get up in the mornings. The days become long, the nights become lonely and still laying awake at night, the said person always starts to question how things would be if the heart stopped beating at that very second. Obviously someone with depression isn't going to get better. It is a prolonged condition that not even medication can fix and all they do is bring others down around them or hold everything in until they literally drive everyone away. I understand everyone hurts and I understand people take years to get over their grievance. But what happens if they do not get over it? They are miserable. This could very well be the definition of depression. Most do not understand what happens during an, let us say, outbreak of depression--of course it is not like herpes but it could be just as annoying and painful (if herpes is painful?). But let us not label or try to go into a scientific doctor mode. People having suicidal thoughts and contemplating what their life means do not need a doctor. They need a hug and someone to say, "Hey, I know what you are going through and your reason for living is to find a reason to live. When you find that reason, you will have your answer. And only you can live for that reason so make it a good reason."

I have seen people overcome such sadness, walk away from alcohol after being an alcoholic for so many years, stop weed after smoking for a very long time and making it a daily thing; therefore, I know people can walk away from things and I know they can do it for themselves and no one else. No one can change unless they want to. Of course, friends may offer support and try to help as much as possible--even if it is kicking your ass once in a while to get you back on track. I just think someone in such as the suicide position needs to think about the reason they want to die verse the reason they want to live. Let us say for a moment that said person is you. Do you want to die to prove to everyone that you are some how messed up? Do you want to die to escape the pain and abuse others have put on your heart? Do you want to get back at someone? Do you want to get rid of all your issues? Do you really believe there is no hope? Let us say all of these are a yes. Let me ask you this, is the reasons for dying more than the reasons for living? By this I mean, do you have any unaccomplished goals in life? Have you finished all that you have wanted to do? Are you sure you want to die and not create more extreme goals to accomplish? Until everything you want done is done, you should live for yourself--not die.

To me, to live for yourself means setting your own bar and to set your own bar should be low. When you achieve that, set it a little higher, and then keep setting it higher. You cannot learn to run unless you learn how to crawl. I am going to close this with this thought and hope it will help someone as it has done for me.

"Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken. Hello. I'm the lie living for you so you can hide. Don't cry." - Evanescence, Hello

Random Music Mp3 Thing...

 *I honestly had nothing to really post and I haven't posted in a while, so I decided to do this instead. Some of it made me giggle.

Put your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question. No cheating!



How am I feeling today?:
Somewhere Trouble Don't Go - Miranda Lambert
(Actually, I'd like to get into some trouble today)

Will I get far in life?
Better Than Me - Hinder

How do my friends see me?:
So Far Away - Staind
(Considering that I live in BFE, yes... I'm sure they do)

Where will I get Married?:
Never Again - Nickelback
(Apparently I will but I will kill my husband for abusing me? -blink-)

What is my best friend's theme song?:
Where I'm From - Jason Michael Carrol
(Totally true...)

What is the story of my life?
One Of The Guys - Gretchen Wilson
(Pretty much...)

What is/was highschool like?:
New Strings - Miranda Lambert

How can I get ahead in life?
Without You - Hinder
(And this has been true for all of my exes.)

What is the best thing about me?:
It Won't Be Like This For Long - Darius Rucker

How is today going to be?:
Meet Virginia - Train
(Haha. - "She doesn't care a thing about that hair...")

What is in store for this weekend?:
Funeral For Yesterday [Acoustic] - Kittie
(O.o Lord, I hope not....)

What song describes my parents?
Salt Shaker - Ying Yang Twins
(HAHAHA! Ohhhhkayyy)

To describe my grandparents?
The Truth - Jason Aldean

How is my life going?
So What - Pink
(Pretty much... Haha.)

What song will they play at my funeral?:
Tiny Dancer - Elton John
(I could totally see this happening. It was my fave song as a kid.)

How does the world see me?:
Down On The Corner - CCR
(.... Um....)

What do my friends really think of me?:
Every Other Weekend - Reba

Do people secretly lust after me?:
Sorry - Buckcherry

How can I make myself happy?:
Low - Flo Rida
(With apple bottom jeans and boots with fur? Haha.)

What should I do with my life?
Life Is Beautiful - Sixx AM

Will I ever have children?
How You Remind Me - Nickelback

What is some good advice for me?:
Never Too Late - Three Days Grace
(O.o This is actually something I could use at the moment.)

How will I be remembered?
The Difficult Kind - Sheryl Crow
(Yes. Very much so.)

What is my signature dancing song?:
She Wouldn't Be Gone - Blake Shelton
(I can't really dance to this...)

What do I think my current theme song is?
If Everyone Cared - Nickelback

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
Keep On Loving You - REO Speedwagon
(I could see this.)

What type of men/women do you like?
Cheater, Cheater - Joey and Rory
(Hahaha. Sign from Hell...)

How would you describe yourself?
Maintain The Pain - Miranda Lambert
("I put a bullet in my radio... Something just hit me funny, I dont know...")
   
How would your friends describe you?
Yee Haw - Jake Owen

Your family?   
Rocking Chairs - Dolly Parton and Ricky Van Shelton

Do you have a short temper?
Over You - Daughtery

Are you a procrastinator?
Realize - Colbie Caillat
   
How do you feel about yourself?
Addicted - Saving Abel

How do you feel about others?
Next To You - Buckcherry
   
What do you think of puppies/kittens?
Party Like A Rock Star - Shop Boyz

How would you describe your best friend?
Everytime I Hear Your Name - Keith Anderson
   
What do you like to do with your friends?
Shady Grove - The Everly Brothers
   
Where is your favorite hangout?
When Angels Deserve To Die - System of a Down

A phrase or word that would describe your group of friends:
Easy From Now On - Miranda Lambert

What do you say about your friends when they are not around?
Coming Undone - Korn

Name something you'd like to do with your friends, that you've never done:
Right Here Waiting - Staind

So what will or is your true love like?
I Can Do This - Lila McCann

What does he/she think of you?
Good Times Gone - Nickelback

What do you guys like to do?   
Meant To Live - Switch Foot

What will everybody be saying at your wedding?   
Dead Flowers - Miranda Lambert
(That's not nice, guys!)

What will your honeymoon be like?
I Wanna Fuck You - Akon
(HAHAHA! Omg!)

Describe the love you share:   
Colorful - The Verve Pipe
(This song actually reminds me of my boyfriend...)

What quote will you be remembered for?
Bourbon Borderline - Gary Allen

What does the bumper sticker on your car say?
Candy Shop - 50 Cent

What is the first thing you say in the morning?
Me And Your Cigarettes - Miranda Lambert

What is the last thing you say at night?   
A Country Boy Can Survive - Hank Jr

What are the words that you are just waiting to say to the world?
Leave The Pieces - The Wreckers

To your true love?
Need You Now - Lady Antebellum

What will your gravestone say?
Raining On Me - Gretchen Wilson

I'll Grab The Wheel And Point It West...

I have actually been staring at a blank page on a blog, going over my thoughts slowly deciding what exactly is on my mind. Slowly, I am coming to a new page in my life and that is putting unnecessary fears and tension upon myself. In a way, I know there will come a time when I must leave my home, friends, family, and start off on my own in a new place away from everyone--I have known this since I was young, I just did not think the chance would come so early in life. I start to question if I am ready to move away, practically on my own. I know the option to come home is always going to be there, because people can go home; they just sometimes do not want the home they return to.

I feel kind of like my life was ripped from me and every plan I had made was destroyed, in which it was. Twice. I am a bit gun shy about making plans to move west and start my life over, but whose to say it will fail? Just because things in the past did does not mean this will. Which also brings along a new fear of actually leaving, seeing of how I have never actually left my home for more than several hours and I was only a phone call away had I been needed back. So this is a new experience for me that cannot be easily undone if something were to go wrong. I cannot get back the things I am selling, giving away, or just simply leaving behind and I cannot have the same people back in my life that I have now. I cannot come back to a mother and father who will be understanding of why I left in the first place, but I must simply take a leap of faith and either sink or swim. I think the time has come for this bird to leave the nest to possibly never return again. It does not seem like something I would do personally, which makes my decision to go greater--to do something for myself that no one else will expect.

I do plan on starting my life out west, even if I do end up close to home in the end. I plan on getting a job, continuing my current relationship, going to college and starting in an unknown career (seeing of how I still have not made the choice of what to do with my life), and just making a foundation to rest my life upon. Even if I fail, I will say I did try. I know people leave home even younger than I do but I suppose we all have things that keep us around; just when the things drawing you away is stronger than the reasons for staying, it seems to be time to spread your wings and go on your way only hoping everyone understands. I know I will lose friends and family but I also know I will gain more in the end. Even if I have to walk through a dark room to get to the other side, there will be a door open to open when I close this one. I just have to find it.

A lot probably question if I have started to build my life around said relationship that I currently am in, the answer is yes and no. In some ways, I have tried to remap my life to make things easier to be with said person but in other ways I have kept the plans I have wanted for myself and I am not standing by and letting someone tell me I cannot do things for myself while trying to do something for someone else as well--especially when the plans can combine to make a better life for us both. I know I am putting a lot of trust that I do not even think I have into this plan and most of what I am doing is going on word, but I think it is something that I need to experience for myself. I know I cannot make all of the mistakes in my life for it is not long enough and I do respect everyone's opinions (though most are agreeing that I should go) but I do think I need to do this my way.

So with all of this being said, even though I am still unsure if it is the right thing to do, hopefully in only a couple months, I will then be stationed out west trying to survive. Best wishes to everyone reading in your life and hopefully my journey through my life will help you in some odd way. Maybe something I say is something you need to hear or you can relate to something I am going through and it can help you get through it as well.

"And I'll grab the wheel and I'll point it west, pack the good and leave the rest, and drive until I find the missing pieces. You said I wouldn't get too far on a tank of gas and an empty heart but I got everything I'll ever need; I got this old guitar and a brand new set of strings.
I worry about life and if it's arriving right on time. I guess if you don't jump, you'll never know if you can fly. " -- Miranda Lambert, New Strings

Good riddance.

My Hands...

(Inspiration came from My Hands by Leona Lewis)

It is the day after your life comes falling apart that you start to look at yourself, look at the things you want from the life you have chosen and wonder if you have made the right decisions in the past. You cannot erase things that have happened and choices you have made, but you can change what happens in the future. Being afraid of an old scars will not help you to make a better life for yourself, if anything it will make it worse for you. No matter how much you look into the mirror, searching for that piece of something to keep your mind at a decent level, you will always find a hate growing for yourself knowing you have let so many things go out of fear. I look down at my hands and no longer see the attachment I did. They look empty. Plain. Like normal hands. Namely because his hands were not in mine when I looked down at them this morning. I could not feel his touch lingering on my skin like usual. I found myself reaching out, emotionally, trying to grasp a meaning when I realized I do not want understanding of what had happened. I do not want things to change. As I type this out, I cannot even bare to look at my hands. I do not want to look at myself knowing I am not okay simply because he is not beside me. However, I did go about my day the best that I could. I will not say I did not beg with those hands, I will not say I am happy with my hands, I will not say I do not want his heart in my hands... if I did, I would be lying. This blog is not about lies, it is about getting out raw emotion eating me alive.

You may think it is selfish, but I guarantee that you have felt this same way about someone in the past. Someone you want to cling to, forever hold and cherish no matter what choice they had made. The point when you cannot be angry simply because you see their reasoning and understand, but that does not help that you want them there with you. Every heart heals in time, this I know. But scars upon top of scars is not a good way to end something. If you do not agree with the breaking decision, you need to state that. Throw your heart out there one last time before it is too late. You need to make your hands into fighting hands and fight for what you want while burning every past you have. Burn until you can clear a state and fight with everything you have inside of you to make what you want to happen. If you fight for what you want, your burning passionate desire, then you have not failed--even if they do not come back to you. You can say you did not let go, you did not give up. It may hurt, but you know you did what you could and you cannot regret when the other walks away. 

So this morning, I sat down and wrote out some of my past on a sheet of paper and I burned it. Not only did I hurt my thumb while doing so, but I also realized I can burn bridges of my past without looking back. Nothing in my past can hurt me any longer. Nothing can make me feel defeated unless I let it defeat me. That is not who I am. I am a fighter. I know I can get pass this. I know I can carry on and continue fighting. I may shed tears and feel at a loss, but that does not mean the battle is over; that just means the war is still raging.

My heart burns and aches, my hands feel empty along with my soul, my mind is stuck in living in a memory but that does not mean I am any less than a human, if anything that makes me more of a human. You should not regret your past or even run from it. You should conquer it head on, grabbing it by the horns and telling it you are no longer afraid. Set it to fire, if only metaphorically, and build a new road to the life you want to have. Do not run because you are afraid, face your fear of the new life, cherish it with all that you are and give it your all. The only way to prove your past wrong is to be there in the action. Do not let your past come between you and something you feel strongly for. Not only is it not fair to the other, but it is not fair to yourself either--especially if your heart is telling you that what you're doing is wrong and you need to be with the person to let them help you fight your demons. You can make the choice to go alone, but you never have to. 

With this being said, the moral of the blog in short is: 

You should listen to your heart, look at your hands, look into your own eyes. Search yourself and find what you have been looking for, even if you find it is someone else. Think about the decision you are making and try to know what is best. And if you make the wrong choice, change it before it is too late. Love with all you have. Give all of your heart. Fight until the war is completely over. Do not give up what you feel to be right.

"But when I think I'll be alright, I am always wrong because my hands, don't want to start again. My hands, no, they don't want to understand. My hands, they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find. My hands, they only agree to hold your hands. And don't want to be without your hands. And they will not let me go. No, they will not let me go." -- Leona Lewis, My Hands

xo, -Rai